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The Official KSR Guide to the Summer Olympics (Part Two)

Hello, friends. Do you have Olympic Fever? No, I’m asking seriously. If it’s not Olympic Fever it’s some sort of fever, because your face is covered in hives. You might want to see a doctor about that. I don’t think it’s NBC-induced.

Ah, the Olympic Games! That furious struggle of country upon country. It’s wonderful, no? If you’re like me, you’ve been devouring all you can. Any sport, it doesn’t matter. It’s important that we enjoy these Olympics because a lot can happen in four years, and the sun may be too close to the earth in 2016 to go outside, and we’ll all be living in a system of tunnels. That’s going to really hurt the skeet shooting event. Just as I brought you the Official KSR Guide to the Summer Olympics (Part One) last Friday, I swore that I’d bring you Part Two today. And as I’m a man of my word, here it is — your continued initiation into these games. Only one week left, friends, so let’s waste no time. And as always, have a phenomenal weekend.


Table Tennis
What it is: It’s basically tennis, only tinier. It’s tiny tennis. Matches are played in a best-of-seven games, with the winner being the first to eleven points. Since table tennis joined the Olympics in 1988, China has won 20 of 24 gold medals in the event.
What you should know: The table tennis finals are scheduled to be held in your friend Gary’s unfinished basement on Saturday. He has some beer in the fridge, but you’re welcome to bring whatever you want to drink.


BMX Biking
What it is: BMX (or Bicycle Motocross) is only in its second appearance as an Olympic sport, and the track consists of several jumps and banked corners. You will hear jargon like “bunny-hop,” “holeshot” and “whoop,” even though ESPN anchor Chris Berman is not calling the event.
What you should know: Statisticians have deducted it takes the average Olympic viewer roughly twenty minutes to realize that he or she is watching BMX Biking and not the world’s longest Mountain Dew commercial.


What it is: The dandy horses and top-hatted goofballs of the dressage competition are hilarious, but this portion of the Equestrian outing is only one-third of the entire event. The other two include eventing (cross-country, navigating through and over fanciful objects like little houses and fake cows) and jumping (a timed trial including jumping over rails and “simulated” stone walls). Just think of it as Downton Abbey: The Sport.
What you should know: There’s been a murder at the Equestrian events! Was the culprit wealthy estate owner Trevor Fosh-Corningwall? Or gadfly playboy socialite Livingston Knopp? Perhaps it was jilted heiress Sophia Von Clink? Belgian detective Hercule Poirot will get to the bottom of everything in Agatha Christie’s Murder Wins the Gold.


Rhythmic Gymnastics
What it is: Modern rhythmic gymnastics consists of short floor exercises set to music and feature props like a hoop, ribbons, clubs or a ball, with each athlete required to display a series of moves for the judges. These moves include “tip-toeing,” “leaping around” and “general prissiness.”
What you should know: You could watch the rhythmic gymnastics event. Or you could just wait until your buddy’s four year-old daughter dresses like a princess and screams for everyone to stop talking and watch her “routine” the next time you’re trying to have a nice night out over at a friend’s house. It’s pretty much the same.


What it is: A tense battle of reflexes and wit, teams are allowed eight athletes apiece competing in events like the Foil, the Epee and the Sabre. These events are generally held on the highest mast of a flaming pirate ship.
What you should know: It is not uncommon for an Olympic fencer to stop play, remove his mask and take a phone call from a butler informing him that there is a “problem” with the plans, which will upset him. This is because all fencers are devious billionaire movie villains.


What it is: The word “taekwondo” translates to english as the “way of foot and fist” and scoring occurs when one athlete lands a successful kick or punch to his opponent’s “scoring zone” in a series of three two-minute rounds. In the final minutes of each match, it is permissible for one opponent to rip out the still-beating heart of his rival. This is commonly referred to as a “flawless victory.”
What you should know: Though your sensei will instruct you to do so, sweeping the leg is both illegal and dangerous.


What it is: The Trampoline event was first introduced to the olympic Games in 2000 and regularly features athletes jumping to heights reaching nearly thirty-two feet in the air while doing elaborate flips and twists.
What you should know: Trampoline is the funnest Olympic event! Wheeeeee!

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

9 Comments for The Official KSR Guide to the Summer Olympics (Part Two)

  1. HA!
    1:05 pm August 3, 2012 Permalink

    Gold Tomlin! Gold! The pictures just make it even funnier

  2. what the what
    1:09 pm August 3, 2012 Permalink

    Great work C.M. Entertaining read right before my lunch break.

  3. ThatsAShame
    1:20 pm August 3, 2012 Permalink

    Pretty funny stuff Tomlin.

  4. Will S
    1:21 pm August 3, 2012 Permalink

    “Coach K is not going to play Anthony Davis. Coach K hates Kentucky and will never allow the former Kentucky star to shine in the Olympics. It would hurt Duke’s recruiting. He hates Coach Cal.”

    Remember when those comments were running rapid on this message board? Where are all of you now?

  5. Sally Mae
    1:29 pm August 3, 2012 Permalink

    Can u believe no more baseball or softball in the Olympics. That’s crap! Combined, they’r probably the second most popular sport in the world behind soccer/futbol.

  6. asdf
    1:30 pm August 3, 2012 Permalink

    4. Fortunately, Coach K also hates losing.

  7. Gogh Big Bleu
    1:58 pm August 3, 2012 Permalink

    “Statisticians have deducted it takes the average Olympic viewer roughly twenty minutes to realize that he or she is watching BMX Biking and not the world’s longest Mountain Dew commercial.”

  8. Pabloco
    2:39 pm August 3, 2012 Permalink

    If Dressage is a sport then teaching my dog to sit is a sport.

  9. Will S
    3:43 pm August 3, 2012 Permalink

    6) True, the USA team couldn’t beat Nigeria without Anthony Davis.