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The NCAA Guide to Christmas (As Determined and Approved by Vote, Effective December 4, 2011)

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1.3.6
Cocoa will be served at a temperature of 76 degrees Celsius, not to exceed 84 degrees Celsius. Cocoa served in excess of these temperatures will be subject to investigation.

1.5.7
“Secret Santas” will be drawn from a pre-determined hat approved by NCAA regulations. Each week for the four weeks leading up to Christmas, the “Secret Santa” is to strategically place a “gift” on the desk of the co-worker whose name he/she has drawn. Gifts may include colorful mugs or placquards denoting a particular dislike/like for a certain day of the week or a particular need for caffeine, and should be appropriate for the workplace. Candies and/or office supplies (i.e., post-it notes) may be also considered but subject to review.

2.6.4
Gifts may not be shared with recruits under the pretense that a “magical individual” bestowed a present upon them in effort to deliberately mislead recruits or circumvent NCAA regulations.

2.7.4
Acceptable cookie shapes include ONLY: bell, star, wreath, tree.

2.9.3
Mistletoe should be plastic to avoid allergic reaction and hung at a height of 6’6″ so as to include taller individuals. Kisses beneath said mistletoe will follow NCAA procedure dictating pursed lips and no suction. Open mouth kissing or “french”-style kissing will not be tolerated under any circumstances.

3.1.2
Stockings should be hung by the chimney “with care.” Stockings deemed to be slovenly or carelessly hung will result in an infraction and mandatory fine.

3.5.4
Recitation of the popular holiday song “Frosty the Snowman” will describe the lead character’s features as follows: one (1) corncob pipe, one (1) button nose, two (2) eyes made out of coal, one (1) magic hat. NO EXCEPTIONS.

4.2.1
The NCAA-mandated period for the “Twelve Days of Christmas” are from 12:00 pm, December 14 to 12:00 pm, December 25. NO 19TH-CENTURY GIFTS WILL BE PERMISSIBLE OUTSIDE OF THIS TIME FRAME.

4.4.3
Christmas may be denoted as follows: “holly,” “jolly,” “merry,” “little.” Other adjectives must be used bearing an signed waiver declaring the use acceptable.

4.6.5
Yule logs are not to exceed 1’9″ (length) and 7″ (width) and are only to be burned while wearing approved flame-retardant clothing and protective eye goggles.

5.2.1
Christmas meals: Any table including turkey will be investigated to ensure proper channels have been navigated in accordance with NCAA protocol.

5.8.1
Coaches may not bestow gifts of any kind upon rostered players excluding the repair of visible dental work (front teeth) and only then in accordance with NCAA dental regulations denoting injuries sustained on the field of play (see medical and cosmetic surgery, Appendix III).

6.2.1
Use of extraneous reindeer is not permitted unless approved for inclement weather and additional roster spots will be considered ONLY after designated paperwork has been filed and ruled permissible by an NCAA ruling body.

6.4.4
Individuals failing to comply with the above precedents and regulations will be investigated in full by three (3) ghosts on until NCAA concerns and questions surrounding the individual’s past, present and estimated future have been satisfied.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

13 Comments for The NCAA Guide to Christmas (As Determined and Approved by Vote, Effective December 4, 2011)



  1. Brian
    1:25 pm December 23, 2011 Permalink

    HILARIOUS!



  2. jaxcats8503
    1:36 pm December 23, 2011 Permalink

    Best line: “NO 19TH-CENTURY GIFTS WILL BE PERMISSIBLE OUTSIDE OF THIS TIME FRAME.” Had me rollin’.



  3. Al's IndiCats
    1:43 pm December 23, 2011 Permalink

    Damn Tomlin, you forgot they also CANNOT use or think about using both Butter and or Cream Cheese IF the NCAA is to warrent a breakfast meal consisting of a Bagal.



  4. RP_McMurphy
    2:01 pm December 23, 2011 Permalink

    Forgot One…………Only Bobby Knight can wear red sweaters during the NCAA defined Christmas Season.



  5. The Original Amy
    2:06 pm December 23, 2011 Permalink

    Ha Ha!! LOVED THIS! Thanks for posting something to crack me up while I sit here at work!



  6. Francis
    4:38 pm December 23, 2011 Permalink

    Hudsucker Proxy photo FTW!



  7. Rob Totten
    5:37 pm December 23, 2011 Permalink

    I can’t believe someone actually sat around and typed that.



  8. bluetooth
    6:45 pm December 23, 2011 Permalink

    4.6.5. should include the protective eye goggles cannot be 3 goggs by doron lamb of ky



  9. rvalentine
    6:55 pm December 23, 2011 Permalink

    I can’t believe someone actually sat around to type “I can’t believe someone actually typed that.” If what Tomln does here affects you so much that you feel you just HAVE to share your dislike with the world, it’s time to either move on or provide us all a link to the blog where you spend your time writing for others.



  10. Girl wildcat fan
    8:14 pm December 23, 2011 Permalink

    Brillant, Tomlin, just brillant!!! Go Cats!!



  11. Bastard Yak
    9:31 pm December 23, 2011 Permalink

    12 days of Christmas starts on Christmas day and ends on the 5th of january, not the 14th through 25th



  12. Doug
    12:24 am December 24, 2011 Permalink

    2.9.3 had to be the best, right? I look forward to Tomlins posts each week and he never disappoints. Brilliant.



  13. statician
    11:34 am December 24, 2011 Permalink

    no african americans represented in this pic. looks like a klan meeting