Hello, friends. How are you? I want you to know, today, that you’re my true love. And I treasure all the time we’ve spent together. Also, I’m dying of leukemia. Could you have Brian Kelly send me a game ball? Here’s my facebook account name.
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that there’s a lot of talk in the sports world today about the possible inexistence of Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o’s well-publicized and possibly deceased girlfriend Lennay Kekua. You know the story by now. But we here at Kentucky Sports Radio are nothing if not constantly vigilant to your own well-being. We want you to be happy, and live fruitful lives, and win Heisman trophies. That’s why today, as another in a long-running collection of public service announcements to you, our readers, we offer a simple quiz for you to take at your home or workplace to avoid any potential media scandals in a piece we’ll call The KSR Quiz: Does Your Girlfriend Exist? If just one of you realizes that you’ve been the victim of a hoax you may or may not be perpetuating to increase your chances of national publicity, we’ve done our job. Sound good? Let’s get to it, then. Please answer the following questions open and honestly, and I’ll see you here again next week.
1. I first met my girlfriend:
a.) Over Facebook.
b.) Over Twitter.
c.) After a football game, when our stares got pleasantly tangled.
2. My girlfriend is:
a.) The love of my life.
b.) The greatest person I’ve ever known
c.) A person I’ve never seen face-to-face.
3. One hilarious joke my girlfriend likes to play is:
a.) Calling me by my “pet name” in front of my friends.
b.) Leaving me silly notes around the house.
c.) Hiding my shoes.
d.) Asking me to meet her in Hawaii and telling me that she can’t meet my parents and I can’t meet hers, and then not showing up when I get to Hawaii.
4. American Samoa is:
a.) An island in the Pacific Ocean.
b.) A fictional place from where beautiful and ill women come from.
5. When I hold my girlfriend in my arms, I feel:
a.) The indescribable emotion of pure love.
b.) The physical embodiment of all I want in life.
c.) The gentle breeze of the desk fan sitting directly behind her.
6. The last time I gave my girlfriend flowers:
a.) She squealed with delight and hugged me.
b.) She cried and told me how special they were.
c.) The flowers inexplicably fell through her hands and body and landed on the floor.
7. When I first introduced my girlfriend to my friends, they:
a.) Welcomed her with open arms.
b.) Told her stories about me.
c.) Nodded with a horrified look in their eyes and slowly backed away.
7. My girlfriend changes her outfits:
a.) Once daily.
b.) Sometimes several times a day.
c.) Only when Macy’s changes the seasonal clothing for its mannequins.
8. My girlfriend’s parents:
a.) Are supportive of our relationship.
b.) Treat me as a member of their own family.
c.) Use a startling amount of abbreviations and emoticons for their age.
9. The last time my girlfriend and I were intimate, I looked up into her eyes and saw:
a.) The portrait of beauty and goodness.
b.) The light fixture on my ceiling.
10. Sometimes I worry that my girlfriend:
a.) Will be injured or hurt.
b.) Will be alone and scared.
c.) Will leave me for my friend, because they seem to have a lot of the same interests and manner of writing.
11. The picture I will always keep of my girlfriend is:
a.) A snapshot of her playing on the beach.
b.) An instagram of us taken at Christmas.
c.) A photo of a broom with a bucket on top, with eyes painted on the bucket and yellow yarn for hair.
12. One thing I would change about my girlfriend is:
a.) Her sleep habits.
b.) Her tendency to be late to things.
c.) That kissing her sometimes feels like kissing a broom with a bucket on top.
14. My greatest fear is that:
a.) My girlfriend won’t love me anymore.
b.) My girlfriend might tip over and her head might fall off.
15. I will love my girlfriend:
a.) Until the end of time.
b.) Until my dying breath.
c.) Until I’m drafted by the Bills.