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The KSR Quiz: Does Your Girlfriend Exist?

 

Hello, friends. How are you? I want you to know, today, that you’re my true love. And I treasure all the time we’ve spent together. Also, I’m dying of leukemia. Could you have Brian Kelly send me a game ball? Here’s my facebook account name.

Friends, I don’t need to tell you that there’s a lot of talk in the sports world today about the possible inexistence of Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o’s well-publicized and possibly deceased girlfriend Lennay Kekua. You know the story by now. But we here at Kentucky Sports Radio are nothing if not constantly vigilant to your own well-being. We want you to be happy, and live fruitful lives, and win Heisman trophies. That’s why today, as another in a long-running collection of public service announcements to you, our readers, we offer a simple quiz for you to take at your home or workplace to avoid any potential media scandals in a piece we’ll call The KSR Quiz: Does Your Girlfriend Exist? If just one of you realizes that you’ve been the victim of a hoax you may or may not be perpetuating to increase your chances of national publicity, we’ve done our job. Sound good? Let’s get to it, then. Please answer the following questions open and honestly, and I’ll see you here again next week.

———–

1. I first met my girlfriend:

a.) Over Facebook.

b.) Over Twitter.

c.) After a football game, when our stares got pleasantly tangled.

 

2. My girlfriend is:

a.) The love of my life.

b.) The greatest person I’ve ever known

c.) A person I’ve never seen face-to-face.

 

3. One hilarious joke my girlfriend likes to play is:

a.) Calling me by my “pet name” in front of my friends.

b.) Leaving me silly notes around the house.

c.) Hiding my shoes.

d.) Asking me to meet her in Hawaii and telling me that she can’t meet my parents and I can’t meet hers, and then not showing up when I get to Hawaii.

 

4. American Samoa is:

a.) An island in the Pacific Ocean.

b.) A fictional place from where beautiful and ill women come from.

 

5. When I hold my girlfriend in my arms, I feel:

a.) The indescribable emotion of pure love.

b.) The physical embodiment of all I want in life.

c.) The gentle breeze of the desk fan sitting directly behind her.

 

6. The last time I gave my girlfriend flowers:

a.) She squealed with delight and hugged me.

b.) She cried and told me how special they were.

c.) The flowers inexplicably fell through her hands and body and landed on the floor.

 

7. When I first introduced my girlfriend to my friends, they:

a.) Welcomed her with open arms.

b.) Told her stories about me.

c.) Nodded with a horrified look in their eyes and slowly backed away.

 

7. My girlfriend changes her outfits:

a.) Once daily.

b.) Sometimes several times a day.

c.) Only when Macy’s changes the seasonal clothing for its mannequins.

 

8. My girlfriend’s parents:

a.)   Are supportive of our relationship.

b.)   Treat me as a member of their own family.

c.)   Use a startling amount of abbreviations and emoticons for their age.

 

9. The last time my girlfriend and I were intimate, I looked up into her eyes and saw:

a.) The portrait of beauty and goodness.

b.) The light fixture on my ceiling.

 

10.  Sometimes I worry that my girlfriend:

a.) Will be injured or hurt.

b.) Will be alone and scared.

c.) Will leave me for my friend, because they seem to have a lot of the same interests and manner of writing.

 

11. The picture I will always keep of my girlfriend is:

a.) A snapshot of her playing on the beach.

b.) An instagram of us taken at Christmas.

c.) A photo of a broom with a bucket on top, with eyes painted on the bucket and yellow yarn for hair.

 

12. One thing I would change about my girlfriend is:

a.)   Her sleep habits.

b.)   Her tendency to be late to things.

c.) That kissing her sometimes feels like kissing a broom with a bucket on top.

 

14. My greatest fear is that:

a.) My girlfriend won’t love me anymore.

b.) My girlfriend might tip over and her head might fall off.

 

15. I will love my girlfriend:

a.) Until the end of time.

b.) Until my dying breath.

c.) Until I’m drafted by the Bills.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

45 Comments for The KSR Quiz: Does Your Girlfriend Exist?



  1. Hahahaha
    1:35 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Your Te’o jokes kill me! It wouldn’t get old if you made posts all year on him. Teosportsradio



  2. Coach Durbin
    1:37 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Love it, Tomlin



  3. Douggercats
    1:40 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Everyone knows that 4 is c.) A coconut/caramel girl scout cookie. You can buy them from my daughter.



  4. Wildcatwill
    1:43 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Of course she exist! She frequently dies though, but then I reinflate her and Waallllaaaa!



  5. Sir. Brandon
    1:49 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Laugheth mine arse off!



  6. catlogic15
    1:51 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Clever idea. Clever post.



  7. HeshimuEvans'2ndGradeTeacher
    1:56 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    That was pretty damn funny



  8. hawkeye tim
    1:58 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    He will be a second round pick. This attention getting plan blew up. It must be rough for him right now but he will survive.



  9. klassact32
    2:01 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    You all are beating a “dead” horse, can we move on please!



  10. Biff Tannen
    2:05 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Bahahaha



  11. Carl
    2:06 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Good stuff.Using the Te’o method of courtship I can keep my wife and have a ‘girl friend’ too. #9 The horse isn’t dead until Manti confesses to being over-rated as a player and as a team.



  12. MustangCat
    2:07 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    The truth about Te’o’s dead fake girlfriend is that she dumped him – for Clint Eastwoods empty chair! (Heard this one at work!)



  13. UKBlue1!
    2:08 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    I wonder if there was a memorial fund set up for his “dead” girlfriend. If so, who got the money. This would be considered fraud, if he was receiving the money wouldn’t this also make him ineligible? I hate N. Dame.



  14. Mrob
    2:11 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Hahaha hard not to bust out laughing during class. Teo is an idiot



  15. the ghost of Bill Hicks
    2:12 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    That was BTI type/low hanging fruit work. Tomlin, you’re better than this.



  16. bluefan
    2:16 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Hilarious! This story wouldn’t be half as funny if Teo hadn’t acted like such an a$$ when we played Notre Dame in basketball and he was yelling “overrated” right in the players faces. Also didn’t like that they gave him so much camera and microphone time during our game. Can’t say I’m not enjoying this. A lot. Keep ’em coming, please.



  17. Smh
    2:16 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    is this really right? I hate being a Debbie downer but this is wrong and the way you all are reacting to a kid who thought someone he was having a relationship with for years died is terrible … What’s funny about that? …. Okay so he lied about meeting a girl, but at the end of the day he’s the victim… Maybe it’s because someone I knew got ” catfished” i can understand how it felt because my buddy hasnt been the same since.. someone like him may never be the same and it’ll possible scar him I know it’s all fun and games but what if all of you guys laughing at him and making fun of him for having a online relationship cause him to commit suicide ( god forbid ). Will it still be funny?



  18. Smh
    2:18 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Ofcourse if he was behind all of this all hell will break loose…



  19. uk3k
    2:20 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    @17) he knew what was going on. He lied mutiple times himself to decieve the public and he knew the guy that was doing it. He wanted the publicity and the heisman, so he wrote his own personal Nicholas Sparks background stories to warm americas hearts.



  20. Azubuike's Bicep
    2:25 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    19- According to who though? You? What if he really didn’t know? How about we reserve judgement until something more comes out. Otherwise, all this talk really could be ruining his life.



  21. HeshimuEvans'2ndGradeTeacher
    2:28 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    #17 – He knew. His dad lied about it multiple times as well. There’s no denying it. The weirdest part is the Arizona fullback that still claims she’s real!



  22. theWilkman
    2:32 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Sounds like Lennay is Buckethead Wendy



  23. johnny
    2:33 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    If he really is the victim, then this is cruel…If he was in on it, then this post is old and tired, cant believe you actually took the time to type this out.



  24. Hold up!
    2:33 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Maybe we shouldn’t be so rough on Te’o (is that HIS real name anyway?). Ya know, he is in the “special” program at ND. Don’t believe me, check out his course work, it makes UNC athletes blush.



  25. Lance
    2:36 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Damn you Mai Tai….



  26. Mack
    2:37 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    After you have enjoyed the humor with this story about the dead fake girl friend we may realize he is on to something. Would not all of our lives benefitted from a few fake girl friends instead of all the problems we have had with real girl friends.



  27. UKOnMyMind
    2:41 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    My girlfriend has an unprecedented amount of spam ware.



  28. Line 3
    2:42 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    #26 – My wife would rather I have a ‘real’ girlfriend, that way she would know I still liked women and was a typical crappy husband. Now, if she found out I had a ‘fake’ girlfriend, and went as far with the story as Manti, she’d have me committed, and divorse me and take all my stuff.



  29. Kendrick Lamar
    2:46 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Love one of you bucketheaded hoes? No way.



  30. Smitty
    2:48 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    When you get down on one knee and pray in public that is “Tebowing”…. If you hug yourself in public are you “Te’oing”?



  31. Geewiz
    2:49 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    For everyone that say to stop beating a dead horse, this story broke yesterday, make you’re complaint a month from now. Is anyone really surprised that everyone is taking up for this dude? We all know that these “journalist” aren’t going to admit they were too swept up in the story to do their due dilligence and ND is just saving face until the truth comes out. Nobody likes it when the golden boy turns out to be a d bag.



  32. catlogic 15
    2:52 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    #17 Are you the same dude that wants all of us to leave Brittny alone?



  33. Jughead
    3:05 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Teo is a psychopath. Not sure about his GF.



  34. Jughead
    3:06 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    And, ND helped him cover it up. Of course, they have years of experience doing the same things with priests.



  35. Jughead
    3:19 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Sorry–the priest comment was a low blow.



  36. Vitamin
    3:20 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    My left hand exists.



  37. Capt. Obvious
    4:39 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    Te’o will have the worst awareness level in Madden history



  38. KyKid
    6:30 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    30 and 37 – too funny!



  39. kfund
    7:21 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink


  40. David
    9:36 pm January 17, 2013 Permalink

    This is by far the best site I have seen about Manti Te’o jokes! Priceless!



  41. DrRxCATS
    12:27 am January 18, 2013 Permalink

    the #4 question should include C.) a girl scout cookie



  42. Garmaster
    10:40 am January 18, 2013 Permalink

    37. Wins, well done Capt. Obvious.



  43. JB
    11:04 am January 18, 2013 Permalink

    I am shocked that Pete Thamel went with a headline grabbing story instead of seeking out the facts. Shocked!



  44. BEAST
    11:30 am January 18, 2013 Permalink

    Probably should have quit after about question 5. Come on. You’re better than that.



  45. Bo
    1:37 pm January 18, 2013 Permalink

    Where’s number 13?