Hello, friends. I hope you’re well. You look tremendous. You must have lost, what, around 400 pounds? I can’t believe you’re the same person I saw on TV last year needing a crane to knock down a wall to get you out of your home. Well done, buddy!
Friends, as we all know, last week’s Louisville Hate Day went as smashing as it ever has, regardless of the outcome of last weekend’s game. And, as we all also know, this weekend sees the Wildcats facing down Kent State in our first home game of the 2012 season. But where’s the hate for Kent State, everyone? Where’s #KentStateHateDay? From time to time, I feel it’s my duty to compile all the vitriol of a “Hate Day” into one post for a specific team, and I today the moment has come for Kent State to feel the wrath of the Big Blue Nation. You’re on notice, Golden Flashes! Prepare for the Abridged and Condensed Kent State Hate Day Post! Let’s tee off!
This is beautiful Kent, Ohio — home of Kent State University. It’s located just off of the larger city of Akron, which is affectionately referred to as the “Meth Capital of Ohio.” Downtown Kent, as you can see in this picture, features stunning architecture, a bustling nightlife and at least two dry cleaners! Take that, Toledo! Advantage, Kent. The city has largely been considered a manufacturing center of the state of Ohio, its chief export being sadness. If you’d like to get to Kent, Ohio, just ask anyone in Ohio, and they’ll hand you a gun so you can kill yourself.
Welcome to Kent State! You can almost feel the excitement of learning and/or meth use! You’re not supposed to sit on the grass but this rule, as you can see, is loosely enforced. It’s all about you at Kent State! There’s some architecture in the center of campus too, but no one knows what it’s supposed to be. Maybe some tree trunks? I don’t know either. You can sit on the edge of the sculptures, but please don’t kick the bushes. All of the people in this picture are excited about the first day of school at Kent State. Don’t be late to your first class! You might wake up your professor! (Your professors will be asleep.)
Your education at Kent State is important, whether you’re an amateur baseball player, a hippie, a person with spinal problems or a guy who wears a tie! None of these people would hang out together in real life, but that’s the magic of Kent State! The guy in the tie is telling his friends about his jazz quartet while the hippie writes down all the information. The baseball player is pretending to listen and the student on the ground is reading his favorite book, an advertisement for Axe Body Spray. Your fellow students are like family!
Oh my goodness! Look at these happy students! Have you ever seen students who looked so happy? These students are the top of their class! One girl is looking “sexy” while another girl flexes her muscles. One student is throwing up hilarious gang signs while his friends murder each other behind him! Whatever your major at Kent State, your minor will always be FUN!
Pie! Hey guys, you’re supposed to eat it, not wear it!
This is Dix Stadium, named after the students. It’s a stunning facility where the Kent State Football Team practices and plays. It has at least two sets of lights and if you need to run an errand, you can borrow the team Plymouth Acclaim. Be sure to get here early on game days, before the concession stand runs out of pork rinds and Hi-C.
Kent State is known as “The Golden Flashes,” and above are three different Kent State Mascots. Curiously, they are all named “Flash,” even though one is an eagle, one is somebody’s dog with a flag draped over it and one is a hideous man-bird which attacks and eats women.
This weekend the Kent State Golden Flashes visit Commonwealth Stadium for the second game of the 2012 season. Let’s hope sophomore linebacker Andre Parker is on his game Saturday. He’s a tremendous asset for both Kent State and any opponent Kent State plays. Check out this stellar play last week against Towson State, which the folks of “The Pulse” — who’ve seen everything — simply can’t believe!
Also, Kent State went on to win this game 41-21. And including last season, they’ve won five of their last six games under coach Darrell Hazell. And they’re pretty good. It still doesn’t change the fact that the average Kentucky fan looks like this:
And the average Kent State fan looks like this:
So let’s do this thing, Kent State! How dare you think you can march onto our home turf and take us down, even if you are a very strong team who had a great season last year and will likely have another decent season this year! And come on, Big Blue Nation! Let’s get this rivalry started! Get your trash-talking pants on and get to work! Let’s celebrate Kent State Hate Day! Let’s get the hashtag #kentstatehateday trending right now!