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Self-Medicating: The WebMD Diagnosis for University of Kentucky Football

 

Overview

University of Kentucky Football is an ailment regional to its namesake Kentucky and can consist of long periods of forlorn abandonment punctuated by manic episodes of uncontrollable rage. This condition can be debilitating in its heightened moments but may present as a dull ache during cooler months of the year.

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Are You at Risk?

Those who live in the central area of Kentucky you are especially prone to suffer from University of Kentucky Football, but University of Kentucky football is capable of spreading to any of the state’s borders and occasionally to other regions and states. An attention to family history is also important as you may have inherited signs of Kentucky Football from generations before you. Those at an increased risk include students or alumni of the University of Kentucky, as a vast number of recorded cases over the last ten years have originated on the school’s campus.

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Symptoms

-Periods of losing attention to the score

-Periods of anger when attention is called to the score

-Sharp pains for up to sixty minutes once a week

-Increased bourbon consumption

-“Sad face”

-“Sad Bowl”

-Punt fatigue

-Lack of blockages

-Moments of passing followed by moments of sadness

-Invasive red zones

-Route confusion

-Uncontrollable sighing

-Lack of Gatorade immersion

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Treatment and Care

There is currently no known cure for University of Kentucky Football, though drastic and experimental measures have in the past yielded periods of temporary relief. In some cases extreme pain can lead, over a long period, to moments of elation (“The Brooksian Effect”), but not always. Certain treatments have been known to curb pain associated with University of Kentucky Football, including:

-Alcohol

-Keeneland

-Avoidance of newspapers, websites and the last ten minutes of televised news

-Shutting eyes

-Pretending the team you’re watching is Louisville’s team

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Quality of Life

Studies have proven it is possible to live with University of Kentucky Football for at least two games per season, but symptoms will inevitably return. Generally the pain subsides in late October to mid-November with increased time spent indoors and around banners.

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Getting Help

Support groups are often available conveniently around the state, meeting weekly at taverns and restaurants, and dealing with University of Kentucky football alone is never advised. Should you or a loved one feel you are currently suffering from University of Kentucky Football, please see an athletic director immediately.

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References

Goldwater, JA (2011). “I Can’t Watch This Anymore.” Steve’s House, October, 8:53 PM

Handleman, GD (2010). “At Least We Have Basketball.” Buffalo Wild Wings, November, 4:12 PM

Goldwater, JA (2011). “Seriously, This Is Ridiculous.” Steve’s House, October, 9:20 PM

Borellson, DE (2012). “Yes, I WILL Go To That Wedding with You. What Else Am I Going to Do, Watch This?” Residence, September, 1:30 PM

 

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

17 Comments for Self-Medicating: The WebMD Diagnosis for University of Kentucky Football



  1. True Blue
    1:05 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    Wow, KSR got some crappy writing these days.



  2. Rixter
    1:25 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    Tomlin, don’t feel bad. I’m sure you’re good at a lot of things.
    Writing isn’t for everybody.



  3. Hal
    1:34 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    this is why tomlin gets paid the big bucks at KSR



  4. SexnNursinHomes
    1:37 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    Tomlin, your references aren’t in APA style



  5. Commonwealth Doc
    1:45 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    Diagnosis: From a review of the medical evidence and the patient’s known symptoms, it is clear that the core affliction is a growing, if not malignant, tumor emanting from the patient’s central organ system (athletic director’s office). Incorrect diagnosis and a refusal to recognize symptoms has led to the administration of a non-therapuedic, counter-productive, treatment plan (Joker) which has further compounded the disease and allowed metastasis into a major body system (football program). Prognosis: Unless immediate excision of the tumor is performed and a reversal of the current treatment regime, there is little hope of saving the appendage, which further risks the prospect that the condition could adversely affect other vital, healthy body systems (basketball program).



  6. Yo
    1:47 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    Gold Tomlin…Gold



  7. Lavrinski
    1:54 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    Tomlin, as usual, knocks it out of the park



  8. STEVE!
    2:00 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    Seems like we’ve turned the corner from blind optimism to kickin’ ’em when they’re down. Not sure which is worse.



  9. Carrie
    2:19 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    Add the continuous playing of Rhianna/Eminem’s “Love the Way You Lie” and it this article perfectly describes my abusive relationship with Ky. Football.



  10. Tomlins Dugout
    2:21 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    Just when you think Tomlin can’t get any better, he walks off with this round tripper. 1-3 are obvious D-bags with zero wit.



  11. wow
    2:26 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    1 i agree the more ksr writes about football the more it looks like they dont know what there talking about



  12. SonsOfAnarchy
    2:26 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    This is what you call a Grand Slam down by 3 runs in the bottom of the 9th in Game 7 of the World Series. Even though it is making fun of the University that I love, I still LMMFAO.



  13. theWilkman
    3:06 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    11. And what, pray you, are the writers wrong about? Have you actually watched any of the games? Are you happy with the product on the field? I’m usually an optimist when it comes to UK football, but this season has been one of the most depressing I can remember.



  14. jnkjdfn
    3:15 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    bravo, Tomlin.
    brilliant.



  15. Swamp Jankins
    3:16 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    This post is fantastic. 1&2 probably enjoy ice tea and finger sandwiches while “tailgating” with President Eli.



  16. Rockbottom70
    3:53 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    Hilarious! I am definitely stricken!



  17. waltahtothealtah
    6:15 pm September 28, 2012 Permalink

    Brilliant!!!!