From: David J. Stern, NBA Commissioner
To: Potential NBA Draftees
RE: Draft Night
Welcome Future NBA Draftees!
I’m writing today to wish you all best of luck tonight in the 2013 NBA Draft. I wish I could have had the time to meet with each of you individually here in my office, but with current construction to re-mahoganize my office and personal appearances post-Championship, I’ve been in various places which has made this impossible. I would, however, like to reach out to you today with a letter to familiarize yourself with the goings-on this evening and what the NBA will expect from you once you have joined one of our professional teams. Please take the time to peruse this information as it will prepare you for the evening and what’s to come this evening.
Please dress appropriately. We want you to project an appearance of integrity of all time to reflect our organization. If at all possible, please relegate your wardrobe on draft night to earth tone or dark colors. Glasses (both prescription and accessory) are permissible though, please, no hats. With any luck, you’re going to have more than enough time to sport the new, ill-fitting hat of your new franchise on-camera in no time!
When you’re drafted, please adhere to the following NBA protocol. You will approach the podium where I will awkwardly greet you (please note that high fives or complex handshakes may throw me off, and I humbly request no hugs). You will then hold the hat sporting your new team’s logo while flashing the “number one” sign with your index finger. This will show that the team you are joining is or will be a “number one” team! It’s your chance to shine!
Always smile. Trust me, I know this can be difficult. I myself only am physically able (doctor’s orders) to smile upwards of sixteen times in a twenty-four hour period, and it can be exhausting. Portland Trailblazers? Smile. Orlando Magic? Smile. Shorty blowing up your cell? Smile. Stephen A. Smith’s clammy handshake freaking you out? Keep smiling. Remember: this is a happy occasion!
No profanity. You may be surprised that you are drafted early/drafted at all. This is wonderful news, but please keep your decorum as live cameras will be filming you. Keep your exclamations safe for network television; there will be plenty of time for you to curse on live television when you’re in a future playoff situation.
Remember: You will be buying your mom a house. You will hopefully be making a lot of income as the newest member of the NBA, and it’s not unlikely that a sports reporter may ask you what you’re going to do next. YOU ARE GOING TO BUY YOUR MOM A HOUSE. This is the appropriate answer. While we do understand that you may fully intend to “roll deep” that night at one of New York City’s many wonderful nightlife establishments, begin construction on your Scarface-style mansion or commission a holographic piece of artwork bearing your own likeness, your response should be that buying your mother a house is the top priority. Your high school or AAU basketball coach may also expect a house; this is at your own discretion.
Tweeting. Attached is the appropriate form which must be completed and submitted to the National Basketball Association’s legal team before any comment is available to Twitter stating the actual intention of the tweet and for review of vernacular acronyms (i.e., “HAM” is much different than “ham.”). This is for your protection.
Again, please, no hugs or creative handshakes. I can’t stress this enough. Also, please do not speak to me or make eye contact. This is nothing personal.
If/when you are drafted, allow me to be the first to say congratulations! We look forward to having you as a member of the NBA and monetizing your likeness in virtually all mediums. Good luck!
David J. Stern, Commissioner
National Basketball Association