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Re: Draft Night

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URGENT

From: David J. Stern, NBA Commissioner

To: Potential NBA Draftees

RE: Draft Night

 

Welcome Future NBA Draftees!

 

I’m writing today to wish you all best of luck tonight in the 2013 NBA Draft. I wish I could have had the time to meet with each of you individually here in my office, but with current construction to re-mahoganize my office and personal appearances post-Championship, I’ve been in various places which has made this impossible. I would, however, like to reach out to you today with a letter to familiarize yourself with the goings-on this evening and what the NBA will expect from you once you have joined one of our professional teams. Please take the time to peruse this information as it will prepare you for the evening and what’s to come this evening.

 

Please dress appropriately. We want you to project an appearance of integrity of all time to reflect our organization. If at all possible, please relegate your wardrobe on draft night to earth tone or dark colors. Glasses (both prescription and accessory) are permissible though, please, no hats. With any luck, you’re going to have more than enough time to sport the new, ill-fitting hat of your new franchise on-camera in no time!

 

When you’re drafted, please adhere to the following NBA protocol. You will approach the podium where I will awkwardly greet you (please note that high fives or complex handshakes may throw me off, and I humbly request no hugs). You will then hold the hat sporting your new team’s logo while flashing the “number one” sign with your index finger. This will show that the team you are joining is or will be a “number one” team! It’s your chance to shine!

 

Always smile. Trust me, I know this can be difficult. I myself only am physically able (doctor’s orders) to smile upwards of sixteen times in a twenty-four hour period, and it can be exhausting. Portland Trailblazers? Smile. Orlando Magic? Smile. Shorty blowing up your cell? Smile. Stephen A. Smith’s clammy handshake freaking you out? Keep smiling. Remember: this is a happy occasion!

 

No profanity. You may be surprised that you are drafted early/drafted at all. This is wonderful news, but please keep your decorum as live cameras will be filming you. Keep your exclamations safe for network television; there will be plenty of time for you to curse on live television when you’re in a future playoff situation.

 

Remember: You will be buying your mom a house. You will hopefully be making a lot of income as the newest member of the NBA, and it’s not unlikely that a sports reporter may ask you what you’re going to do next. YOU ARE GOING TO BUY YOUR MOM A HOUSE. This is the appropriate answer. While we do understand that you may fully intend to “roll deep” that night at one of New York City’s many wonderful nightlife establishments, begin construction on your Scarface-style mansion or commission a holographic piece of artwork bearing your own likeness, your response should be that buying your mother a house is the top priority. Your high school or AAU basketball coach may also expect a house; this is at your own discretion.

 

Tweeting. Attached is the appropriate form which must be completed and submitted to the National Basketball Association’s legal team before any comment is available to Twitter stating the actual intention of the tweet and for review of vernacular acronyms (i.e., “HAM” is much different than “ham.”). This is for your protection.

 

Again, please, no hugs or creative handshakes. I can’t stress this enough. Also, please do not speak to me or make eye contact. This is nothing personal.

 

If/when you are drafted, allow me to be the first to say congratulations! We look forward to having you as a member of the NBA and monetizing your likeness in virtually all mediums. Good luck!

 

Best,

David J. Stern, Commissioner

National Basketball Association

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

21 Comments for Re: Draft Night



  1. Robin
    12:10 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    Holy proof reading batman!



  2. Boogie
    12:15 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    Pathetically not funny with 3rd grade proof reading



  3. Logan
    12:16 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    Shaq going to mentor Boogie according to Eric Freeman.



  4. RedVBlue
    12:18 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    Hey everyone, help support my buddy’s film about the KY/UL rivalry.

    http://kck.st/19vCGRV



  5. ukfaninohio
    12:20 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    How long untill somebody reads this and thinks it’s real?



  6. RahRah
    12:22 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    Tomlin ALWAYS makes me laugh.



  7. Scott
    12:26 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    I’ve read warning labels that were more entertaining.



  8. Turner the Burner
    12:36 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    1 & 2 – proofreading or proof-reading would be acceptable



  9. wow...
    12:37 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    Please report sports news. Thanks.
    6) you need help.



  10. Dr. Tom
    12:46 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    And also please give recognition to BBN and specifically thank Coach Cal for putting you in position to reach your dream. And you could also mention things like at UK it is a players first program and excels above all other schools in putting players in the NBA. However you probably know to do all these things if you have been watching the draft for the last three years and have seen Cal’s players dominate the night.



  11. Musehobo
    12:56 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    Damn, KSR commenters get meaner every day. Tomlin has written more funny articles for KSR than most of you have ever read. And, the one guy who compliments the post gets demoralized by the rest of the bullies. If KSR can ever get around to the site re-design, all y’all douchebags won’t be able to anonymously hide. Luckily, Tomlin gets a paycheck from National Geographic every day that lets him he know he can write, so he doesn’t need the approval of a bunch of a-holes behind a keyboard.



  12. Scott41
    1:14 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    The plural of medium is media, not mediums.



  13. GoForIT
    1:23 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    #12- CM is that you??



  14. tyson
    1:39 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    sorry guys, but i also thought it was pretty funny.



  15. Musehobo
    1:51 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    14) Unlike C.M., I have the time to basically comment on nearly every post on this site. He’s not even a regular writer for KSR now. If you want to find me, I have the same twitter handle. But, of course, you think someone sticking up for a talented writer must be the writer, himself, posing as a frequent commenter.



  16. Michael F. Jox
    2:05 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    #16 – I’m not the one that thought you were the writer of this piece, but I do think it sounds like you need a life. So, now Tomlin has to not only collect his paycheck from National Geographic EVERY DAY, which somehow you know, write his occasional KSR piece that usually is too dry, and worry why you know about who he works for and how often he gets paid.



  17. Seven Eight Nine
    2:32 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    @12, 16 agree 100% Musehobo. All these people come onto this website every day just to write mean and degrading comments about articles written about something they love, written by people who care enough to write these articles in the dog days of summer, and we’re the ones who need a life?



  18. Seven Eight Nine
    2:37 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    These people go and demoralize the one guy who expresses an opinion contrary to theirs, but we’re the ones who need help?? Hm, maybe america is heading towards communism after all.



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  20. theWilkman
    5:17 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    Funny stuff. Tomlin will always have his haters.



  21. Dusty Mills
    5:24 pm June 27, 2013 Permalink

    Tomlin always makes me laugh.