Because It’s Friday, and It’s Late April : Five Short Plays About Bobby Petrino
(Interior, a bar, nighttime)
Bobby Petrino: Hey baby, you like motorcycles?
Jessica Dorrell: Oh Bobby, I don’t know about that.
Petrino: I got a brand new, grade-A bike out there in the parking lot. How about you go take a ride on it with me?
Dorrell: Well, I’ve never ridden on a motorcycle before.
Petrino: Let’s hit the road, then.
Dorrell: Okay. Are you sure it’s safe?
Petrino: Sure it is. You know I wouldn’t put you in harm’s way. And how hard can it be to ride a motorcycle, anyway?
——–
(Interior, a bar, nighttime)
Petrino: Did I tell you about my new motorcycle? It’s out there in the parking lot.
Dorrell: Oh Bobby! You’re just like Fonzie.
Petrino: I know. Aaayyyy…
Dorrell: That’s so sexy!
Petrino: Sit on it! Hey Mrs. C! What’s up Richie?
Dorrell: I swear you sound just like him!
Petrino: Yeah, I know. It’s crazy, isn’t it?
Dorrell: So let’s go see that motorcycle.
Petrino: Okay. Maybe we can jump Wilson’s Gorge.
Dorrell: That sounds exciting!
Petrino: Ayyyyy…
——-
(Exterior, a parking lot)
Petrino: …And this is the steering thing…And this is where I put the key.
Dorrell: You sure do know a lot about motorcycles, Bobby.
Petrino: Just a hobby of mine.
Dorrell: I think it’s sexy.
Petrino: Yeah? You want to go for a ride?
Dorrell: I’d love to.
Petrino: Sounds like fun to me. But if anyone asks, your name is Houston Nutt.
Dorrell: But…
Petrino: Just put this wig on and keep a low profile, okay? Let’s go.
——
(Late night. A phone rings.)
Captain Lance King: Hello?
Petrino: Lance, it’s Bobby! I need your help!
Capt. King: What happened, Bobby? Are you alright?
Petrino: Not really, man. Jessica and I went down to the zoo and jumped the fence into the polar bear enclosure. It was so stupid. Can you help me?
Capt. King: Let me make some calls.
Petrino: No one can know about this, Lance. Can I use your shower? I’m covered in polar bear blood.
Capt. King: Yes…why…?
Petrino: I had to defend myself, Lance. What else was I supposed to do?
—–
(Exterior, a parking lot, nighttime)
Petrino: (wraps his arms around Jessica Dorrell, pulling her close) You know I love you, right?
Dorrell: I love you too, Bobby. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.
Petrino: I feel the same way. I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life.
(They kiss, passionately)
Dorrell: Okay. Bobby?
Petrino: Yeah, sweetie?
Dorrell: I hope we work together for the rest of our lives.
Petrino: We will, baby. They love me here. Now get into this old barrel full of snakes. Don’t worry. My wife’s out of town.
38 Comments for Because It’s Friday, and It’s Late April : Five Short Plays About Bobby Petrino
Epic fail.
Should have gone straight to the dirty limericks about blarges.
Yikes….I typically enjoy all of Tomlin’s musings. Alas, this is not one of them. Should probably pull this one.
am i missing something? i thought C.M. Tomlin was supposed to be a good writer…?
Lame. They obviously have nothing to talk about so they post meaningless garbage like this. Great job KSR
LOL Low Blow!!
O and all you all lighten up, there isn’t epic news about basketball to report every hour and a half you know…
#1, #7 Epic douche’s
#8 Hey douche, nice name.
As usual, I don’t get it.
I reckon you could say Petrino slipped a Vienna Sausage to her while trying to get down on a hog!
Damn, Tomlin. Struggling today, huh?
“I hope we work together for the rest of our lives” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Another tomlin post that I don’t find humorous one bit. I feel like he’s a 15 year old kid, his comedy is so silly and childish. It’s like reading the script to monty python or dumb and dumber without having seen the movie.
tomlin, you are literally the only writer on this site I like. Only person I don’t just constantly bash in the comments
15- Tomlin, is that you?
@14 you must be 12, too
@15*
This is comedy gold Tomlin! Keep up the good work!
This is so awesome! Comedy at it’s finest!
This is solid comedy! Why can’t people understand your brilliance Tomlin?
This is stupid
I think this is one of the worst articles posted on here in a long time. I don’t typically like everything Tomlin does anyway, but this is turrible (in my Barkley voice).
Anyone else think that Tomlin is actually Matt posting under another name so he doesn’t get hammered?
Talking about happy days…
Looks like KSR has jumped the shark
Your content sucks now a days
Say what u will Matt but it does buddy just trying to help u as I love this place
Back to basics bud
Has any post accident pictures of Jessica been released, never heard anything about how bad she was injured.
I am a little dumber after reading that. Not sure if I am suppose to understand this or not.
I hate this more than communists and Ashley Judd. Oh, and black people.
26 – I understood it word for word, it’s just not funny, like most of the crap this dude posts.
I just feel dirty and uncomfortable after having read this. Was that your goal, Tomlin? I read it! I can’t unread it!
Polar bear enclosure – BWAHAHAHA!
I always heard BBN had no sense of humor but seriously, aren’t we all supposed to hate this guy?
On a more serious note, did anyone pay attention to that fact that during that press conference he chose to wear the Sugar Bowl hat along with the Arkansas gear? As if to say “Look you bunch of inbred hillbillies, before you pass judgement, I took you to the Sugar Bowl!!! I’m the KING OF THE WORLD!”
And here you thought the neck brace was from the accident. Did you see her picture.
Quit your bitching. It’s a free site, you don’t have to read it. If you don’t like it, then get your news elsewhere. Not every post is going to make you piss your pants and get you hard. Just shut the hell up and let them do what they do. No one cares about your pathetic opinion. Tomlin has been hired to write,, and you have been given the privilege to read what he writes. It’s not a right you have to demand posts that make you feel all fuzzy inside, because no one gives a shit about your opinion. Go sit on a stick and read the Huffington Post, maybe that will suit your fancy.
Hang in there Tomlin.
Okay let’s fast forward to December of 2012. UK has another disappointing football year under Joker. Face it BBN it’s going to happen and I am a big football fan. What if Petrino publicly does all the right apologetic things. Do we go after him for the head coaching spot?
horrible
#32 OMG YES, THANK YOU
#34 Sure what’s the worst that could happen? We get worse as a football team in the SEC? Not likely.
Bobby Petrino: Once was a Race her back, always a sad sack.
Doesn’t seem like the average KSR reader is a fan of the theater. I, for one, enjoyed it. Tomlin provides a unique voice and change of pace. In fact, I think it’s time KSR switched its approach from “the most ridiculous” to “the most highbrow” manner possible. I suggest the following topics:
1) Gender Roles in Davis’ and Noel’s Shotblocking: A Comparative Analysis.
2) The scatological foreshadowing of the three google.
3) The String Quartets of Franz Josef Hyden and Basketball: A Conversation Between 4 or 5 Intelligent Individuals.