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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Nihongo! It’s Need-to-Know Wednesday!

Friends,

As we all sit on proverbial pins and proverbial needles awaiting the yea-or-nay from various and sought after recruits, I’ve taken a more proactive approach (you can thank me later).

You see, only days ago I was in the Hokkaido region of Japan, doggedly tracking down an ancient relic known only in secret sects as the Kansho Horo, which translated means “Recruiting Stone.” After surviving a series of calculated spiked-wall traps, mind-bending puzzles and fierce scorpions, I took the Kansho Horo from its resting place and brought it back to the United States, where I will use it to complete a timeless ritual at the Nopo Kang, a nearly bottomless cavern located, strangely enough, in Omaha, Nebraska. There, I’ll pair the sacred stone is paired with the Homatura Po (“sceptre of foresight”) and the Wu Lin Scrolls (which were totally easy to get; those ninjas were, like, eighty years old).

After that, I must wait for the fourth thunderstorm of the month to charges the divine pool of Yo Yan with its lightning, sacrifice a “lhasa apso of ill repute”, recite some passages that I can’t repeat here, and wait for the fates to give me my answer. Then, friends, I will be able to tell you if Jai Lucas and Patrick Patterson will be signing with UK.

It’s a long, arduous ordeal, but you’re worth it. As I sit in this cave, fending off ravenous cave fish and growing increasingly nervous of a gutteral growling I hear in the near distance, I deliver to you this Need-to-Know Wednesday, fresh from the Land of the Rising Sun.

Enjoy, Godspeed, and itte kimasu.

That is all.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin