Hello, friends. And happy new year! I trust you all had a wonderful Christmas, a blessed Hanukkah, stunning Kwanzaa or splendid Feast of Zoroaster. Things were great here, thanks for asking, and I got the only thing I asked for this Christmas: a twelve-laserdisc copy of every 1988 episode of PBS’ McNeil/Lehrer NewsHour. Man, that was a great season. Do you guys remember that Lloyd Bentsen interview? Simply classic television.
Friends, as it’s New Year’s Day, it’s time to reflect upon the past year, put it behind us, and start gazing ahead to a bright and wonderful 2015. I know I sure am, and I’m certain that each of you are doing the same. It’s also a time to make New Year’s Resolutions to stick to going forward and make the coming year the best ever. I’ve been sending out some emails this past week to some of my closest friends and I’m pleased to share with you today some resolutions which some of my more famous comrades are making for 2015. I’d like to share them with you today. What else are you going to do, read the mail? Ha, ha! Mail doesn’t come today, dummy. Happy new year, everyone.
“I’d like to bring home a ninth National Championship for the University of Kentucky in 2015.”
“To play my best and not only get a championship ring, but score a high spot in the NBA draft.”
“To work on my confidence and take more shots.”
“I’m going to keep asking for whatever I want for however long I can get away with this. Yesterday I asked someone to peel forty strawberries for me and HE DID IT. I didn’t even eat them. How long can this last? I mean, seriously, what do you think? Maybe until September? I better get all I can out of it. Dude, this is awesome.”
To get an A’s in all my favorite classes this semester: British Baseball History, Mexican Symphonies, Furniture Recognition and Farmville.”
“I’m pushing myself to the limit in 2015. This year I’m going to punch TWO wolves.”
“To restore a functional order and respect to the National Basketball Association. Also, to protect my precious from the fires of Mordor at all costs.”
“I hope to continue in 2014 what I began in 2015: making fantasy football owners regret me.”
“I didn’t want to forget my resolution so I wrote it on my hand. See? It says ‘CHECK POCKETS FOR CRAB LEGS.’”
The College Football Selection Committee
“To continue to make everyone think that it took a group of hand-picked, sequestered, hyper-intelligent human beings to pick the four teams eligible for the championship playoff.”
“Get new phones.”
“I’d like the year 2015 to be pretty much exactly like the years 2001 through 2014.”