Hello, friends. I hope you’re well. I like your shirt; what does it say? Ah, that catch phrase will never get old. Larry the Cable Guy certainly is a hoot. “Git-R-Done” indeed. Where can I get a shirt just like that? What a special one that fellow is. The great creative minds truly persevere, don’t they? I enjoy these moments we spend together. I really do.
I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve come to learn that you can truly tell a lot about a person by the sports teams they follow. You may call it profiling; I call it “inference.” After all, I garnered a great deal about your love for good comedy just now by observing that t-shirt you are wearing. It’s like that with sports teams as well — often we can really get a bead on what a person’s really like by seeing where his or her sporting allegiances lie. In fact, I’ve been thinking about this so much lately that I thought I’d toss it out there for discussion today in a piece we’ll call, for lack of a better title, What Your Favorite NCAA Team Says About You. Perhaps we can all take a step back and see what can be learned just by the powers of observation. Join me, won’t you? I hope you will.
Tennessee: I have a hand-built shed full of skinned deer carcasses and a truck which will not get me out of this county.
Arkansas: I spend a lot of time reminding people of the early nineties.
Alabama: I have tickets to the Brad Paisley concert this friday.
Auburn: I am better than Alabama fans, but also will be attending the Brad Paisley concert.
Kentucky: I wear a lot of denim.
University of Miami: I’m willing to overlook the shortcomings of others if it’s for the greater good.
LSU: I’m a huge football fan. Basketball, not so much.
Wyoming: 75% of my day is spent not seeing another living human.
Wagner: I am one of the 40 people in the country who have ever heard of Wagner University.
Marshall: My first day at college was also the first time I had ever seen a building with more than one story.
Bucknell: I have a closet full of cardigans and rarely stop talking about Bon Iver.
Pepperdine: I wear a necklace made of shells, play guitar, and disappoint my parents.
Colorado: You guys want to get baked and do some night skiing?
Georgetown: I look forward to a bright future of being better than you.
George Washington: I’m currently clerking for a state representative and binge drinking four nights a week.
Kansas: I say “Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk” a lot, but have no idea what it means.
Grambling: I was the best drummer in my high school band.
North Carolina: I only drink things directly from bottles.
Long Beach State: I have a rap demo I’d like you to listen to.
Maine: I have deliveries from Land’s End and L.L. Bean waiting at my front door this very second.
Boston College: More than three of my extended family members own boats.
Boston University: I could not get into Boston College.
Cincinnati: I am concealing a knife right now.
Oral Roberts: I married the first person I ever kissed.
Duke: I once spent money to be included in the high school book of “Who’s Who.”
Ole Miss: I have dressed as a confederate soldier for a theme party or halloween on more than three occasions.
UNLV: I’ve spent more time in line at Tao Nightclub than I did in class.
Rutgers: My dad’s in construction. Don’t ask questions.
Long Island University: I know directions to every Armani Exchange outlet within 100 miles from here.
Minnesota: I’m cold.
Montana State: One or both of my parents were killed by mountain lions.