As we close in upon the start of the college football season, which inevitably will lead us into the college basketball season, today’s Need-to-Know Wednesday focuses upon something you need to know more than anything else — yourself.
Socrates once said the unexamined life is not worth living, which is why today NTKW brings you the almighty series of questions and answers by which all Kentucky fandom will one day be known. And it shall be called the official Wildcat Fan Quiz. So take a moment, get your morning coffee, test your mettle with the seven questions below — and find out just what kind of Kentucky sports fan you are.
Question 1: Kentucky’s football team is playing a mid-season game against Middle Tennessee State. The weather on this day is a constant torrential downpour, so:
a.) I put on my poncho and head out to Commonwealth Stadium. Because let’s face it, rain is part of football season — and it’s important to support the team.
b.) I stay at home. This weather is murder on my knee. Plus I’m likely to catch my death of cold out there. I’m not going to sit in the rain like some yahoo.
c.) I take a fifth of SoCo and spend the whole first half belly-sliding in the mud outside the stadium before throwing up onto the grill and passing out in the fetal position on the front step of the Gerontology Center.
d.) I use the rainy day to level up my magic skills, intermittently taking a break to check the score and IM my girlfriend, who I’ve never met face to face.
Question 2: My favorite team era of Kentucky Basketball is:
a.) The Unforgettables. You have to love a bunch of homegrown Kentucky boys who stuck with a program they love and fought as hard as they could to accomplish their boyhood hopes and dreams.
b.) Rupp’s Runts. Now those were the days. Classic players, memorable championships and minority-free basketball.
c.) Team Turmoil. Maybe they didn’t get the job done, but those guys knew how to party. Great dudes. Seriously. I had class with a couple of those dudes. They were supercool.
d.) 1994-1996. Center Mark Pope was both a scholar and an athlete, which showed me at a young age that it’s cool to be smart. And also that you can read books and basketball players will maybe still hang out with you.
Question 3: When Duke’s Christian Laettner hit his infamous shot to defeat Kentucky in 1992, I:
a.) Hung my head sadly, knowing the season was over and feeling bad for both the team and the many fans across the state whose hopes had been dashed.
b.) Told those sissies to suck it up, because I didn’t run through a hail of bullets in WWII to recover a friend’s leg so they could cry over a damn basketball game.
c.) Drank a pint of Everclear and punched my grandma in the face because she said Laettner “looked like a nice boy.”
d.) Cheered because the blue team won. Then I realized the other team won.
Question 4: When Tubby Smith won his first Championship in 1998, I:
a.) Could not have been more happy for Smith and his team and implemented a “Wear Your UK Blue” day at the insurance office I manage.
b.) Acknowledged a job well done, watched the Murder She Wrote episode my wife and I had been recording in the other room, bought a commemorative videotape down at the Kroger, and went to bed.
c.) Gave out high fives while my girlfriend totally flashed her boobs on top of the Lynagh’s sign during the celebration on Euclid. Then I fell and hit my head on a fire hydrant and knocked myself out and someone peed on me.
d.) Got together with friends to play Risk, bought a twelve-pack of Mountain Dew and got CRAZY while we watched Keith’s copy of The Last Starfighter.
Question 5: My official stance on the Jerry Bruckheimer-produced basketball film Glory Road is that I:
a.) Prefer not to watch it. Though I understand the magnitude of the accomplishments detailed in the film, I feel as if it villainizes the University of Kentucky and have no interest in supporting that portrait of the team.
b.) Think Montgomery Clift should have played Rupp. They don’t make stars like that anymore.
c.) Isn’t John Voight in that? Dude, remember him in Anaconda? That movie is so awesome. Let’s get hammered and watch Anaconda. Want to?
d.) It’s no The Last Starfighter.
Question 6: When I go to a Kentucky Wildcat Men’s Basketball game, I:
a.) Love to take my young son. I think it’s important he know how special this team is to the state in which he’s growing up.
b.) Am not going to stand up and you can’t make me. Now can someone tell me why that giant cat is wearing a basketball jersey and a hat? That’s just ridiculous.
c.) Spend most of the day doing upside-down margaritas and most of the game shirtless, telling my friends how one time I almost got a BJ from that girl three rows down. Yeah the red-haired one. No, I’m serious. I was this close but her fat friend made her leave the party.
d.) Think there should be more Last Starfighter clips integrated into the opening sequence.
Question 7: The following statement sums up my feelings for University of Kentucky Athletics:
a.) Its fan base will never die.
b.) I’m cold.
c.) Do you think I could talk Stacy into a threesome?
d.) More people should give The Last Starfighter another chance.
NOW TALLY YOUR SCORE! Award yourself points for the following answers.
a – 4 points
b – 3 points
c – 2 points
d – 1 point
IF YOU SCORED:
22-28 points – You’re the classic Kentucky fan. Die-hard and supportive with a love of the team that you hold dear.
15-21 points – I’m sorry that you will only be able to enjoy Kentucky sports for a short while longer, as you likely will be dead soon. Please elect that your season tickets be entered back into the pool to give someone else a chance.
7-14 points – You totally rock. College is the best, isn’t it? I hope we stay friends forever, man. I love you. You’re like my best friend I’ve ever had. You wanna go to Waffle House? I mean it. You guys are the best. I don’t feel good.
1-6 points – 11010110110111010110. 10101101011011011010100101101!
So there you have it, folks. How’d you do? While you’re mulling over your answers, check the following video out. And yes, before you start in on me, I realize it’s likely fake. But it’s still funny.
That is all.