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Need-to-Know Wednesday Presents SEC Mascot Profiles (Eastern Division)!

Friends,

How goes it? Doing alright? Hey, listen, I just wanted to tell you I think you’re wearing a lady shirt. No, no, don’t be embarrassed. It’s completely understandable that you didn’t realize that shirt was for women. After all, who says you have to be female to enjoy flowers and cats? Yes, I think that’s silly and unfair as well.

Onward and upward. As Matt regales you with titillating tidbits from the Sypher-Pitino trial, NTKW is ready to step in and fill the holes with its own information — namely, the second half of a two part series on our SEC mascots. Today we focus on the eastern division. Please enjoy.

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University of South Carolina

Mascot: Cocky

About the Mascot: Cocky is a controversial mascot, as it is a gruesome and sobering fact that an estimated 72% of South Carolina’s population is killed by “fighting roosters” each year, making the state one of the most dangerous in the country in which to live.

Did You Know? Cocky thinks his Ed Hardy shirts look awesome on him. He’s such a douche.

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University of Georgia

Mascot(s): Hairy Dawg

About the Mascot(s): “Hairy Dawg” is not only the name of the University of Georgia mascot, but is also the self-selected nickname for roughly one-third of the entire male population of Georgia.

Did You Know? The person who wears the Hairy Dawg mascot costume is actually a person dressed in a cat mascot costume. Isn’t that crazy? Well get this — the person in the cat costume who wears the Hairy Dawg costume is, underneath the cat costume, a person in a bird costume. Does that blow your ever-loving mind?

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The University of Kentucky

Mascot: The Wildcat, Scratch

About the Mascot: The traditional “Wildcat” mascot originated in 1967 and has entertained crowds for years. “Scratch,” who would come later, wears super-cool tennis shoes and a super-cool hat…backwards! “The Wildcat” may think he’s hot stuff, but “Scratch” is on Facebook. Does “The Wildcat” even know how to use Facebook? How about Twitter? What a square. Why don’t you go home, old man?

Did You Know? It is believed that the two mascots have, between them, sired over 300 illegitimate kittens in the Lexington-Fayette County area.

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Vanderbilt University

Mascot: Mr. C

About the Mascot The Vanderbilt mascot “Mr. Commodore” (also known as “Mr. C.”) is portrayed as a decorated naval commander from the late 1800’s, a fact which speaks highly for neither the Nashville school’s history nor geography programs of study.

Did You Know? Mr. C. will haunt your dreams. You cannot escape Mr. C.

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University of Florida

Mascot: Albert and Alberta Alligator

About the Mascot(s): Albert was purchased as a baby in Florida and brought to the midwest, where he was flushed down the toilet and grew to nearly 40 feet long in the sewers . But when Detective David Madison (Robert Forster) and reptile expert Marisa Kendall (Robin Riker) begin investigating human disappearances in the city’s underground tunnels, they find themselves thrust into a deadly battle of man vs. reptile. Directed by Lewis Teague.

Did You Know? Albert and Alberta have, despite the University’s best efforts, never mated in captivity. Except for that one time in the bathroom during that party at the Pi Delt House. They were both sooooo wasted.

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University of Tennessee

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Mascot: “Smokey”

About the Mascot: “Smokey,” the bluetick hound, was the school’s third choice as a mascot — the first three were the “Tennessee Proton-Modulated Calcium Atoms,” the “Tennessee Deduction Theorems for First-Order Logic” and the “Tennessee Winners of the Peter and Patricia Gruber International Research Award in Neuroscience.”

Did You Know? Most Tennessee fans think that the “Smokey” mascot is an actual, giant, humanized dog who wears a tuxedo, and many of them think that is the most amazing thing they’ve ever seen. Don’t tell them the truth; it would only make them sad.

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Oh, the rich background of our beloved SEC mascots! I can tell you’re enlightened. And now back to the courtroom proceedings and other tomfooleries and dalliances, friends. Until next Wednesday.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin