Hello friends. Good to see you again. How’s that rash clearing up? I told you to stop picking at it. That’s just gross. You need to go to some hospitals or something. No, you can’t get in my pool. Because I said so, that’s why. Look at you. You’re a mess.
Changing the subject; how about the Three-Ring Recruiting Circus? Is there any fan base in the world so enamored with who we might get as Cats fans? Possibly, but that I do not know who they are, so for this column we’ll pretend that we corner the market in knowing the statistics of high school basketball players from around the country.
That said, as we celebrate the arrival of silver-tongued Eric Bledsoe (it must be true, because I read it on the internet), we continue to bite our collective fingernail over the one man who we have almost singularly elevated to expectations no one on earth would want heaped upon him: John Wall. He’s the name on everyone’s lips, he’s the talk of recruiting everywhere, and he’s still making us wait. Is it to gain more press? It’s definitely a possibility, and it’s working. I’ve been culling information from the publishing world in order to bring you, today, press clippings about John Wall from around the country.
Publication: ESPN Magazine
What they’re saying: “John is perhaps the best athlete in the class. He is definitely the most athletic point guard in the class. He is the fastest guard in America from end line to end line with the ball.”
Publication: USA Today
What They’re Saying: “At 6-4, 185 pounds, he is fast with the basketball. Gifted in transition, Wall has possesses excellent court vision. He can drive to the basket and finish with a variety of moves or find the open man.”
What They’re Saying: “Rumors continue to swirl that designer Allesandro Dell’acqua has approached the top point guard recruit John Wall about unveiling his new “forehead couture” line. For the non-basketball player, these designer headbands look to become the perfect accessory this fall when matched with a dark chino, a relaxed twill shirt and earth-tone blazer.”
Publication: Bird Talk
What They’re Saying: “The red-breasted merganser, a lake dwelling diver, is particularly adept at using its speed to shake off predators, much in the same way point guard recruit John Wall uses his speed to elude defenders.”
Publication: Cigar Afficionado
What They’re Saying: “I lit up the La Escepcion, crossing it from one hand to the other, as incoming freshman point guard John Wall might light up a defender with a daring crossover attack at the hoop.”
Publication: Scientific American
What They’re Saying: “The very definition of Wall’s recruiting decision rests heavily on structure of his class 1 lever, dependent upon the location of the fulcrum in Wall’s decision, and the amount of pivot given to each school, greatly affecting the outcome of his selection.”
Publication: The Virginia Quarterly Literary Review
What They’re Saying: “As I asked Wall about his upcoming decision, his brow furrowed like the cusp and basin of a mighty canyon, and he sat wordless, lest any magnificent solution slip from his lips, his eyes saddening as he seemed to contemplate the windblown bluegrass fields of Kentucky and the elms and blooms of Chapel Hill.”
Publication: Builder and Developer Magazine
What They’re Saying: “While a mortise lock is always a great value-for-money option for quick construction and application, a more rigid surface-mount deadbolt will ultimately be a more effective choice in discouraging outsiders like point guard recruit John Wall from entering unannounced.”
Publication: El Nuevo Cojo Ilustrado
What They’re Saying: “Senor Juan Wall es muy rapido y muy bueno con bÃ¡squetbol! Sera Kentucky? Sera Duke? Idios mio!”
Publication: Cracked Magazine
What They’re Saying: “John Wall hasn’t decided where to play basketball yet? More like BLECCHsketball!“