As the globe continues to turn, and as Coach Gillispie continues to recruit more furiously than ever (the Leonard County, Montana Christian School’s Fifth Grader Basketball Tournament, anyone?), Need-to-Know Wednesday does its best to keep giving the people what they want. Never have the letters poured in more, and never has yours truly found so many things people need to know. So let’s open up the mailbag once again and answer some letters from you guys, shall we? We shall.
Dear Need-to-Know Wednesday,
A friend of mine is writing an essay on Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea for a final paper at summer school, and is having trouble pinpointing the central themes. Can you help my friend? Also, my friend is not me. It is a different person.
Your friend seems to be in a bit of a rut. Allow me to help. Written in spare, journalistic prose with minimal action and only two principle characters, the work is at once a realistic depiction of the events and locale described and a symbolic exploration of the human struggle with the natural world, the human capacity to transcend hardship, and personal triumph won from defeat. Hope this helps.
I’m the head of air traffic control for a major metropolitan airport. Flight delays are killing us, and I have several planes I need to get off the ground within the hour to make room for arrivals. Any thoughts?
If the Atlanta airport you’re referring to is Hartsfield-Jackson International, this shouldn’t be a problem. Move the construction crew spilling over into runways twelve and thirteen and redirect the waiting planes from runway three, four and seven over to those two. Then shuttle planes from nine out to fourteen, as fourteen is never utilized to its full extent. I’m sure everyone will have happy travels.
I am the housekeeper for the Chief of Police in a California suburb. I do my best, but this morning I was vacuuming and accidentally placed the hose of the vacuum into the family fish tank, sucking up all the water and fish. I think need some sort of relief. Please tell me what to do!
I’d recommend fixing this problem as soon as possible before the Chief comes home, as he may be grumpy. If he has any children (three would be ideal), enlist them to help. The pretty one can empty the vacuum cleaner, the tomboy can refill the water and the smart one can run out to the pet store for new fish. Something tells me you can do this in a half hour, so have no fear!
You are the worst writer I have ever seen. You write nothing about sports. I am going to write about you on my website. Also, you suck.
Kansas City, MO
Sorry to hear that, Harold! I think I can clear some things up by giving you a little about my history. I’ve only spoken English for nine months, having recently relocated to Kentucky from Denmark, where my family was killed in a fjord collapse. Here in the U.S., I was taken in by a master pickpocket who taught me to steal, and I use that income to employ tutors throughout the daylight hours. I think you’d agree that, given the circumstances, my writing is remarkable. Besides, would someone who “sucks” use a word like remarkable? I think not. Game. Set. Match.
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Although that does sound like a tempting deal (half-cost prescription drugs AND a nude Denise Richards), I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline. But keep my name, and get back to me when you have some good stuff on Coach’s Christine Lahti! Mrowr!
There you go, folks. Mail bag’s closed for now. Until next time, enjoy one of my favorite topics — crazy Japanese people!
That is all.