(From the editor: For those of you depending upon this column to perform certain weekly functions, please note that it is not Wednesday.)
Good to see you again. It’s been a while. How did that thing turn out? Great to hear! I always knew it would go well for you.
As many of you no doubt know, I am a top-notch, high-budget college sports recruiter. The reason I am able to say this is because I recently returned from Tampa, Florida, where I attended a symposium hosted by the great Dave Pattersquash. If you’ve heard that name before, it’s because he’s responsible for many of the great college athletic “gets” over the past twenty years. Does UCLA Water Polo Team Captain Brandon Armetto ring a bell? I thought it might.
I received a pamphlet in the mail from Mr. Pattersquash two months ago, assuring me that by visiting his workshop, I’d be granted the tools needed to recruit for any school, and any sport, in the nation. After I stole the required $45 from the KSR Compound petty cash drawer, I enrolled in Pattersquash’s workshop. And I don’t mind telling you I received some excellent information. Sitting here next to me at the desk, I have the handouts I received — and now, free of charge, I pass the savings and the information on to you. Don’t say I never gave you $45 dollars worth of stellar recruiter how-to information. Seriously. Don’t EVER say that.
But I’ll turn it over to the man himself:
Hello! Welcome to the Dave Pattersquash Expert Workshop Series: Number 52 – How to Recruit!
If you’ve already completed Expert Workshop Series 34 (Canine Grooming) and 46 (Salsa Dancing), you may notice some similarities in approach — successfully recruiting college athletes requires a steady hand, expert timing, and ascot (optional). The following information will help you follow the power point presentation today. Please use these sheets as reference points when Mr. Pattersquash instructs you.
Do’s and Don’ts
DO Look for the best player on the team.
DON’T dress provocatively during your recruiting visit.
DO introduce yourself to the athlete’s family.
DON’T talk about your recent incarceration.
DO tell the athlete that your school would be a great fit for him/her.
DON’T strike the athlete at any time.
DO offer to take the athlete on a tour of the school.
DON’T offer to take the athlete on a “mind-bending trip inside his/her head.”
The Home Visit
This is a great time to get to know the athlete’s family.
– Ask questions about them and their interests.
– Sit in your car roughly one hour, outside the house, to ensure prompt arrival.
– If asked if you’d like a drink, keep it simple. Not every household in 2008 has Capri-Sun in the pantry (crazy but true)
– Find a common ground. For example, times you’ve both had “stomach issues” — that’s universal!
– Shake hands firmly. Hugging is unncessary at this juncture.
The school visit
When taking your recruit on a visit to the school, point out locations of interest:
– Athletic complex
– 45 year-old single guy who lives off campus and has killer parties
– exact spots where people were murdered
Sealing the deal.
When making your scholarship offer to the student:
– Be someplace comfortable to the student. A local restaurant, park, or counselor’s office at the school.
– Detail the notes of your meeting, including the athlete’s response, weather outside, current programming on the major television networks, and your mood (bring a thesaurus — “glad” can mean lots of things!).
– Take the time to manufacture a construction-paper certificate, with stickers. It only takes a minute, yet means so much.
– Hugging is still unnecessary at this juncture.
So there you have it. You now know all I know. And that’s what Need-to-Know is all about. Continue your schooling below, with our friend John C. Reilly as Steve Brule, and have a great rest of the week.