Ahh, the opening weeks of a new basketball season. Exciting, no? As we suit up for a new spate of games and another run at the banner, this season seems to have an ethereal glow to it, as if it’s just going to be a little more special this time. A new coach, many new players, a new style of ball — as we march forward into a formidable season ahead, it’s important that we have the utmost faith in our boys. And as such, we must trust that our beloved coach has the team prepared. Are they ready for anything? Need-to-Know Wednesday posits the answer is “yes,” in today’s very special “Glimpse Into Tomorrow.”
The Situation: Down by nine against Indiana at the half.
The Plan: By shutting down Verdell Jones III’s passing game, a crucial flow of Hoosier action is interrupted. Striking from the three point line in the mid-second half proves fruitful as 24 of the last 40 points come from the tres. A final score of 87-73 illustrates the Cats’ comeback. News reports feature the headline: “The Cats are Prepared for Indiana!” — which is true.
The Situation: Louisville attacks heavily inside, holding us to few points in the paint
The Plan: Drive in and back out to facilitate nine- and ten-foot jumpers, alternating with fieldgoals from further outside, switching the focus away from an inside game and forcing the Cardinals to switch up their defensive plan, where we trick them and then, as their guards are down, begin driving to the basket again. Success! Newspaper headlines read: “This Team is Prepared for Everything!”
The Situation: Heavy traffic stalls the bus en route to for the South Carolina game.
The Plan: Deboard the bus and continue by bicycle north on Heidt Street. Turn left on US 21/Devine Street. Take a slight left onto Saluda Avenue, continue for 1.1 miles. Turn right on Lincoln street. Colonial Life Arena is on the left.
The Situation: Eric Bledsoe has lost his keys.
The Plan: Patrick Patterson checks the lobby, where the keys were last scene. Daniel Orton helps Bledsoe retrace his steps to the Wildcat Lodge kitchen. Perry Stevenson asks around. Darius Miller and Mark Krebs check Bledsoe’s room, where they find the keys underneath a discarded t-shirt. High fives for preparedness!
The Situation: Demarcus Cousins is selected from the audience of The Price is Right.
The Plan: Several trips to the Euclid Kroger with Ramon Harris yield a solid foundation of the suggested retail price for various consumer goods. When asked to choose whether a six pack of Extra gum costs more than a 240-count box of Bounce Island Fresh dryer sheets, Cousins correctly designates the chewing gum as costing less, which win him a 32 inch Samsung LCD television and a trip to the Showcase Showdown, where he overshoots by twenty-five cents and is ruled out of final contention.
The Situation: Two burglars attempt to break into Wildcat Lodge during Christmas.
The Plan: Josh Harrellson booby-traps the dorm by spreading marbles out over the floor, dangling cans of paint in the stairwell and lighting firecrackers in a large kettle. The burglars, through a series of hilarious fumbles and blunders, find themselves beaten and bruised as Josh sets them up to be intercepted by the police. Then the team comes back and Josh realizes that he missed them the whole time, even though he thought he wouldn’t, and he realizes what a special season Christmas is for families.
I don’t know about you guys, but I feel awfully good about this season. These boys will be ready. You can count on that. Until next week, dear readers, enjoy the following Tracy Morgan outtakes from the VH1 made-for-TV film Totally Awesome, though be warned that while the dialogue’s not exactly profane, it’s a little questionable. Give your mom a hug for me, I really need to call her — and take care of yourselves, friends.