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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Need-to-Know Wednesday Knows It’s All About Character

Hello, friends. I didn’t see you there. I was just finishing putting the honey ginger glaze on this roasted duck. Can you give me a second? Thanks. Okay. Now you have my undivided attention. I’m guessing you’re here looking for your Wednesday post, and of course I’m happy to oblige. As many of you may or may not know, I am very busy when not writing for this site — and one of my side projects, which correlates greatly to this very blog, is that of a high-powered “Style Coach” for young basketball players. You see, in this day and age it’s often not enough just to work hard and get your skills down pat. No, no. It’s 2012, friends, and it’s a whole new landscape. It’s all about personality. Why, even the most mediocre of players can vault himself head and shoulders above the others simply by employing a few “styling tips” to his basketball aesthetic which can help open the door for recruiting possibilities and a brighter future. I can remember a day not very long ago when a young man from North Carolina showed up at my office — all he could do was play basketball. I taught him a fist-pumping dance and look where that kid is now: playing for the Washington Wizards. He wrote me a very nice thank you note last week. Good kid, that one. Going places.

Yes, it’s important to realize one’s particular style — so today, and free of charge I might add, I’m going to give you guys a few complimentary tips on recreating yourselves to be the spectacular basketball players you aspire to be in a piece we’ll call Style Tips for the NCAA Basketball Player. Please feel free to use these in your own lives and careers and, as always, you’re welcome. Just send me an Edible Arrangements or something when you hit it big.

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1. Put some razzle-dazzle into your fundamentals. Sure, it’s all fine and good to “dribble” or “shoot,” but can you do it in such an explosive way that people forward your YouTube videos to one another or share them on semi-official college sports blogs? It’s great to be skilled on the dribble, but can you dribble behind your back? Around your neck? Two balls at once? When scouts see a guard dribble a basketball between his legs, it says to them “This kid doesn’t even care if he loses the ball. He’s that confident.” Make these small trademark moves your own. Why not kick a leg out when you lay one in, for instance, or try posting up with an entertaining jig? You’ll be a “Diaper Dandy” in no time.

2. Use a clothing accoutrement that sets you apart. Arm sleeves, high socks and headbands, while once considered distinctive, have run their course. Forward thinking will take you far. Consider an unusual hat, for instance, or a face tattoo. It makes you instantly recognizable to college coaches who want that kind of personality playing for them. Or go retro — bring back the Rec Specs, maybe. Just don’t go “short shorts” retro. That should never come back. Seriously.

3. Find a signature victory move. If Doron Lamb didn’t have the three goggles, he’d just be a kid who was an amazing basketball player who didn’t have a personalized hand gesture when he hit a three pointer. And that’s so boring, right? Nobody wants to see you not throw up some sort of gesture when you make an amazing shot. Next time you dunk, try throwing down a double Fonzie “thumbs up.” Or possibly a “peek-a-boo” maneuver when you block a shot to let a rejected offender know they did NOT see you coming. The possibilities are endless — pantomimed two-handed pistol shooting, moose horns — so use your creativity! This not only makes the game more interesting for the spectator, but puts you in a class all your own!

4. Get yourself a viral dance. Just look at past successes as “The Dougie,” “The Stanky Leg,” “The Soulja Boy,” “The Bernie” or “The Wobble.” A major research study recently concluded that a dancing basketball player is 67% more likeable than a basketball player who does NOT dance. So go where the stats are! Trust me, fledgling hip-hop groups want nothing more than to turn your new dance into a rap tune — it’s beneficial for both parties! So get out there and get your groove on. It doesn’t even have to be involved. A simple hand motion or innovative couple of steps coupled with a silly name like “The Dinker” or “The Jello-Knees” will turn you into a web sensation before you know it.

5.Tweet about yourself. Look, fans already know you can play basketball. They’ve seen your name listed on some sports blog, or maybe there’s a star rating attached to your name, so that’s good enough for them. Now you just have to prove you’re not a headcase. So skip all the boring “I’m visiting this school or that school,” or “I’ve narrowed my choices down to blah, blah, blah” tweets and let your future fans get to know you! After all, a personal connection to a recruit goes a long way, and a fan base wants to know you’re just like them. Foster this connection by tweeting interesting things about yourself, like so:

6. Become a media darling. Let’s face it, if you’ve employed the previous five steps, there’s probably a media outlet at your door right now, wanting to talk to you. This is a great opportunity to get yourself a catch phrase — it’ll not only become a clarion call for your team but wait until you see it on posterboard at your future college games! This is very simple, just toss a witty little bon mot in after each thing you say. Some ideas include:
-“Now that’s how I handle some business!”
-“See You in the Funny Pages, Big Chief.”
-“3-2-1 Blastoff!”
-“The End. Shut the door, Claire!”
-“COUNTRY HAM FOR E’ERBODY!”

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With these simple steps and more in my ten-DVD-collection (available in installments or for a one time fee of $127.99), you’ll be guaranteed to gain at least two stars on the recruitment of yourself or a loved one. Stop working on those skills on the court, get out of that gym and start dancing, using catchphrases and dressing interestingly today. It may just be the key to your basketball future. Happy Wednesday, everyone.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

30 Comments for Need-to-Know Wednesday Knows It’s All About Character



  1. WelcomeToTheCaliparti
    1:10 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    I can’t believe you’re the one that gave Wall that dance idea, brilliant move Tomlin.



  2. Yeah 5th!
    1:11 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    Dang



  3. Napak
    1:15 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    I’d like to see basketball players wearing hats during the games.



  4. dave
    1:19 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    scout updated their 2013 rankings



  5. Fan1
    1:21 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    What a waste of good blog space.



  6. zack
    1:32 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    #5 Are you from Little Rock?



  7. Hoss_Cat
    1:38 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    This is the dumbest post ever. What a freakin waste of time. If KSR just does this so they can constantly update the site, plz stop!



  8. Porcini's table #2
    1:44 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    Pitino did the Stanky leg once……But it wasn’t at the Yum Dum though. Wink Wink!



  9. Al's IndiCats
    1:45 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    You can it’s Humpday, every body’s a little hateful today



  10. WHAT?
    1:56 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    This was awful



  11. Ummmm...
    2:00 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    What is this? Try again.



  12. Humor Fan
    2:02 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    #5&#7…Are you serious? This is by far one of the most entertaining reads on KSR in a while! Lighten up and get a sense of humor! Come on, it’ll be fun!



  13. js
    2:06 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    Lame, lame, lame. It goes to show that not everyone should attempt to be a writer.

    and 12 … you must be related to the person who wrote this silly blog. lame.

    Did I say lame?



  14. LOL
    2:06 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    LOL Thank you Tomlin for some wit I can get wit’! PS…get a sense of humor, haters.



  15. zack
    2:19 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    5,7,10,11. SUCK A DICK, Last time i checked the internet was infinite. Go read something else.



  16. Hoss_Cat
    2:46 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    #15 you’ve already done that 4 us. I’ll pass



  17. Ummmm...
    3:20 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    #15…Really? I guess the internet is a great place for your gestures. It’s a weak post, and on the internet you have to face some criticism once in while. R U throwing up L’s too?



  18. KingRex
    3:20 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    Classic. If you don’t think this is funny then your loss. That’s “Mo Country Ham” for the rest of us! May I also offer these food-related catchphrases:
    “Better bring the biscuits, ’cause I got the JAM!”
    “NOW that’s how you butter a biscuit!”
    “I’m as hot as apple pie!”



  19. zack
    3:54 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    Oh thanks Ummmm. Im sorry guys i forgot that we had to take criticism from Ummmm. Explain to me Ummmm why it is that Tomlin should have to read your remarks and take your criticism? Think about the scope of things Ummmm, this is a UK fan blog this is not the end all be all. If you would like to be boisterous and voice your opinions on matters that are relevant then join a political blog and give your input on the tea party and foreign policy. All i am saying is Tomlin wrote a goofy post that had a picture of a guy dunking in a cowboy hat, Im almost sure that Tomlin didnt have dreams of a pullitzer prize when he was writing it. Its not that serious. How exactly am i throwing up the L’s?



  20. well done
    4:32 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    hahaha brilliant!! the haters need some more iron-y in their diet.



  21. js
    4:42 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    haters indeed



  22. Jarweed
    5:18 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    Yeah, haters, stop hatin .. So you need examples of Tomlin’s kung-fu? … 1) Razzle-Dazzle. Notice Al Purnell puts on a hat when he throws down some sausage. Huh?? … And 6)Catch Phrase? “It’s Goooood”! … Take that one to the bank! If Tomlin’s good enough to Style Coach Al, check and mate!



  23. Eh
    5:21 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    Eh. Tried to hard



  24. yes.
    8:22 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    I love this.



  25. Ummmm...
    8:52 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    you’re kind of a tool, Zach…that’s all. If tomlin puts something stupid on the web and he expects to hear both good and bad. You oughta know that, son. We’re all looking for good UK chat… and some have the opine that this post was a little weak compared to what we mostly see here. You want anybody not in your camp to get out…well, hurry back to class with all of your hate haters Zach so you can stay in school long enough to watch the cats hang up #8.



  26. Cherith Cutestory
    9:27 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    Go Cats!!!



  27. oregoncat
    11:24 pm January 25, 2012 Permalink

    Funny. But it’d be a lot funnier if it weren’t mostly true! Nice post Tomlim.



  28. wake up
    2:06 am January 26, 2012 Permalink

    Ummmmmmm, go to toastmasters you fuc#*n tool



  29. make a swish
    6:58 am January 26, 2012 Permalink

    Tomlin killin’ it, as usual. I see you



  30. zack
    8:44 am January 26, 2012 Permalink

    23. Tried to hard what? Haha…Too