As we struggle to get to the bottom of Xavier’s inner conflict and wonder about the wellbeing of our beloved Jodie Meeks in the NBA, it should also be noted that we are currently in the heat of the Television Network Draft as well. This largely unpublicized event usually takes place behind closed, giant oak doors at broad, giant oak tables in Hollywood, but as cultural attache to this very site, I feel it my honor – nay, duty – to keep you, my friends, in the loop as to what’s going on with your network programming. Having disguised myself as a scientologist/coffee barista/new age chi counselor, I’ve been able to worm my way into the back rooms of Tinseltown over the last few months to bring you news from the signings and trades you’re not hearing about in the news. Here, then, I present to you today the latest Television Draft News.
–According to Jim’s Jim Belushi is in talks with ABC’s tentpole Grey’s Anatomy to join the program as a slovenly and klumsy father to Grey’s Sandra Oh, in a deal which indirectly would send Dancing with the Stars host Tom Bergeron to Belushi’s former digs, changing the name to According to Tom Bergeron and, a source tells me, featuring a lot more dancing.
-Laurence Fishburne of CSI: Las Vegas continues to raise hell about his recent move to The Ghost Whisperer, where he is currently playing an elderly woman with a hacking cough. His demands to be traded to a “emmy-award winning show” remain unanswered by network brass.
-The mother of Law & Order’s Ice-T told me Monday night that he still hasn’t decided if he’ll sign on to play the “street-wise, no-nonsense cop” on ABC’s Extreme Home Makeover or if he’ll take his talents to Deal or No Deal. “Wherever Ice-T goes, it’ll be his decision.” Rumors continue to fly that his father, however, is pushing him toward the role of “Uncle Carl” on The Mentalist.
-Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer, both of Two and a Half Men, have reportedly worked out a deal which would send the duo to American Idol in exchange for judge Randy Jackson, prompting a name-change for CBS’ sitcom to Randy Jackson and a Half-man. Sources tell me it’s a done deal.
-Word on the street is that Wayne Brady just got back from his set visit of House, which he found “really cool, and everyone was really nice.” Should Brady sign with the doctor drama, he’ll likely fill the slot of a patient who illness prompts him to relentlessly improvise subjectively hilarious songs, a role which House brass have been seeking to fill ever since Nipsey Russell’s retirement in 2006.
-In a massive deal, the entire cast of CBS’ Criminal Minds has been traded for the entire cast of NCIS, which millions of old people will likely fail to notice in the upcoming season.
–ESPN Sportcenter’s Stuart Scott has been traded to NBC’s Days of Our Lives, as the soap is currently in dire need of someone to fill their “one-eyed ghost pirate in Salem” storyline. “We feel really good about the acquisition of Scott,” an anonymous showrunner told me, “We think the anachronism-spouting ghost of [character] Ol’ Pete will be a role Scott can really sink his teeth into.”
Before you start; yes, I know that it’s not UK news, and sorry about that. But I do like, from time to time, to keep you guys invested in what’s going on outside of our little state, and felt that sharing this information today would help better prepare you for the upcoming television season. So sue me. Until next week, friends, enjoy the following video for “Rocket Experience,” featuring Buzz Aldrin and Snoop Dogg together again: