(ed. note: KSR Radio and its affiliates are not responsible for the intense public outrage, vitriolic hatred or wasted time in the life of the readers of this column, which appears regularly each Wednesday in the early afternoon. It is the opinion of this staff that if you have precious few moments to spare, you spend them with loved ones.)
Finally, summer is here. That magical time of year where love blossoms in young hearts, the boys of summer take the diamond, The Mole returns to TV for a demographic of roughly no one, and we here at Need-to-Know Wednesday start sifting through the many invitations to summer recruiting camps we receive.
Because funds here at the Compound are limitless these days (thanks, Boone’s Butcher Shop!), I took my per diem and used it to apply to the illustrious LeBron James Skills Camp, to be held at the University of Akron. I filled out all the registration info using my pseudonym, sent it off to the powers that be (who I can only assume is LeBron James himself), and waited patiently for my reply.
Lo and behold, within the week I’d found a response packet in the mail, welcoming me aboard and assuring me I had been approved to attend. And today, I’d like to share with you some interesting tidbits from said informational packet, from a booklet entitled LeBron says What Up? Things You’ll Need to Know During Your Stay at Skills Camp. Please enjoy.
Dear John McClain,
We’re pleased to inform you that your information has been accepted for your stay at the 2008 Skills Camp. LeBron James is very excited that you’ll be joining him in his hometown of Akron for this great opportunity. He looks forward to taking you around town to all his favorite places, introducing you to some of his old high school buddies, cruising the Winn-Dixie for old time’s sake, and pointing out the things in town that are new (like that one Wendy’s).
You’ll also learn great skills from the Master himself. Skills which will propel you to the top of your recruiting class. You’ll take part in excercises in fundamentals, attend valuable talks from LeBron’s colleagues, and most of all have fun! This packet will prepare you for your camp stay, please read it carefully — and see you soon!
Besides dribbling basketballs and also shooting them, you’ll have the opportunity to sit in on special programming unique to the 2008 Skills Camp, which include:
Hosting SNL/Hosting MAD TV (selection for program based on individual skill level)
Wearing Track Pants: Acceptable for Any Occasion
Yes! You ARE better than others at your high school!
Doorways: Too Low?
When to Fist Pump
Working Around the Foreigner On Your Team
It’ll be Our Little Secret: Majoring in “Mass Communications”
Two-Star Recruit, Five-Star Human Being
The Best Time to Shoot is All the Time!
8:00-9:00 Rise and Shine
9:00-9:45 Breakfast with Keke Vandeweghe
9:45-10:30 Dribble the basketball
10:30-11:30 Arts & Crafts: Design-a-shoe!*
1:00-1:05 Meet LeBron!
1:05-3:30 Scrimmage: Good players vs. probably Division II
3:30-5:30 Juwanna Mann screening
6:30-8:00 Special Programs (see above)
10:00 Lights Out
*proposed shoe ideas become property of Nike(TM) and Nike Associates
You’ll meet new and (possibly) future teammates from all over the country during this amazing event, so get to know your new friends through get-to-know you games like “Who lost the hat?,” “Freestyle Rap Battling,” and “Egg Toss!”
With the skills you’ll learn at the 2008 LeBron James Skills Camp, you’ll be prepared for your future in college basketball, your future in professional basketball, or at the very least your future as the most popular insurance agent in the region where you attend college. LeBron can’t wait to meet you!
Looks like fun, eh? Unfortunately, I’ll never know, as my registration mentioned my homeland as being Yugoslavia, which an astute camp staff member keenly pointed out isn’t a country anymore, and I was busted. Didn’t we almost have it all? Regardless, I’ve found a way to cheer myself up in the past few days — I’ve been watching this video, which is a real delight to me and will be to you if you enjoy weathermen who enjoy jokes about jackets. Until next week, mon freres.