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Need-to-Know Wednesday is Doing a Little Market Research

Hello, Tom Selleck. Wait! You’re not Tom Selleck! That moustache is very flattering. Nice going. How long did it take you to grow that? Time well-spent, I say. Very well-groomed, a nice sheen. You’re pulling it off. Good for you, buddy.

As all of our eyes currently remain on the various polls which ensure our status at the top of the NCAA, it should be noted that another sort of polling is going on behind the scenes in the UK Athletics department to keep fans happy with goings-on both on and off the court. Marketing efforts are constantly being put in place to assess the opinions focus groups on the current status of the program and to improve things in the future on a myriad of levels. Today, we’ll look at a few of these polls in a piece we’ll call Focus Groups: UK. Don’t worry, you’re certain to hate it; and as always, I’ve take steps to ensure it will keep you from an overall contentment with your lives. Have a great Wednesday, friends.


How Happy Are You with the Wildcats at this Moment?
91% Happy
9% Unhappy About Recruiting Two Years from Now

What Do You Think of the Team’s New Uniforms?
74% Like Them
23% Dislike Them
2% They Look Like Extras from Tron
1% Every Player Looks Exactly the Same on the IMG Sports Network

What Would You Like to See More of at Halftime?
35% Jump-roping teams
16% Dance Team Numbers
13% Trampoline Slam-Dunk Troupes
10% Smart People Getting Awards
8% Unicycle balancing acts
7% Dance Team in White Pants
7% Other Sports Teams Dressed Nicely
3% We don’t need a halftime, that’s the problem with college basketball
1% Alan Cutler Bare-Knuckle Fight Club

What’s Your Favorite Cheer?
45% C-A-T-S
30% Blue/White
24% Giant Flag
1% C-T-A-S (invalid response)

What Negative Experiences Have You Had at Rupp Arena in the Past Year? (focus group member answers below)
-Too much yelling, standing
-Had to sit next to Tennessee fan
-Beaten senseless by Jay-Z’s security
-Asked to be the inside part of the letter “K” by middle-aged man claiming to be a “cheerleader”
-Back smoothing accident yielded injury
-Feral disease from hand-to-hand contact with Scratch
-Spandex suit ripped in an inconvenient place
-Painful bursitis from repeated three goggles

Have You Ever Written a Letter to a Member of a UK Coaching Staff?
59% No
30% Yes
11% (Barking Sound)

Would You Be Interested in Taking Part in a “Citizen Task Force” to Help Determine the Future of a New Arena?
93% Yes
6% No
1% Yes, and I already have my own gun

How Important Would You Say UK Basketball’s Success Is to Your Fandom?
94% Very Important
3% Somewhat Important
2% When the Wildcats aren’t successful, I am unable to adequately provide a loving environment for my children
1% I’m going to get that gun

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

33 Comments for Need-to-Know Wednesday is Doing a Little Market Research

  1. Hoosiers
    2:04 pm February 1, 2012 Permalink


  2. well done
    2:08 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    ha ha he he and ho ho!!! and awaaaaaaay we goooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. RicksAuntWithGoodEyes
    2:09 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    Bravo! Awesome post!

  4. ukbluek
    2:19 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    I just have to say that I’ve been reading your posts for a long time now and you are hilarious. Keep up the good work Mr. Tomlin. You always help to make my work day more tolerable.

  5. katmancsm
    2:19 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    HOO HOO what up? Can you say “Flash in a Pan?” Good luck in da NIT.

  6. Go Deep
    2:20 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    Uh, isn’t today Thursday….

  7. HOO HOO
    2:22 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    Hoosiers are so bad a$$, they post a full day in advance like #1. Flash in the pan? Indiana has only lost on the road with the exception of Minnesota. B1G is B1G Boy basketball unlike the half empty arenas that make up the SEC (with the exception of Rupp). UK has only played IU in a real road game and will unravel in the Sweet 16, you heard it here first.

    2:23 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    DO NOT LIKE THE UNI’S AT ALLLLLL!!! can’t read them, see numbers….SUCK!!!!


  9. Lovely
    2:28 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    PTI had a rant about how they should stop televising B1G games because they are dull. Seriously, works better than NyQuil to get me to sleep, and I’m an insomniac.

  10. Big Blue 66
    2:30 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    screwed up focus group, everyone takes a back seat at halftime to the dance team in white pants

  11. Slappy Pantz
    2:35 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    I would say having my Papa John’s pizza teabagged was a negative game experience. Can I write that in?

  12. ooooh my
    2:36 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    dance team at halftime with brass poles.

  13. REAL BLY
    2:37 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    9 how is PTI still on air?? it is turrrible!!!

  14. Al's IndiCats
    2:40 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    9, Just last Sunday they had to perform emergency surgery on my brother. With all the medication they had in the hospital they couldn’t give him enough to put him under, so they ran IU and Iowa game. Within two minutes he was out cold, and It worked so well he just woke up this morning!

  15. HOO HOO's mom
    2:40 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    I apologize again. We locked him in the closet but apparently he can get 3G working in there. I will take away his cell phone this time. And his Gobot watch, along with those ugly candy stripe plum smugglers he insists on wearing to Wal-Mart. he’s in a “special” class at school and still thinks his hoosiers are going to make it to the NCAA tourney. What can you do, he’s our kid and retarded or not we have to love him. Delusion doesn’t run in the family, so we are not really sure what happened. Big 10 bball fans tend to behave this way in general though.

  16. wilDCat
    2:43 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    Indiana has lost 5 of the last 7. Hmm.
    Indiana is under .500 in their conference. Hmm.
    Indiana may not make the tournament this year. Hmm.

  17. Chuck
    2:43 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    7- Michigan beat the Loosiers last night. You IU fans need to go back in your caves. You suck still. You will be lucky to win half your conference games. If you think IU is back, it would suck to be you.

  18. Hoo Hoo
    2:44 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    Sometimes I pick my nose and eat it.

  19. nkyukfan29
    2:45 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    I saw this yesterday! but it got removed right away. That’s why it says Wednesday instead of Thursday.

  20. HOO HOO
    2:48 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    Eloy Vargus > Cody Zeller

  21. HOO HOO
    2:50 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    Cody Zeller and I spoon……. Daily.

  22. macon_volfan
    2:57 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    didn’t I read this in an issue of National Geographic for Kids???

  23. Not Skyler McBee
    3:00 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    Haha — nice to see KSR recycles. This was posted the other day. Slow news day?

  24. Polsonfor3minutes
    3:01 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    Either this was posted yesterday or I can see KSR in the future.

  25. Tom Blevins
    3:04 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    I find it hard to believe that only 1% of Kentucky fans own a gun.

  26. HOO HOO
    3:33 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    All you Ky fans hate on Indiana but will be Peter Jurkin next year.

  27. REAL BLY
    3:35 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    25 – You’d be right! Everyone I know hunts / sport shoots….EVERYONE!

  28. JoeMoney333
    3:53 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    Fact of the Day: Indiana under Tom Crean is now 0-31 on the road vs. Big 10 teams not named Penn State

  29. HOO HOO
    4:21 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    I like Peter Jurkin on Coach Crean!

  30. HOO HOO
    4:27 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    14, IU dropped 103 on Iowa. How was that boring? Typical dumb hillbilly that is a Caaaaayts fan.

  31. knightynight
    5:18 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    11% barking was hilarious!

  32. ztrain
    5:49 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    2% if the wildcats don’t win I can’t provide a loving environment or my children is hilarious. Although I would say that applies to more than 2%… BBN!!!

  33. Hey, hay, hey
    8:44 pm February 2, 2012 Permalink

    Liked the old CATS cheer. Not the new speed cheer. It just doesn’t work.