Hello, Tom Selleck. Wait! You’re not Tom Selleck! That moustache is very flattering. Nice going. How long did it take you to grow that? Time well-spent, I say. Very well-groomed, a nice sheen. You’re pulling it off. Good for you, buddy.
As all of our eyes currently remain on the various polls which ensure our status at the top of the NCAA, it should be noted that another sort of polling is going on behind the scenes in the UK Athletics department to keep fans happy with goings-on both on and off the court. Marketing efforts are constantly being put in place to assess the opinions focus groups on the current status of the program and to improve things in the future on a myriad of levels. Today, we’ll look at a few of these polls in a piece we’ll call Focus Groups: UK. Don’t worry, you’re certain to hate it; and as always, I’ve take steps to ensure it will keep you from an overall contentment with your lives. Have a great Wednesday, friends.
How Happy Are You with the Wildcats at this Moment?
9% Unhappy About Recruiting Two Years from Now
What Do You Think of the Team’s New Uniforms?
74% Like Them
23% Dislike Them
2% They Look Like Extras from Tron
1% Every Player Looks Exactly the Same on the IMG Sports Network
What Would You Like to See More of at Halftime?
35% Jump-roping teams
16% Dance Team Numbers
13% Trampoline Slam-Dunk Troupes
10% Smart People Getting Awards
8% Unicycle balancing acts
7% Dance Team in White Pants
7% Other Sports Teams Dressed Nicely
3% We don’t need a halftime, that’s the problem with college basketball
1% Alan Cutler Bare-Knuckle Fight Club
What’s Your Favorite Cheer?
24% Giant Flag
1% C-T-A-S (invalid response)
What Negative Experiences Have You Had at Rupp Arena in the Past Year? (focus group member answers below)
-Too much yelling, standing
-Had to sit next to Tennessee fan
-Beaten senseless by Jay-Z’s security
-Asked to be the inside part of the letter “K” by middle-aged man claiming to be a “cheerleader”
-Back smoothing accident yielded injury
-Feral disease from hand-to-hand contact with Scratch
-Spandex suit ripped in an inconvenient place
-Painful bursitis from repeated three goggles
Have You Ever Written a Letter to a Member of a UK Coaching Staff?
11% (Barking Sound)
Would You Be Interested in Taking Part in a “Citizen Task Force” to Help Determine the Future of a New Arena?
1% Yes, and I already have my own gun
How Important Would You Say UK Basketball’s Success Is to Your Fandom?
94% Very Important
3% Somewhat Important
2% When the Wildcats aren’t successful, I am unable to adequately provide a loving environment for my children
1% I’m going to get that gun