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Need-to-Know Wednesday is CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

Boo! Did I scare you? I’m sure I probably did, but if you can pull yourselves together for another moment or two, old Tomlin has a few things to share.

As you all know, Halloween is next week. The time where children trick-or-treat, black cats yowl on fences in the moonlight, regular girls dress up like slutty girls, slutty girls dress like sluttier versions of regular halloween standards (Slutty California Raisin, anyone?) and everyone gathers around to watch Eddie Murphy’s The Haunted Mansion — or maybe that’s just me.

Now, as your public service this week, I realize that a lot of you, in the next few days, are going to be called upon to share spooky stories of your own. And I realize that can be a lot of pressure, especially if you don’t know any scary stories of your own. So for your benefit, I’ve provided here some basic elements for you to construct your own frightening tales around, should you be requested to deliver some thrills and chills. So without further hesitation, I bring to you Need-to-Know Wednesday’s Sure-Fire Spooky Halloween Templates. Just take these, fill in your own details, and voila — everyone’s terrified!

1. The Ringing Telephone
A young teenager is home babysitting when the phone rings. A spooky voice on the other end of the line drawls “I’m coming for you.” She thinks very little of it, but the phone rings again and again the spooky voice imparts “There is no escape.” The girl begins to get scared as the phone rings again. “You will join us,” the scary voice says. There’s a knock on the door. The girl opens and screams as WLEX covers her in True Blue buttons and bumper stickers!

2. The Haunted Football Stadium
Andre Woodson is having the game of his life when he gets his hand cut off by something. During halftime, doctors sew a new hand on him. When he returns to the field, his hand has a mind of its own — throwing everywhere, missing targets. Finally, as Woodson stands on the sidelines distraught, an old man comes up to him and tells him the terrifying truth — his new hand once belonged to JIMMY CLAUSSEN!

3. The Crazy Killer
A former basketball coaching assistant is alone at Wildcat Lodge on a stormy night when a security guard raps at the door. “There’s a masked killer coming!” the guard says. “You’ve got to get all the good basketball players out of here!” But the coaching assistant is unable to get any of the good players to follow him — because that assistant is Reggie Hanson!

4. The Hook
Ramel Bradley and his girlfriend are necking on Lovers’ Lane when they hear over the radio that an escaped convict with a hook for a hand is on the loose. Suddenly they hear a hook scratching at the door handle. They look out the window and Billy Packer is talking about the ACC!

5. The Scary Legend
Legend has it that when the men’s basketball team turns the lights down really low, and chants “Kentucky Basketball” three times slowly, Gimel Martinez appears in the mirror and sings “Simply the Best!

6. A Twist in Time
A doomed man is forced to live the same time over and over again. That man is Shagari Alleyne and that time is his sophomore year of college!

Whew…Leave the lights on tonight, folks! And just in case you’re not sufficiently spooked by these terrifying tales, see the below video for some real creepiness — a training video from Chuck E. Cheese.

Until next week.

That is all.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin