Great to see you. How was your week? Did you have a good Fourth of July? Oh. I see. Well, that happens. You have to be careful with fireworks. But really, how often do you need to make the A-OK sign? You’ll hardly miss it. You can still do the thumbs-up signal, and it means the same thing.
As many of you know, this past week saw quite the exciting hubbub as celebrity gossip site TMZ reported — presumably falsely — that the NCAA was “aggressively looking” into the University of Kentucky’s possible involvement with professional agents.
While, of course, this has sense been widely believed to be hogwash, it nonetheless besmirches our own good name. In fact, by the time you probably actually read this TMZ story, it had already been amended from its original version, which many would agree was far more inaccurate in terms of slanderous allegations toward the University. TMZ took that version down, but not before the damage had already been done, and not before the university had already fired off a cease-and-desist letter to the incindiary website demanding that they retract or clarify certain statements.
Because I am an incredibly famous and talented journalist, I have tremendous means by which to gather information which may be unattainable to others. And as such, I was able to obtain a copy of the very letter sent by the University of Kentucky to TMZ before the story was amended to the one you saw Friday morning. Please note that this letter refers to content in the original piece, which has since been taken off the TMZ website.
July 2, 2010
From:The University of Kentucky
To: Harvey Levin, editor, TMZ.com
This memo is to inform you of incorrect information in your TMZ piece concerning the University of Kentucky on July 2, 2010. We demand under threat of lawsuit that the following changes or retractions be made to said piece immediately.
1. There is no evidence that the NCAA is investigating the University in any way.
2. Please remove any inference to malfeasances by the University of Kentucky athletic program, as said inferences are unfounded.
3. Former University of Kentucky basketball player DeMarcus Cousins has not been officially contacted concerning nor is officially considering the role of the DC Comics superhero “The Red Tornado” in an upcoming screen adaptation of the popular comic book.
4. Assistant Coach Orlando Antigua’s upcoming CD of jazz fusion soul ballads “Hot Orlando Nights” will be in stores on July 19th, not – as you mistakenly printed – July 21st.
5. Junior Josh Harrelson is not currently dating Jennifer Aniston. The two simply maintain that they are “close friends” after starring together in Universal’s upcoming basketball themed romantic comedy Heart-Tending.
6. There is absolutely no proof asserting that former UK great Ed Davender was involved in an altercation on the set of Gossip Girl.
7. Please remove all references to “chillaxing.”
8. Kyle Macy is no longer “feuding” with Fergie. The two have settled their differences and look forward to collaborating on an album in the fall.
9. NCAA Championship coach Joe B. Hall has not ever “canoodled,” nor does he intend to.
10. Jamaal Magloire is merely filling in as a temporary co-host for the syndicated The View while Joy Behar is away on vacation. He will not, as you reported, be taking the position full-time.
We appreciate your immediate attention to these details.
The University of Kentucky Legal Staff
Whew! I think we can all agree that we really dodged a bullet there. The wealth of misinformation which could have been floating about is staggering, and we should all be thankful that things were taken care of before they could get out of hand. Those yellow journalists can’t put one over on us. No sir. As always, friends, enjoy the rest of your Wednesday and I’ll join you again next week.