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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Need-to-Know Wednesday has Recruiting News!

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Friends,

How are you? Yes, I’m quite aware you were at the UK-UL game this past Saturday. Yes, you wrote your name on my car. In pee. It’s okay, I was excited as well, and I forgive you. I hope it wasn’t indicative of a greater disapproval of me in some way. Regardless, go Cats!

Not only is the football team heating up (I love this time of year because we can, with aplomb, use this term definitively at this given moment) but the machinations continue to take place which will grind and grate and crank out our eventual basketball team. Surely there is no other area as fascinated by recruiting news as the Big Blue Nation, and we hang on every tiny tip with great nail-biting.

That said, Need-to-Know Wednesday is proud to present to you HOT RECRUITING NEWS from the past week. Please bear in mind that said news is prone to change at will and very well could but as of today, at noon on the eighth day of September in the year of our Lord two-thousand-and-eleven, the following HOT RECRUITING NEWS is as current as ever, and should be read immediately. Again, it is HOT RECRUITING NEWS.

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Talked with Gordon Hinden Jr.’s coach today, who tells me that Hinden is torn right now and has made some changes to his narrowed-down list, replacing Illinois with North Carolina, adding Michigan and Ohio State but removing Florida and Georgetown, taking Keller School of Management off the list but seemingly still interested in Penn State University Kensington Campus and University of Phoenix.

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A sick new video of LaRice Haskle has appeared on YouTube, which offer nine or ten completely astounding dunks that you will never see in him perform outside of his high school gymnasium and recruiting process and in his actual college career.

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J.W. Sulkinbarts reportedly received an in-home visit from Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim. According to sources, the two “really enjoyed” their day together at Six Flags Great America, though the NCAA is currently investigating the validity of claims that Boeheim presented the young guard with a giant Garfield doll won for him in the peach basket toss.

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Kory Beege and Harvis Yonderoo continue to look like a package deal. Beege is said to be making his decision by October, which he will announce by banner flown from an airplane. Yonderoo is expected to follow suit by making his choice via Jumbotron at the Tampa Bay Buccaneers game versus the St. Louis Rams on October 24 at Raymond James Stadium.

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Austrian phenom Zando Goom may be sidelined for his freshman year after an injury Saturday left him with a broken ear. Couple this with the fact that the Austrian Basketball Commission is currently not returning calls regarding several illegal streusels allegedly given free of charge to Goom by Austrian dining chain Dër Pâtisserie during his recruitment and we may not see Goom playing at Kentucky anytime soon.

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Holy Cross of the Virgin Mother played on television last night, in which we finally got to see 6’8 forward recruit Alonso Potes play. Potes put twenty-two points on the board in the second half and a big splash on North Carolina recruit Wilton Grabbs, which prompted the lights to suddenly dim when Potes’ masked arch-rival The Atomic Bomb came from the locker room and grabbed the mike, challenging Potes on the spot to a thumbtack match. Potes responded with a bronco buster and finished him off with a double axe handle. Kid is a beast and I hope we get him.

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Point guard recruit Jamaal Francisco Perkins continues to befuddle the masses, having already committed and de-committed to Duke, NC State and Iowa, picked a roommate at Penn State, purchased a lunch-and-dinner-only meal plan at Maryland, joined the Baptist Student Union at Kansas, worn a Toronto Blue Jays cap, registered for classes at BYU and allegedly talked to friends about “how much fun they’re totally going to have” at Oklahoma.

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Sources tell me that guard prospect Vernon Favis-Sanders may make his decision on Thursday, which he is expected to tweet before updating his Facebook status to the announcement. He will then, reportedly proclaim his choice on Friendster, likely after alerting his MySpace and Foursquare followers, who will once again retweet Favis-Sander’s decision to Twitter where followers will pick up the news and break it on BuddyChat and FaceFun before he zooms the decision on PeopleZoom and toots it on InfoToot, which will also be simultaneously pinged by PalPing, the latter linking images of the announcement to YouTube, Vimeo, PersonVid. MotionPop, Photobucket, PictureHole, Snapfish, EyeSpider and PeepCamel. If all goes well, this should all happen in about forty-five seconds (if PeopleZoom isn’t running slowly) and we will have Favis-Sander’s decision here as soon as events warrant. Stay tuned.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin