As you know, this Friday is Christmas. And, as you may also know, I am a world famous Santa Claus impersonator. In fact, I recently won first place in a very high-profile, international Santa Claus Competition, held in Bern, Switzerland and involving a footrace, chili cook-off and bare-knuckle street-rules battle royale. But ultimately my beard was deemed the best.
As such a convincing Santa, you can imagine I get letters from all over the world. Many of these are from children, or weirdos, but a select few are from famous figures. I normally keep these to myself, but thought that since it’s the holiday season, I’d share a few with you today. Because let’s face it, it’s Wednesday the 23rd, which means you’re pretty much worthless at work. So while you bide your time, check out some of the following letters to Santa.
By the time you read this, I may not be at the same address. But please bring me the same thing you brought last year: 3,500 peach cobblers. Just leave them at the South Bend post office with my name on them. Thanks Santa.
I would like two cans of Redken flexible volumizing spray, a bottle of Color Extend Shampoo and case of Redken Mint Rush Body Wash. Also an acoustic guitar, some new flip flops and the latest Jason Mraz CD.
Don’t’ go to Jimmy’s house. Come to my house instead. If you don’t, I’ll tell people the truth about you.
This year, I’d like
That stripper in Toronto
The chick from Underworld
Remember all those things I asked for over the past few years? I lost about fifteen of them. Can I have some more? Also, please don’t deliver to my house.
There you go. a little something light to send you on your holiday; I’ll let you all get back to not voting for me for the favorite blogger. But since this is the time of year to get all schmaltzy, I suppose I should tell you that it’s always a gift, each year, for us to bring this ridiculousness and inanity into your homes, offices and eyeballs each day, and we appreciate you the readers more than we likely let on. So, yeah. There’s that. Now get out there and enjoy the holiday, and make it a great one.