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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Need-to-Know Wednesday Cleans Out the Mailbag!

Why, hello there you! It’s you, you crazy guy, or gal! I hope you’ve been well since we last chatted. How is that thing going for you? Did you go to that get-together you’d talked about? How is that person you know? We have so much catching up to do. Would you like to meet at that place you like so much later? Text me and let me know. I may or not have time to do that.

Enough of the pleasantries — we have a pile of stuff to address today. As you know, we receive a lot of mail at the KSR Compound. Some of this is junk mail, of course, which we throw away. Some of it includes valuable coupons to Kohl’s or Bed Bath & Beyond, which we stockpile and barter for goods and services around town. This, incidentally, is why we all have fantastic tans. A great deal of our mail, however, consists of letters from you, the KSR readers. Normally, we use these missives to add names and addresses to an ever-growing database which we sell to the American Association for Phantom Limb Awareness. But occasionally, we do like to respond. And when things get too backed up, we from time to time like to use this forum to knock a few out and get on with our lives. That task generally falls upon the heads of the Need-to-Know Wednesday staff, which is why today we’d like to take some time to answer your reader mail. So let’s do just that, shall we?

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Dear KSR,
I recently attended Midnight Madness and now I’m very confused. When the event started, I assumed that it must be midnight, and updated my wristwatch accordingly. Since then, I have been four hours early for every appointment. I go to sleep at six o’clock each evening, which I assume to be ten o’clock, and I wake up at two o’clock in the morning, which I believe is six o’clock. I eat breakfast in the middle of the night and dinner in the middle of the day. What’s happening to me?
All the Best,
Keith in Beattyville

Dear Keith,
Thanks for the letter. This confusion is not uncommon. Midnight Madness doesn’t actually begin at midnight. Just set your watch ahead four hours and things should return to normal. Best of luck.
KSR

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Dear Editors:
The University of Kentucky Wildcats are my favorite team. I would like to play for this team some day. Also, I am a 52 year-old carpet salesman. Any advice?
Gary L.

Dear Gary,
I’m pretty sure you need to be enrolled in the university, at least for eligibility. However, Matt Jones knows Coach Cal; I’ll see if he can pull any strings. We’ll get back to you on that.
KSR

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Dear KSR,
I love nicknames. I hate real names. They’re too long for me to say, and I have things to do. I know that several of the players on this year’s team have nicknames (“Beans,” Yogi and Boo-Boo,” “Jorts”). Are there any other nicknames of which we should be aware? I could easily cut thirty-five seconds off my day if I didn’t need to use clunky last names.
Thanks,
Magic Steve

Dear Steve,
That’s a great question. You may also know that Demarcus Cousins also sometimes goes by “Big Cuz,” and John Wall has been called “The Great Wall” in the past. Other nicknames you may not be aware of include Rod Strickland (“Lightning Rod”), Tony Delk (“Polyphonic Ringtone” ), Orlando Antigua (“Tubby Antigua”) and John Robic (“Monsieur Emile Beaumanoir”).
KSR

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Dear Sirs:
How do you talk to an angel? How do you hold her close to where you are? How do you talk to an angel? It’s like trying to catch a falling star.
Sincerely,
The Heights

Dear Heights,
We’re not sure what kind of answer you’re looking for here. Your questions all seem somewhat rhetorical, though very poetic. Thanks for writing.
KSR

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Dear KSR,
Hey, what’s up guys? We’ve been checking out some tape on UK, and you know, we’ve been looking at our schedule and we’re not sure Friday works so well for us. We’ve got this thing, you know, family stuff. You understand. Anyway, we’ll maybe call you when we’re free. Maybe we can do this thing some other time. Take it easy!
All the Best,
Clarion University

Dear Clarion,
Oh, we’re doing this. See you Friday.
KSR

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Dear Valued Customer:
This is your final notice to renew your subscription to “Big Butts” at a discounted cover price of $1.99 per issue! Call or mail the enclosed card back today to take advantage of this fabulous deal and continue to enjoy Big Butts until 2011.
Sincerely,
The LaFontaine Magazine Group

Dear Mr. LaFontaine,
I have forwarded your information on to the appropriate party, and Bryan the Intern will undoubtedly be back in touch with you on this matter shortly. I know he will not want to miss an issue. Thank you for the great deal.
KSR

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There we go. Glad to get some of those responses out there. Keep the mail coming, folks. And until next time, enjoy the following video of a drunk Ewok humping Al Roker’s leg. You’re welcome.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin