As many of you who normally read NTKW know, we get lots of letters. And I’m sorry, but although KSR Laboratories are currently working on the technology to give you “ten minutes of your life back,” we can in the meantime make it up to you by doing our best to answer the various and sundry questions brought by the viewing public. Which we like to do. So without further adieu, hows about we open up the ol’ mailbag and see what’s shakin’ in the world — and how NTKW can help.
I’m currently a freshman at a large college. I’ve never lived away from home before and am anxious about doing my own laundry for the first time. Any tips?
Great question. I know it can be a little intimidating, and let’s face it — you’re not going to making a good impression on the ladies if all your whites are suddenly pink. Remember to read labels carefully, wash your cottons in cool water on a gentle cycle, and tumble dry your knitwear to avoid shrinking. If you follow these simple rules, you should be fine. I have faith in you, Brad!
I’m on a trip to Egypt and have found myself in the jaws of a crocodile. I barely had time to write this letter (please ignore the poor script), but I feel I have precious little time before the beast’s mighty jaws sever my torso completely. Your help would be greatly appreciated.
Somewhere in the Nile River Basin
Yikes! That sounds like a pickle! You likely have only moments before the croc will attempt its death roll, which will drag you to the bottom of the river and hold you until you succumb to drowning. In the meantime, you should go for the eyes or nostrils in an attempt to surprise your captor. If this doesn’t help, the croc has a palatal valve, located in the back of its mouth, which prevents water from flowing into its throat when submerged. If you can pry this open, the animal should loosen its grip, allowing you escape. Best of luck, buddy!
Let me take of all your cloooothes. Disconnect the phone so nobody knoooowws. Let me light a candle so we can make it better. Makin’ love until we drown.
You’re not fooling anyone, Color Me Badd. And allow me to remind you that the restraining order prevents you from any physical or written contact with me. I suggest you stop threatening me or the authorities will be involved.
DEar NeeD-tO-Know WEDnesday,
If YoU evEr wAnT TO seE youR soN alIVE agAin bRing 25,000 to the PaY phoNE on DEck STREet and 5 AvenUE No COPs
You’re bluffing. How do I even know he’s still alive?
The following is an automated account of your sewer and water usage for the period beginning 7/23/07 and ending 8/22/07:
Dear Water Company,
Enclosed you will find payment in full for August. Thanks for your services.
Dear Mr. Vernon,
We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it is that we did wrong. But we think you’re crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal.
Does that answer your question?
The Breakfast Club
Dear Breakfast Club,
I think you have the wrong address. But I’ll see that your mail is forwarded. This seems like an important catharsis for all of you and I’d hate for it to be lost.
Come inside take off your coat I’ll make you feel at home. Now let’s pour a glass of wine cuz now we’re all alone. I’ve been waiting all night so just let me hold you close to me. Cuz I’ve been dying for you girl to make love to me.
This has gone far enough. The police have been notified and are on their way. You won’t control me anymore.
Whew! I’m exhausted from reading all that very important mail, aren’t you? Though I must admit, I do enjoy our time together each Wednesday. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’ll be spending the weekend shooting craps in beautiful, perfect Vegas, so send me good vibes, everyone. All I know is that if I do well, then hey, there might be new fur coats in it for all of you. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
So until next week, dear readers, enjoy the following incredibly odd infomercial moments…
Let’s start with one that I’ve watched a million times, and never get tired of it. A classic.
Here, “Dual Action Cleanse” entrepreneur Klee Irwin opts to demonstrate his message using inappropriate metaphors…
Surely someone knew what they were doing when they named this thing…turn the kids away, this bear’s not for them.