Hello, friends. Nice to see you. I’m glad to see you committed to the Kentucky football team. Oh, you didn’t? My bad, I thought everyone was doing that these days. I’ve seen, you know, a bunch of names. I thought yours was one of them. Sorry. Yahtzee, am I right? Friends, as our very own Mrs. Tyler Thompson shared with us earlier this week from the UK Women’s Clinic, Kentucky safeties and special teams’ coach Bradley Dale Peveto has dubbed this 2013 special teams crew the “Krazy Cats.” That’s right, with a “K.” And friends, I don’t have to tell you that a “k” in “krazy” means one of two things: either a.) you are not going to believe the prices in this Memorial Day carpet sale or b.) some krazy stuff’s about to go down with something.
But let’s face facts for a moment. Can Peveto just call these guys “krazy” before they’ve seen any action? What’s so “krazy” about them? To give one’s selves a name like the “Krazy Cats” poses a conundrum in that when you call yourself “krazy” you have to then live up to that. People called Pete Maravich “The Pistol” because of his marksmanship and off-the-hip shooting style. They called Joe Jackson “Shoeless Joe” because he once removed his cleats before an at-bat. They called the early eighties Houston Cougars “Phi Slama Jama” not only because they were great basketball players but because they had the gumption to apply for a fraternity charter even though two of the three parts of their name were not even real Greek alphabet letters! Yes, it’s important to live up to one’s nickname. Can the Krazy Cats do it? Let’s look forward to what this season holds, shall we?
Date: September 7
The Play: In the second half, Punter Landon Foster receives the snap and — with the Redhawks looking downfield for the kick — runs the ball to gain fourteen yards and secure the first down, saving the possession and bringing the Cats closer to a game winning touchdown in the final minutes.
Krazy Factor: 2.7
Date: September 28
The Play: An opening kickoff return sees an 83-yard rush back for a touchdown against the Gators. After the game everyone on special teams is wearing Hawaiian shirts — even though Hawaii is thousands of miles away!
Krazy Factor: 3.1
Date: October 5
Vs.: South Carolina
The Play: As the final seconds of the first half tick off the clock, the Krazy Cats receive a punt from the Gamecocks and use two specially-designed backward passes to elude Spurrier’s players and score with no time left, bringing the Cats up seven at the half. Then they call their ex-girlfriends, who aren’t home, so they go to their ex-girlfriends’ apartments and wait outside across the street in their cars to see if there’s a new man. They stay there all night, constantly calling and texting their ex-girlfriends, begging them to respond and telling them they love them.
Krazy Factor: 4.6
Date: October 24
Vs.: Mississippi State
The Play: Kicker Joe Mansour directly receives the snap and rockets a pass into the endzone for a touchdown. Post-game, the special teams squad is subject to a multidisciplinary psychiatric assessment which evaluates risk and behavior based upon the Million Clinical Multiaxial Inventory. It is recommended by an appointed board that the Krazy Cats spend several months of rigorous testing and therapy at a rehabilitation facility until which point they are deemed fit to be released into society again.
Krazy Factor: 7
Date: November 2
Vs.: Alabama State
The Play: The Krazy Cats are paired with soon-to-be-retired cop Roger Murtaugh for what seems like a standard suicide case — but soon discover it to be the work of the underground Shadow Company, who kidnap Murtaugh’s daughter. After a standoff at El Mirage Lake, Murtaugh and the Krazy Cats are tortured for information before escaping and losing the heroine shipment in a box of detonated hand grenades. Back at Murtaugh’s house the Krazy Cats protect Murtaugh’s family and take on Gary Busey in hand-to-hand combat. When Busey overpowers two LAPD officers and draws a gun on the Krazy Cats, Murtaugh and the Krazy Cats fire on him and kill him.
Krazy Factor: 8.6
Date: November 23
The Play: The Krazy Cats agree to watch over the Overlook Hotel during its closed winter season, thinking it might be a great time to get that novel finished. The isolation and quiet of the abandoned hotel soon begins to get to the safeties team and they begin chasing their teammates through a hedge maze with an axe. We’ll never know what made them so Krazy; maybe the hotel was haunted. Also, four flea-flicker passes and a triple reverse!
Krazy Factor: 10