Let’s Have a Real-Life SEC Mascot Battle, Everybody!
Hello, friends. How are you? Enjoying these quiet summer days before football and basketball? It’s certainly difficult to find anything to whet one’s whistle this hot, quiet time of year. And if you’re anything like me, when there’s no UK to watch, the mind flees to other areas — such as who would win a battle of real-life animals based on SEC mascots. Oh, don’t tell me I’m the only one. Good thing for all of you that I happen to be an expert on animals. And science. So let’s do that today, shall we? Don’t worry! I’m sure you’ll think it’s garbage. Or it may bring you a few minutes closer to Big Blue Madness. So let’s do this damn thing, shall we? We shall indeed. FIGHT!
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LSU
Mascot: Tiger
The Dossier: Our first contender is a tiger, specifically a Bengal tiger. The last “Mike the Tiger” was a Bengali-Indochinese Tiger, but the current Mike (Mike VI) is a Bengali-Siberian hybrid. Obviously we can assume Mike, or any Bengal tiger, is going to make quick work of the birds, dogs and smaller cats in our competition. He could probably take an alligator (seen here). One might assume Mike’s biggest trouble is going to be with an elephant (Alabama), but as we see in this video, that’s really not a problem.
Defeats: Elephant, Bulldog, War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Gator, Rebel, Bluetick Coonhound, Collie
Defeated by: Other Tiger (possibly), Commodore
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Missouri
Mascot: Tiger
The Dossier: See LSU. Missouri’s Tiger is affectionately known as Truman. Might be an underdog as at any given time may or may not be totally high. Advantage LSU. All projections below are based upon Truman battling with full control of his faculties. If stoned: bets are off.
Defeats: Elephant, Bulldog, War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Gator, Rebel, Bluetick Coonhound, Collie
Defeated by: Other Tiger (possibly), Commodore
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South Carolina
Mascot: Gamecock
The Dossier: South Carolinians are going to try to sell this thing as the most ferocious fighting rooster around. Still a rooster, sorry. The gamecock is food for any animal on this list. Might take a the Bluetick Coonhound on a good day, maybe a sick collie, but chances are this chicken is fried.
Defeats: Bluetick Coonhound (possibly)
Defeated by: Tiger, Elephant, Bulldog, War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gator, Rebel, Commodore, Collie
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Florida
Mascot: Alligator
The Dossier: The Gator is a formidable opponent. It could easily fell most competitors on the list save the tiger, possibly, and a well-armed Commodore. Might take a baby elephant but a full-grown pachyderm is gonna just be too heavy for a gator to take down, as seen here. All cats, dogs and birds are toast, however.
Defeats: Bulldog, War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Rebel, Collie, Bluetick Coonhound
Defeated by: Commodore, Elephant, Tiger
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Kentucky
Mascot: Wildcat
The Dossier: Look, I love UK, and so do you, but let’s call a spade a spade — a wildcat is really just a wild cat. In the wild, it may be bacteria-ridden enough to cause a slow death for a coonhound or collie, and it might take a gamecock. I hate to break it to you, but the most impressive thing this cat can do that other competitors on this list can’t is dunk a basketball (and even that’s not totally legit).
Defeats: Gamecock, Bluetick Coonhound, Collie (?)
Defeated by: Commodore, Rebel, War Eagle, Bulldog, Elephant, Tiger, Alligator
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Tennessee
Mascot: Bluetick Coonhound
The Dossier: “Smokey,” as the Volunteer mascot is affectionately known, is awfully cute but awfully vulnerable to attacks from above (eagle), from thick brush (alligator), from a boat (Commodore), and pretty much everywhere else. Even a prissy collie is larger. We’ll give him the gamecock (possibly, see above), but that’s it. Kids, Smokey’s going to live on a farm far away where he’ll have plenty of room to run. Wink.
Defeats: Gamecock (possibly)
Defeated by: Tiger, Elephant, Bulldog, War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Gator, Rebel, Commodore, Collie
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Georgia & Mississippi State
Mascots: Bulldogs
The Dossier: Let’s loop these two together, because they’re essentially the same. Look, I’ll break it down to you like this: if you saw two human beings fighting and one was wearing a fashionable sweater and one was wearing a studded collar and leather, who would you presume might win? Yeah, me too. Sorry, Uga.
Defeats: Gamecock, Wildcat, Bluetick Coonhound
Defeated by: Tiger, Elephant, Bulldog, War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Gator, Rebel, Commodore, Collie
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Arkansas
Mascot: Razorback
The Dossier: If you want to get really amped up about Razorbacks, check out this trailer for the Australian film Razorback or read this terrifying e-book about one. But if you want the truth, here in the States razorbacks are really just feral pigs; in the wild they’re more or less like nature’s candy, and a lot of larger things eat them They can attack and kill a dog, however, so we’ll give them the dogs and smaller birds here, sheerly on size.
Defeats: Bluetick Coonhound, Collie, War Eagle, Wildcat, Gamecock
Defeated by: Rebel, Commodore, Tiger, Elephant, Gator
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Auburn
Mascot: War Eagle
The Dossier: Here’s the deal; a “War Eagle” is really just a golden eagle, and golden eagles mainly just eat rodents and that kind of thing. However, here’s a video of a golden eagle flying away with a lamb , and I’m gonna guess by the size of that lamb that we can give it a bluetick coonhound and a wildcat just on technicality. Otherwise, it’s not going to do a lot of damage in the long run.
Defeats: Gamecock, Bluetick Coonhound, Wildcat
Defeated by: Alligator, Elephant, Razorback, Rebel, Commodore, Gator, Bulldog, Tiger
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Texas A&M
Mascot: Collie
The Dossier: Yeah, I know. On paper it’s an Aggie. But in reality the mascot Texas A&M has at every game is a fancy collie named Reveille. It’s pretty, but this isn’t a beauty competition; it’s a fight to the death. And the fact that Texas A&M is already on Reveille VIII since 1931 means these guys are fairly perishable.
Defeats: Gamecock, Wildcat, War Eagle
Defeated by: Alligator, Elephant, Razorback, Rebel, Commodore, Gator, Bulldog, Bluetick Coonhound, Tiger
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Ole Miss
Mascot: “Colonel Reb”
The Dossier: Look at this guy. I mean, just look at him. Total douche. I mean, if you knew this guy, you’d probably pray that he did get eaten by an alligator or a tiger. He’s too big, just physically, to be taken down by a dog or a bird, probably, and simply because he’s human he gets a lot of leadway here. He has a cane, which is also something to fight with. But he’s also wearing a cape. Again, douche.
Defeats: Gamecock, War Eagle, Coonhound, Wildcat, Bulldog, Collie
Defeated by: Elephant, Alligator, Tiger, Razorback, Commodore
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Alabama
Mascot: Elephant
The Dossier: Gonna be tough not to put Big Al near the top, as the elephant is quite simply one of the wild’s great giants. A tiger’s going to prove too tough, but we’ve already seen that an alligator can’t take it down. It flattens (most of ) the competition.
Defeats: Gamecock, War Eagle, Coonhound, Wildcat, Bulldog, Collie, Alligator, Razorback, Rebel
Defeated by: Tiger, Commodore
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Vanderbilt
Mascot: Commodore
The Dossier: Normally it would be a safe bet that “Mr. C,” the Vanderbilt Commodore, would be easy prey for the larger and more wild of our mascot competitors, possibly even defeatable by wildcat, coonhound or collie (if particularly riled). But Mr. C, given his official illustration, has been granted not only a sword, but a cannon. A cannon! That’s a ringer, folks. I think we can all agree that’s nearly impossible to beat. And probably a little unfair.
Defeats: Tiger, Elephant, Bulldog, War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Gator, Rebel, Bluetick Coonhound, Collie
Defeated By: Without cannon/sword – Tiger, Elephant, Bulldog, War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Gator, Rebel, Bluetick Coonhound, Collie. With cannon/sword – Nothing.
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WINNER: It would seem true that man is “the most dangerous game.” Especially if that man is a decorated maritime officer with a sword and a giant cannon pointed right at you. Kudos, Vanderbilt. Thanks to the lofty embellishments of an illustrator, a boating hippie just became the ultimate instrument of real-life mascot destruction. Your move, LSU. Add a jetpack and a laser eye onto Mike the Tiger and it’s a whole different ballgame. Just food for thought. Back to your Thursday, everyone!
85 Comments for Let’s Have a Real-Life SEC Mascot Battle, Everybody!
UK could have the name – The Kentucky Bobcats. Wildcats are bobcats. Genus is lynx.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lynx
So, better odds against the bulldogs.
Auburn’s mascot is definitely not a “War Eagle”, that’s the battle cry. The mascot is Aubie the tiger.
So, you have the Gamecock defeating the Gamecock? Or is the Gamecock being beat by the Gamecock?
Honestly, I think the Commodore wouldn’t lose even without a cannon or sword. I mean humans adapt and survive to whatever surroundings are available. Just say this was taking place in the woods the Commodore didn’t have anything to work with. Somehow he could make a weapon out of stone or wood. This is a far to deep explanation for this topic lol, but i felt the need to share my opinion.
That was actually a crocodile in the video you linked below the gator. Not that it mattered as the elephant kicked its ass.
#3, you’re right, but they do have a golden eagle they employ at football games from time to time. I opted with the War Eagle because there are just too many tigers in the SEC.
I also don’t think a collie or eagle could beat a wildcat.
Wildcats definitely are just “wild cats” who use mouth bacteria to defend themselves.
Go stick your hand in a wildcat/bobcat cage… Tell me how it works out for ya
5, it’s like the old argument that Batman can beat anybody given sufficient time to prepare. But it’s only an assumption that he has that much time. From a quick online search, I found no images of the Commodore where he was armed, so we have to assume only his hands. No prop time. Just toss him and a bobcat in a cage, and I’ll bet on the bobcat. Even if the Commodore manages to kill the cat, he’ll likely then bleed out himself.
8) anyone who doesn’t think an eagle could beat a wildcat is beyond stupid
11) Lol, nice insult. Guess it would depend on the size of the wildcat.
If the Ole Miss Rebels had really went with Admiral Akbar as their mascot, they’ve have cleaned up at this. He could bring an entire space frigate from the Rebel Alliance to the fight!
I liked it. There were some funny lines in here. I think the bobcat could take a collie and an eagle. Those things can be vicious.
Nice work Tomlin. Got folks arguing whether a wildcat or eagle would win in a fight. My favorite animal is the Liger.
You sir, fail at animals.
Gotta agree with 8. Would depend on size of wildcat, but a wildcat could be a bobcat like 1 said. Eagle isn’t picking that thing up.
11) sorry i couldn’t think of another way to say it. I simply mean to say that’s highly illogical and I don’t think many people are putting thought into this.
If anyone knows anything about animals and can also use logic they would conclude that a lot of these predictions are inaccurate.
In what way does a razorback, collie, hound, bulldog or wildcat have to beat an Eagle? Are we assuming the eagle has to sit in front of them and peck at them as they maul the thing? An eagle simply swoops in and basically stabs other animals with its 2 to 3 inch talons which are sharp as hell. A razorback would have no way to defend itself from an Ariel assault and while a bobcat would fair better as far as attacking the eagle it probably dies shortly after the first after
They were used to hunt and kill gray wolfs for Pete’s sake.
Thought Auburn’s mascot was the tiger and their song was War Eagle.
Aerial ***
I’ve played this game in my bracket forever. Wake Forest is always the winner. A Demon Deacon–special powers and God on his side.
A golden eagle flies over 100 mph and can break a grown man’s forearm with its talons. It has zero problem with a cat any smaller than a mountain lion.
If you had ever been coon hunting you would have definitely given the coonhound more props
Tomlin, you are a genius. Still, Olé Miss’s mascot is now the Black Bear. That could totally change the game here….
AU’s mascot is still a tiger. Just because we’re having air raid sirens at games now doesn’t make our mascot air raid sirens. You have 2 tigers in there already anyway, so what’s a 3rd? If this is going to be about mascots, then make it about mascots.
@J A Brooks
1. In this video the bobcat (lynx) is clearly attacking the eagle, which runs away. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBI3kSK0s9k Who da dummy now?
2. Though many of these are up for speculation, Tomlin is mostly writing here for humor/entertainment. Since the guy literally writes for Nat Geo, I think he has more authority than any of us.
18 – See here: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/995010/Did-bobcat-kill-eagle-in-zoo.html?pg=all
#25-the nickname is Tiger. The ‘mascot’ is a War Damn Eagle. Just like UT are the Volunteers (men with guns who would, like the Commodore, would, in theory, be able to kill most), but the mascot is the bluetick coonhound.
And damn, did you see that bobcat’s vertical? No wonder we use that mascot.
Also called a Bobcat – – – If he isn’t paying attention, even the Commodore or Rebel could be in trouble: http://gma.yahoo.com/video/gma-bobcat-attacks-massachusetts-man-080000078.html
Bulldog – would not have a chance – afternoon snack for a wildcat – I’ll give you tiger, war eagle, elephant and gator though…
22) people apparently know nothing about eagles lol. Even the smaller bred ones used in falconry can kill wolves, coyotes, lynx etc. The big golden eagles get up to a wingspan of over 9 feet with four 3-inch talons on each foot haha.
I doubt they can damage a tiger enough to kill it before they take fatal damage themselves but a large wild eagle is beating just about everything else other than an elephant.
Humans maybe if they’re sitting with a scatter gun waiting on the thing but one swoop from a full grown wild eagle could completely wreck a human. Eagle flies away. Human lies on the ground dialing 911 or bleeding to death
Here is how I envision our mascot-http://www.arizona-leisure.com/gfx/bobcat.jpg
Again, I guess it all just depends on how you view a wildcat.
link fail on my part
You don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s the AUBURN Tigers. “War Eagle” is their fight song. The mascot on the field is even a tiger…. Aubie. Duh…
26) um… Thats cool of Tomlin but hes still wrong and im mainly referring to all the posters claiming eagles can’t kill the majority of these animald. And if it “runs” away its not losing its defending itself via flight.
Do you want me to post numerous videos of eagles attacking and killing wolves, coyotes, foxes, dogs, etc.
I will… But u could easily go to YouTube and watch the 3000 posted on there
#34-no, the real life mascot on the field (which is think what T is going for) is a war damn eagle. Just like UT has a ‘Volunteer,’ but the mascot is the coon hound.
Back to old form Tomlin. A much needed improvement over your last few posts. Nice work!
Show me a pic of anything that flies other than a pterydactil with a cat in its mouth! No way a bird beats a cat, and a bulldog,really. Bulldog couldn’t get close enough to smell a wildcat much less catch it!
Tiger isn’t going to beat an Elephant or Gator.
27) did u actually read that article? The bird was in an enclosure and unable to fly… Yes. In a cage a wildcat beats an eagle… Clap clap.
However…
“Under ordinary circumstances, I find it really hard to believe that a cat would take on a full grown eagle,” added Xanten.
From the very same article you linked
A wildcat would definitely beat any of the dogs on the list. Cats are God’s perfect killing machines. I for one would much rather encounter an angry bulldog than an angry bobcat.
38) are you serious? Tomlin already posted a link of an eagle carrying a damn mountain goat! With its talons not its mouth…
Education is getting soooo bad
@35 Never said that eagles CANT kill prey like that, though my eagle vs wolf youtube search was a bit disappointing after your claims. The best one I saw was what looked like 2 eagles taking down a “wolf” the size of a small coyote/fox. My point was, that if a bobcat will stalk, attack (leaping through the air like a badass), and chase off an eagle, there’s at least a question as to whether a bobcat could win. Your initial comment “anyone who doesn’t think an eagle could beat a wildcat is beyond stupid” seems a bit far fetched.
Hey JA, speaking of education, read my post. It says a cat not a friggin goat. Da!
36 – you’re a moron. Just google it. It’s a tiger.
A collie beating a wildcat… huh?
http://www.google.com/search?q=auburn+univeristy+mascot&nfpr=1&sa=X&ei=jwu6UeTsHIOGyAHWioCwDQ&ved=0CCgQvgUoAQ
There I did it for you.
By the way, I love this debate. Somewhere the 5th grade me is having this same conversation at recess.
I take it that this is all one on one, but how about a battle royale? True, the Commodore has a sword, but a cannon takes time to load. He could take out one, maybe two mascots with the cannon if they bum rushed him, but with so many mascots around, he would go down. Or better yet, what if we put all these mascots on…let’s say an island in the Pacific.
This is the dumbest article ever written.
43) So according to you as long as a bobcat COULD win then im wrong but my statement that “anyone who doesn’t think an eagle COULD beat a wildcat” is far fetched? Hrmmmmm. Double standard much? If u don’t think an eagle COULD, CAN, most likely WOULD kill a bobcat then once again… Your dumb (in regards to animals)
44) clap clap again. A normal person would conclude that if an eagle can lift a 40 pound goat it could lift a 10 pound cat. Guess I expect to much of you…
Nerd Fight
wow, we should have the same debate about the people posting comments here. winner is the dumbest and should kill themselves as a favor to humanity.
For the record I think wildcats/bobcats are badass… Eagles are just ridiculous as far as hunting and killing goes
@53 – Imagine if these posters were spouting their arguments on Main Street instead of here (and I include myself). It’s a public service. Also, it’s summertime. It’s a safe pastime.
Too bad Michigan isn’t in the SEC. Wolverines are awesome and can only be stopped by a shotgun.
#47–then it shouldn’t be a tiger. It should be a man (or woman) in a tiger costume that constantly twirls his tail. Because that is what Aubie is. Auburn does not have an actual ANIMAL TIGER that roams the field. The AMIMAL MASCOT for Auburn is the war damn eagle.
54 – you’re right. it is summer. i’m bored and a rabble-rowser.
Lets not underestimate a razorback hog. Their skulls are nearly bulletproof, they have tusks, and they can charge pretty fast. Also, some of them get as large as a sonofabitch
#59-ya think? http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/36/Hogzilla.jpg
I think you’re really underestimating the Wildcat. I got the wildcat taking everything but the tigers, elephant, razorback, and the eagle.
Ok, makes sense. But, if I agree that I’m dumb about animals, you have to agree that “your dumb” about grammar.
57 – Well, I guess you’re right and Google and the rest if the collegiate world is wrong… *end sarcasm.* On a more serious note, it’s the Auburn Tigers, not the Auburn Eagles.
#63-It’s the Tennessee Volunteers, not the Tennessee Bluetick Coonhounds. Your point?
#63-a Crimson Tide would be able to wash away and drown any of the others as well.
65 – Here, read this. This is from the Auburn University site clearly showing the Tiger, not the eagle, is the mascot. http://search.auburn.edu/?q=mascot&cx=006456623919840955604%3Apinevfah6qm&ie=utf-8
#66-I understand that the ‘mascot’ of Auburn is Aubie the Tiger. The premise of this post was that any animal associated with the school would fight. The animal, and I mean the actual not human mascot in a suit, that’s associated with Auburn is the eagle. That have a live eagle on the field for every game, and have since 1960.
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JA, damn, its not about how much weight he can lift. Its about speed, agility,instinct and ability to defend. As long as both know the other one is there,the eagle wont get the wildcat. cats are maid to kill birds, period.
I find it hilarious that an article that was obviously meant to be humorous is getting so many negative arguments about the mascot of Auburn. I think the entire post was entertaining and better served by including the War Eagle rather than a 3rd tiger. Tomlin even explained his reason for doing this in comment #7: ” Tomlin Says: June 13th, 2013 at 1:15 pm #3, you’re right, but they do have a golden eagle they employ at football games from time to time. I opted with the War Eagle because there are just too many tigers in the SEC.” I think a lot of KSR readers could really stand to lighten up a bit and not take everything so seriously. That type of attitude is going to cause you people to die at a unnecessarily young age.
I never knew people would think the Wildcat is just a house cat in the wild or had gone wild. It’s a bobcat. They are bigger than your normal domesticated cats.
67 – the title of the post does not say animals. It says Mascot. You might understand the premise, but didn’t recognize that Eagle is not the mascot. Additionally, just because AU has had an eagle fly over the stadium at the beginning of games since 1960 does not make it the mascot.
I disagree with the War Eagle, the Wild cat would have a feast on this and the Bulldog, are you shi–ing me, the 45 pound wild cat would kill a bull dog in about 30 seconds, or leave him torn to shreads to die a slow painful death!
Interesting, but which of these animals are friends in the wild? Bravo for working “possibly” in multiple times.
The UK Wildcat would be the same as a mountain lion, which is indigenous to the State of Kentucky at one time. There is still supposedly the rare one out there. I would take a mountain lion over most of the list anytime.
Agree 73. No way a bulldog could handle a Wildcat would have his lil fat ass for dinner.
Fun post Tomlin the only one I disagree with is the elephant that thing ways over 3 TONS on average and African elephants weight up to 7 tons they are going to crush an 800lb tiger
So…. My dad can beat up your dad.
Auburn is the tigers. But they also have a live eagle that flies over the field before the games. I see what you are going for. I’ can accept either. They did used to have a live tiger on campus. But the eagle isn’t the mascot.
i’d feel pretty safe if a wildcat had my back in a fight.
A full grown bull elephant easily whips both tigers. At the end of the day however, it would be the rebel and commodore left shooting at one another.
As a lifelong UK fan & an Auburn grad, I’ve got to say I got a good chuckle out of your vehement argument that our mascot was the “war damn eagle”. War Eagle is the battle cry for Auburn. What you’re arguing is essentially the same as saying Alabama’s mascot is a “Roll tide” or Arkansas’s mascot is a “Pig sooie”. The eagle circling the field is an amazing tradition that I believe every SEC fan should see in person at least once, but the university’s mascot is still a tiger… I can appreciate what Tomlin was trying to do here to mix some variety into the post, but please quit arguing about over a point which you are severely misinformed about.
#82-I know the mascot isn’t the eagle. I know. I really do. I know. I wasn’t trying to argue that that mascot itself was the war damn eagle (and I used WDE because I think it’s funny to hear people say that around here all the time–lots of AU fans in Central GA….) But the premise was the live animal that goes with the school. There isn’t a tiger at Auburn. There’s an eagle. Nickname doesn’t always equal mascot and, in auburn’s case, the mascot doesn’t equal the live animal that hangs out at games. Example—The mascot of Ole Miss isn’t the Rebel anymore, it’s the black bear.
I’m sleepy. I came across as silly in my posts. I knew what I was trying to say, but not really making it clear on here. Sorry all.
I’d put the Wildcat way higher on the list and not just because I’m biased. A feral cat could take any domesticated dog easily, and the war eagle just isn’t that intimidating,
Which school has a MERMAID for a mascot?
J A Brooks says: “A razorback would have no way to defend itself from an Ariel assault….”