Hello, friends. Here we are again on another strangely warm Wednesday in the year 2012. You doing okay? You look good, you really do. Pete Rose’s haircut isn’t for everyone, but it really seems to fit well on you. It’s delightfully “retro,” and I think it’s a good look for you in the new year. I say go with it.
Friends, here at KSR we are nothing if we are not always looking out for you. And avid readers of this site may remember that in early 2008, we toyed with the idea of turning this entire medicine show into a dating site wherein Kentucky fans could meet Kentucky fans for companionship, friendship and even love. That project, which as you will recall lasted until October 2011, was extremely profitable for all of us and has led to a massive jump in babies named “Hubby” at Kentucky-area hospitals over the past two years. Of that, we’re extremely proud. As we’re looking to revamp the program, called KSRomance, in the new year we felt that it was time we updated some of the collateral materials used by our subscribers. For you today, then, I present an updated questionnaire which you may submit to us so we may help match you with the appropriate partner for exciting times today and steadfast company for your golden years. Because we don’t want you to die alone. Those of you wishing to enroll in the KSRomance service should take the time to answer the following questions appropriately and honestly. And remember — it’s not just romance, it’s KSRomance.
1. I am a:
2. I am actively seeking:
a.) companionship — if it leads to more, that’s great.
b.) love — I would like to find a mate with whom I can share and experience life.
c.) friendship — these VHS videocassettes of the 1983 football season aren’t going to rewind themselves.
3. If I were to describe my potential partner in terms of recruiting, I would say he/she is:
a.) five stars — nothing but the best for me.
b.) three stars — Southern Illinois University isn’t beautiful, but sometimes it gets the job done.
c.) two stars — The fundamentals may be lacking, but at least it’s a body on the court.
d.) walk-on — I don’t know where he/she came from or who he/she is, but okay, sure.
4. In a relationship, my “style” is akin to:
a.) Tubby Smith — I’m not good with handling attitude.
b.) Rick Pitino — I’m often impatient.
c.) John Calipari — Attack, attack, skip, attack, attack.
d.) Billy Gillispie — Screw it, let’s party!
5. If I were to describe my lovemaking skills in terms of a UK basketball player (1980-83), it would be:
a.) Sam Bowie — smooth and graceful like a well-oiled machine.
b.) Dicky Beal — I have the skills, but also the quickness.
c.) Roger Harden — Yeah ladies, you know what I’m sayin’.
d.) Tom Heitz — Most of the time you may forget I’m there.
6. Complete this sentence: “The perfect spot for a first date is ____.”
a.) Orange Leaf Frozen Yogurt
b.) The Campbell House Hotel Lounge
c.) An upscale Italian restaurant
7. When I watch a beautiful sunset with my partner, I think of:
a.) The beauty of human life experience.
b.) The majesty of the natural world.
c.) The happiness two people can share together.
d.) Terrence Jones shooting a three-pointer over the sun.
8. I often joke that my blood is:
a.) Blue, because I love UK.
b.) Red, chemically, though I am still a UK fan.
c.) Stored in jars in the basement on a shelf labeled “Drifters I’ve Murdered,” because I misunderstood the question.
9. If describing myself in terms of an SEC basketball court, I would be:
a.) Rupp Arena — Full of life and energy.
b.) Memorial Gymnasium — Too far and I’m over the edge.
c.) Thompson-Boling Arena — Not as sweaty as I used to be.
d.) Auburn Arena — Empty inside.
10. One thing people may not know about me is:
a.) I haven’t missed a UK Basketball game since 1990.
b.) Todd Svoboda is my uncle.
c.) In the late eighties, I held an extensive and imagined friendship with Ralph Beard.
d.) I once fought Alan Cutler in a locker room.
e.) I’m hongry.
11. Is there anything else we should know about you?
That’s it! Simple, eh? Just return this to the KSR Compound with your $150 enrollment fee and we’ll start working on finding your True Blue Significant Other today. Thanks for taking the time to join KSRomance, and best of luck finding love! Until Friday, friends. Have a great Wednesday.