Hello, friends. Waaazzzup? Have you guys seen that commercial? It’s hilarious. I love to say that all the time to people now, and they generally seem to enjoy it. I’m very cutting edge when it comes to comedy.
Friends, we are officially in “down time mode” as a fan of the University of Kentucky football and basketball program, waiting for things to get rolling proper. Some of you may know that during these quieter months, we here at KSR like to take the free time to conduct some field surveys so we can better gauge what our readers want and also get a finger on the pulse of the Big Blue Nation concerning current issues, past and future players and general Wildcat-based information. You could say we have “research on research on research,” if you liked to adapt the colloquialisms of hip-hop artists and rappers. You may have even received one of our telemarketing calls in the past few weeks. To give you a glimpse behind the scenes today, I thought you might be interested in seeing the script for said phone calls. Don’t worry, you’re sure to hate it. As always, friends, have a great weekend and kiss your mama — or some reasomable facsimile thereof — for Mother’s Day. She’s a special lady, your Moms. Tell her I said hi.
Hello _______. My name is [Your Name Here] and I represent Kentucky Sports Radio. We value your input and would like to ask you a few questions today. Is this a bad time?
If no, then:
What might be a good time then, dummy? You know what? Sorry I interrupted whatever dumb thing you’re doing. Have a nice life, stupid.
If yes, then:
Great! Thanks! I just have a few questions I’d like to ask. Please phrase your responses to me as clearly as possible, so I may record your full response. What is your knowledge of Kentucky Sports Radio as a website?
As a podcast?
As a radio program?
As a charity to provide musical instruments to inner city youth?
As the name on an off-shore account to stash money won by wagering in illegal Puerto Rican jai alai parlors?
Who is your favorite Wildcat of all time? Why is it Allen Edwards?
Do you think Orlando Antigua could pull off a fedora? Not everyone can, you know.
Please tell me what you’d like to see more of on the Kentucky Sports Radio website:
Attractive ladies in UK tank tops?
Winning lottery numbers?
People displaying “three goggles” while doing or standing in front of things?
The serialized fictional adventures of “Rod Strickland, Space Mercenary?”
Are you aware of former Commissioner of Agriculture Richie Farmer’s claims that he only borrowed a break room VCR so he could enjoy his VHS copy of the 1988 film Stealing Home, starring Mark Harmon and Jodie Foster?
Are you aware that critic Rex Reed said Harmon “knocks it out of the park,” and that the phrase is a play on the film’s title?
Did you ever watch or were you ever invited to watch the film Stealing Home at Richie Farmer’s home prior to the confiscation of the VCR as evidence in the current charges against him?
What’s your favorite color, baby?
What’s up with John Robic’s hair? Seriously, do you know? I’m seriously asking.
What are you wearing right now? No no, tell me slowly.
Who do you think would win in a fight: Randolph Morris or an Andean Condor? What if Randolph Morris had a stick with some nails in it? Does the age of the condor change your response at all?
Which Harrison is your favorite? Andrew, Aaron, George or William Henry?
How many minutes of your life would you say this telephone survey has wasted? How about the corresponding column?
Can I call you again? Do you want to get a sandwich sometime? Hit me up. This has been awesome. You seem like a really cool person. Do you have a pool? Let’s keep in touch, this has been great. Thank you for your time today. I will make a note that you have asked us not to call you again. Have a great day.