Here at Kentucky Sports Radio and Blog Services, we strive each day to give you, the faithful reader, an insight into the goings on at our favorite university (next to that one on TV that teaches you how to make video games, which I’m totally gonna go to). Here you often find information on recruits, interesting photographs, sexy tunes and assorted, general propoganda.
But we like to keep the envelope pushed — literally, in fact, as this past week I unlocked the old fake moustache case, slapped one on and went underground as a mail carrier in the department of the University of Kentucky’s Postal Services. There I was privy to anything outgoing or ingoing to the University, and I pored over countless letters to find anything at all worth sharing. Below, I’ve selected a few I thought you might find interesting. Please to enjoy.
Dear Mr. Barnhart,
I am writing to voice my displeasure with the current rumor floating about that some of the season ticket holders’ seats will be relocated in order to make room for more students. I am outraged! My family has held UK season tickets for over fifty years now, and I see no reason why our enjoyment of the game should change because some children want to put paint on their faces and hold up silly signs. Some people say this move may make the crowd at Rupp Arena more like Duke University’s “Cameron Crazies,” but I can assure you that inviting “crazies” into our games will only breed more drug smoking, rock music and loose behavior than ever before. If this happens, I might as well stay at home and watch the games on my television box.
I must also add that if my seats were moved to the upper tier, I would have trouble seeing the game through my monacle, and I fear that some pervert teenager might steal it and use it to huff paint or roll a marijuana cigarette. I would not be able to pursue this offender, as my cow’s hip (in there since 1949!) is not conducive to running quickly, and my husband might fall and choke on his pipe. I beg you to reconsider allowing these layabouts and riffraff to take over our hallowed arena, unless you’re willing to foot the bill for caring for all the children which will spawn from the dirty teenager sex going on in the public restrooms.
Mrs. Mabel Whistler
I hate Elite Camp! It’s not at all like Camp Heavenly Faith. Please come get me. First of all, you said I would meet all kinds of new friends here, but all the kids here want to do is play basketball. That’s all we do! We don’t sing songs or anything, and my asthma keeps me from playing on the big courts. Also, they make me wear a tank top, and the other kids keep calling me fat. I wish I was never born!
You think you’re so big. You suck. Everyone thinks so. I’m so much cooler than you. For one, I have a hat on. And also I wear a jersey and tennis shoes. You don’t wear any clothes at all, and everyone is laughing at you. I’m totally serious. Watch your back, you naked moron.
Dear Mr. Keightley,
Thank you very much for your recent letter to our office. I am sorry to inform you that former Prime Minister Churchill has been deceased for many years; however, I’m sure were he alive he would appreciate your admiration at the way he, as you say, “gave those jerries a what-for.” Thank you for your support.
Office of the Prime Minister
There you go, folks. But don’t sit around reading on the computer all day. It’s summer. Get out there and have some fun. Fly a kite. Play some whiffleball. Or visit your local amusement park, like the young boy below.
That is all.