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Instant Hate Day: Vanderbilt University

Hello, friends. I hope you had a phenomenal Christmas. Oh, is that leftover mistletoe I see above us? Well then, you know what’s coming, don’t you? That’s right, I’m going to need to get a ladder and take that down because I must have forgotten it when I was cleaning up the KSR decorations. Sorry.

Friends, with our not-so-gentle offing of the Eagles last night, our non-conference play was put to bed and now we can focus on bigger prizes — another SEC championship. Next week we begin our conference schedule with the mighty Vanderbilt Commodores, which got me to wondering why we don’t consider that a bigger rivalry than we do. After all, they certainly seem to have our number from time to time, and they’re rarely a true pushover. Plus, I was looking over their website a little. So I thought it might be fun, to kick this next week off right, to stoke the rivalry a week early in a piece we’ll call Instant Hate Day: Vanderbilt, just to get our blood flowing for our first SEC opponents. I suggest that over the next many days we grow our hatred of Vandy to maximum levels, what do you say? Okay! Let’s do it! And I’ll see you here again next week.


Welcome to Vanderbilt University! These students have gathered together to make the traditional Vanderbilt star logoâ„¢, which you can see has delighted the throngs gathered around to observe the festivities. If you look closely, you can see one student body-slamming another (common in Tennessee) and one student Tebowing (common a year and a half ago). Oh, it does look like such fun. This is the kind of rollicking tomfoolery you’ll become accustomed to as a Vanderbilt student, and it’s mandatory three mornings a week at 7:00 am sharp.

Student life! Hooray! These students are partying hard to blow off some steam after a particularly grueling midterm. The blonde girl couldn’t be bothered to stand up, because she clearly doesn’t feel as strongly about ending oil subsidies as her comrades. Calm down, you guys! You’re having way too much fun over there!

Need to relax? The Sarratt Student Center is just what the doctor ordered. There’s a bench for every person, or — if you’d rather — you can all sit on the same bench. It’s this closeness that bonds the students of Vanderbilt together. Watch your hands, girl in the pink sweater! We’ve got our eyes on you!

Hey ladies! Watch out for chiggers! Just kidding. (Though, seriously, watch out for chiggers.) These happy students are talking about shopping and makeup early in the morning, and one of them is clearly being cheeky. The girl in the plaid shirt can’t believe what she just said about her favorite artist, Taylor Swift! Hands off, she seems to be saying, Harry from One Direction is mine! Good times like this are what Vanderbilt’s all about.

These joyful science students have built a Vandy-themed rocketship with which to fire their virginities into space and have them preserved forever! This sort of forward-thinking progress is what Vanderbilt students pride themselves upon. Be a part of the future at Vanderbilt!

Say hello to “Mr. Commodore!” Or, as he should probably be more appropriately named, “Commodore Commodore,” since Commodore is a title. At Vanderbilt you’ll see a lot of Mr. Commodore, a character born from Hungarian folk tales who lives inside your nightmares and eats children who don’t tie their shoes. Mind your P’s and Q’s and you’ll stay on his good side!

Vanderbilt has a rich basketball tradition, and no tradition is more prevalent and revered than, after a win, mashing up a Ho-Ho in a towel and giving it to head coach Kevin Stallings. Watch him go!

These nursing students are taking a break from their classes at Godchaux Hall to enjoy each other’s company. Whether you want to meticulously stack books or just enjoy a cup of coffee, Vanderbilt is all about your comfort. Remember, no direct eye contact!

Whatever your interests, you’ll find your place at Vanderbilt University in beautiful Nashville, Tennessee! Come tour the campus and enjoy all Vandy has to offer. Just please don’t accidentally step off the court at Memorial Coliseum or you might break your neck and die. Start living your future today!

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

30 Comments for Instant Hate Day: Vanderbilt University

  1. ukfastcat
    8:33 pm January 3, 2013 Permalink

    Cornelius Vanderbilt was a cross-dresser.

  2. Andy
    8:38 pm January 3, 2013 Permalink

    The last trip to Vandy gave us helmet guy, I can’t wait to see what this trip gives us.

  3. Robbie
    8:53 pm January 3, 2013 Permalink

    Tomlin for president

  4. serdi
    8:56 pm January 3, 2013 Permalink

    You are showing your age. If you were around during the Coach Rupp and Hall eras you would know they are a long and respected rival.

  5. Steve Fitts
    8:59 pm January 3, 2013 Permalink

    Let’s be honest–if it weren’t for Vandy, the SEC would have ZERO academic cred!

  6. jaxcats8503
    9:07 pm January 3, 2013 Permalink

    Since when does academic cred earn you wins and losses on the court/field? Who gives a shit.

  7. Eric Bledsoe
    9:18 pm January 3, 2013 Permalink

    I’m Riiiiiiich Beeeeotch!

  8. jr53
    9:29 pm January 3, 2013 Permalink

    Dumb….I mean really????

  9. charliedoag
    9:29 pm January 3, 2013 Permalink

    Bill Dauterive from King of the Hill

  10. bubbashine
    9:36 pm January 3, 2013 Permalink

    Tomlin wasn’t voted KSR top blogger for nothin.

  11. BleedingBlue79
    9:46 pm January 3, 2013 Permalink

    If Tomlin rewrote the phone book, I’d probably read it.

  12. dr. gonzo
    11:17 pm January 3, 2013 Permalink

    Ho Ho snorting. Damn that is funny

  13. BobWeOddABabyEetsABoy
    11:56 pm January 3, 2013 Permalink

    The two girls sitting on the grass…the one on the right is my cousin…not even kidding. She will be SO embarrassed when I show her this. Can’t wait haha. Funny thing is…she’s a die-hard CATS fan! BBN is everywhere!

  14. Goofdru
    12:04 am January 4, 2013 Permalink

    Pure classic!!! No direct eye contact hahahaha

  15. SeoulCat
    1:16 am January 4, 2013 Permalink

    A flashback from the days when KSR had good writers. Thank you, Tomlin!

  16. HeshimuEvans'2ndGradeTeacher
    1:31 am January 4, 2013 Permalink

    Intro is old, and has been. Get rid of about half of this post and it would be much better

  17. RealCatsFan
    7:34 am January 4, 2013 Permalink

    I have to say, UK should consider an elevated court similar to what Vandy has when they renovate Rupp. Then line the court with a standing room “mosh pit” of students. This will get the rowdiness up close and personal and make the atmosphere much more intense, without obstructing the view of the blue hairs in the lower arena.

  18. Will
    8:23 am January 4, 2013 Permalink

    Bravo sir, bravo…

  19. Michael
    8:33 am January 4, 2013 Permalink

    Stellar work. Stallings and ho ho’s oh my.

  20. kyle heavy
    8:48 am January 4, 2013 Permalink

    No one has said it… Brilliant Tomlin!

  21. Matty Ice
    9:17 am January 4, 2013 Permalink

    There will be nothing funnier written on KSR all year. Bravo!!!!

  22. Lebron8
    9:34 am January 4, 2013 Permalink

    Seriously, people think this is hilarious? Drew Franklin could be banging out a post while actively raping Lolo Jones, and be funnier than that. . #weaksauce

  23. Nick
    9:48 am January 4, 2013 Permalink

    23 — Somebody who thinks rape jokes are funny probably would find Drew Franklin funnier than Tomlin. Not something I’d put on my resume, though.

  24. Lebron8's mom
    9:49 am January 4, 2013 Permalink

    when you grow up Lebron and find your sense of humor, then there will be hope for you. sigh.

  25. Derick
    9:56 am January 4, 2013 Permalink

    And Digger Phelps will come to your school and chastise opposing fans.

  26. KingRex
    10:05 am January 4, 2013 Permalink

    Lebron8, yeah, this is funny stuff. Speaking of not knowing what is funny, your “actively raping” line is weak. Everyone know how hilarious rape is. Why not “passively raping”? Or how about no rape at all. I can understand why Tomlin’s humor isn’t up your alley…

  27. Pancreas
    12:03 pm January 4, 2013 Permalink

    Pretty funny but Tomlin has clearly never spent any time at Vanderbilt.

    There are essentially two separate schools that are divided by Greek life. I think you can guess which one Tomlin focused on, but in reality (despite rampant efforts to squander it) Greek organizations wholly dominate the school. It has a phenomenal social scene (which is slowly and sadly dying thanks to administrative action) and has one of the better academic/social balances in America.

  28. UK's Campus
    12:47 pm January 4, 2013 Permalink

    It’s Memorial GYM in the last sentence. You should know better.

  29. Vandy Student
    5:07 pm January 4, 2013 Permalink

    I would be mad too considering we beat you in both football and basketball within the last year. Keep hating, we will get the last laugh when you work for us.