What is Western Kentucky University?
Western Kentucky State University began roughly in 1875 as Glasgow Normal School, then changed to The Southern Normal School and Business College, then changed into The Western Kentucky State Business School, then changed to The Western Kentucky State Normal School and Teachers College, then changed to The Western Kentucky State Teachers College, then changed to Western State College and then changed into Western State University. Now we just call it “Western.”
That seems like a lot of name changes.
It is. As a result of these many name changes, the institution was funded entirely on t-shirt sales for nearly a hundred years.
What can you tell me about Western Kentucky University?
Located in picturesque Bowling Green, Kentucky, Western Kentucky is the only university in the nation where every direction is uphill. For instance, to walk from Bates Runner Hall the Ivan Wilson Fine Arts Center is uphill. To walk from the Craig Alumni Center to Cherry Hall is uphill. To walk from Downing University Center to Grise Hall is uphill, and yet strangely the walk back from Grise Hall to Downing University is also uphill. Scientists have been studying this phenomenon for years and can only surmise that there is some sort of higher-dimensional, unvisualized wormhole somewhere in or above the campus. Consequently, Western Kentucky’s fight song is “Stand Up and Cheer,” which was recently changed in 2003 from the more apt “Sit Down Because Our Feet Hurt From All This Damn Uphill Walking” both because the latter was hurting admission numbers and because it was a very clunky line to be the chorus of a song.
Who are Western Kentucky’s most famous alumni?
Western boasts a long line of illustrious alumni, among them American masters like the guy who played Roy on Wings, Howard Stern’s former assitant producer K.C. Armstrong and Rod Smart, better known as the XFL’s “He Hate Me.” Smart’s generous donations back to Western over the years have prompted the building of the He Hate Me Center for Environmental Research and Development, which broke ground in late 2012.
When I visited Western Kentucky University, I was pursued by a hideous man-beast who was trying to murder me.
That was only “Big Red,” the mascot for the Western Kentucky University Hilltoppers. Big Red is so malformed as to signify the hill on which WKU sits upon, thus providing significance for the team name. Big Red is also a deformed monster from Slavic mythology known as a “yarma,” who will steal children who get holes in their shoes. You probably had nothing to worry about! Probably.
Why is the campus littered with skeletons?
Those are the bodies of the deceased brave who gave their lives trying to summit the mountain and reach the Department of Physics and Astronomy. They will not be forgotten.
I drove to Western Kentucky University once and hit so many potholes that my car caught on fire and exploded. Why is this?
It is a very well-guarded secret among those in-the-know at Kentucky’s State College system that a grant was awarded to Western Kentucky in 1972 which dictated that all roads leading in or out of Bowling Green would be sufficiently terrible enough to discourage all comers from distracting the students at their studies. It has since proven very effective, as you’d no doubt agree.
I can’t wait to visit Bowling Green for the WKU/UK game this weekend.
You will be disappointed to learn that the game will be played in Nashville instead.
This is because it is physically impossible to play football or basketball on Western Kentucky’s campus because everything rolls downhill, all passes and throws fly off out of the stadium and plummet to the town below and all athletes must be tethered constantly by caribiner to a secure safety rope as to not fall into the stands at one end of the court or field and injure themselves or the fans.
What time does the game start?
The game will begin at 6:00 pm central time, but you may want to hang back a bit because as the WKU team and fans approach the city of Nashville from the hill they live upon, they will likely be gaining an astounding amount of momentum and may be traveling at a dangerous rate of velocity when they reach LP Field, potentially destroying all in their path.
If this happens, will Big Red be hurt?
No. Big Red will live on, manifesting horrifically wherever there are children who don’t take care of their shoes. See you at the game!