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Frequently Asked Questions About Western Kentucky University

big_red_02

 

What is Western Kentucky University?

 

Western Kentucky State University began roughly in 1875 as Glasgow Normal School, then changed to The Southern Normal School and Business College, then changed into The Western Kentucky State Business School, then changed to The Western Kentucky State Normal School and Teachers College, then changed to The Western Kentucky State Teachers College, then changed to Western State College and then changed into Western State University. Now we just call it “Western.”

 

That seems like a lot of name changes.

 

It is. As a result of these many name changes, the institution was funded entirely on t-shirt sales for nearly a hundred years.

 

What can you tell me about Western Kentucky University?

 

Located in picturesque Bowling Green, Kentucky, Western Kentucky is the only university in the nation where every direction is uphill. For instance, to walk from Bates Runner Hall the Ivan Wilson Fine Arts Center is uphill. To walk from the Craig Alumni Center to Cherry Hall is uphill. To walk from Downing University Center to Grise Hall is uphill, and yet strangely the walk back from Grise Hall to Downing University is also uphill. Scientists have been studying this phenomenon for years and can only surmise that there is some sort of higher-dimensional, unvisualized wormhole somewhere in or above the campus. Consequently, Western Kentucky’s fight song is “Stand Up and Cheer,” which was recently changed in 2003 from the more apt “Sit Down Because Our Feet Hurt From All This Damn Uphill Walking” both because the latter was hurting admission numbers and because it was a very clunky line to be the chorus of a song.

 

Who are Western Kentucky’s most famous alumni?

 

Western boasts a long line of illustrious alumni, among them American masters like the guy who played Roy on Wings, Howard Stern’s former assitant producer K.C. Armstrong and Rod Smart, better known as the XFL’s “He Hate Me.” Smart’s generous donations back to Western over the years have prompted the building of the He Hate Me Center for Environmental Research and Development, which broke ground in late 2012.

 

When I visited Western Kentucky University, I was pursued by a hideous man-beast who was trying to murder me.

 

That was only “Big Red,” the mascot for the Western Kentucky University Hilltoppers. Big Red is so malformed as to signify the hill on which WKU sits upon, thus providing significance for the team name. Big Red is also a deformed monster from Slavic mythology known as a “yarma,” who will steal children who get holes in their shoes. You probably had nothing to worry about! Probably.

 

Why is the campus littered with skeletons?

Those are the bodies of the deceased brave who gave their lives trying to summit the mountain and reach the Department of Physics and Astronomy. They will not be forgotten.

 

I drove to Western Kentucky University once and hit so many potholes that my car caught on fire and exploded. Why is this?

 

It is a very well-guarded secret among those in-the-know at Kentucky’s State College system that a grant was awarded to Western Kentucky in 1972 which dictated that all roads leading in or out of Bowling Green would be sufficiently terrible enough to discourage all comers from distracting the students at their studies. It has since proven very effective, as you’d no doubt agree.

 

I can’t wait to visit Bowling Green for the WKU/UK game this weekend.

 

You will be disappointed to learn that the game will be played in Nashville instead.

 

Why?

 

This is because it is physically impossible to play football or basketball on Western Kentucky’s campus because everything rolls downhill, all passes and throws fly off out of the stadium and plummet to the town below and all athletes must be tethered constantly by caribiner to a secure safety rope as to not fall into the stands at one end of the court or field and injure themselves or the fans.

 

What time does the game start?

 

The game will begin at 6:00 pm central time, but you may want to hang back a bit because as the WKU team and fans approach the city of Nashville from the hill they live upon, they will likely be gaining an astounding amount of momentum and may be traveling at a dangerous rate of velocity when they reach LP Field, potentially destroying all in their path.

 

If this happens, will Big Red be hurt?

 

No. Big Red will live on, manifesting horrifically wherever there are children who don’t take care of their shoes. See you at the game!

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

25 Comments for Frequently Asked Questions About Western Kentucky University



  1. Randy
    4:41 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    I wish Big Red ( aka The Shit ) was our mascot.



  2. JR
    4:41 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    This was funny good job Chris!



  3. Wildcatsteeler
    4:54 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    Pretty funny.



  4. Musehobo
    4:55 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    Man I’ve missed these articles. Nice Job Tomlin. Genius as usual.



  5. KEVIN BURTON
    4:59 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    Big Red will eat those lil kitty cats tomorrow!



  6. DH
    5:04 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    Kevin, your mom will be home soon. Time to get off the computer and do your homework



  7. Mike Tracy
    5:10 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    where did the insightful journalist go?



  8. MustangCat
    5:13 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    The Universitie must be built on or near the premises of the infamous upside down house. I don’t really recall the name of the place, but we went there during my childhood. It is like a reverse gravity house or something?! Water runs from the kitchen UPHILL to the second floor! Chairs are placed on walls and they stay there!?! Yet, you walk through this house normally?!?! Balls won’t bounce off of the floors?! They hit the floor and roll!?!?! Balloons float down. other heavier items float UP!!



  9. KEVIN BURTON
    5:14 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    DH……your buddy POOP TOOTH called and wants his nuts licked



  10. CatsFan12
    5:16 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    WKU- Where Kentucky Unadmitted



  11. MustangCat
    5:17 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    I also recall visiting a place in Hopkinsville, KY when I was a child. I remember white jackets, block walls, shock thearpy and people throwing poop on me. It was a fun time in life! Just thought I would share!



  12. MustangCat
    5:18 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    I have a confession….I once kissed a man and liked it!



  13. Bizarro
    5:30 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    You left out the strange phenomenon where you have to walk UP the stairs to get to the basement in buildings on the WKU campus.



  14. DH
    5:34 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    Kevin, thanks for proving my point.



  15. DH
    5:35 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    Kevin, so Poop tooth called you to have his nuts licked? do you do that for him a lot?



  16. WKU alum
    5:51 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    This was extremely funny. Well Done!



  17. nflJohn
    5:52 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    Please WKU destroy the most annoying school in America tomorrow!



  18. ToppersWin
    5:54 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    This was pretty funny. Genuinely did enjoy the satire.



  19. KEVIN BURTON
    6:20 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    I just admitted that The Bloody Booger will eat the UK fans children and no one caught it. Ha. @nflJohn I wish we could destroy Louisville but they’re to afraid to play us. They have to play EKU to actually get a win.



  20. @nflJohn
    6:23 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    I meant I hope Western would self implode.



  21. nflJohn
    6:25 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    I meant UK but I’ll give you that Louisville is far worse.



  22. Hiring Petrino was a bad ideal
    6:30 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    When he wrecks again him and his new girl Big Red will never stop sliding till he hits a wall.



  23. WKU-UK -Alum
    6:33 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    As a WKU alum, I actually came close to LOL’ing several times in that article 🙂 Well played sir. It’s almost not a joke that everything is uphill there though… Should be a fun game! And btw, that Big Red Monster was recently the inaugural member of the Capital One Mascot Challenge Hall of Fame and ESPN loves him. The UK mascots could take some notes to be sure 🙂



  24. Big Red
    6:40 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    When they put me in they told me I had to understand that it was so people would have someone to make fun of a hundred years from now.



  25. Jjbalaan
    7:02 pm August 30, 2013 Permalink

    John carpenter the director is a wku alum btw. Nice research.