Hello, friends! I’ve missed spending the last many Wednesdays with you. I hope that in this time we’ve been apart, your lives have been moving along swimmingly. Did you have some work done? You look at least four years younger. I swear. I’m not just saying that. You really do look terrific. You simply must give me the number of your personal trainer.
The last year and a half we’ve been apart has been a hectic one for me. You see, a couple of elderly Wall Street billionaires thought it would be interesting to take their well-heeled trust fund nephew and strip him of all his inheritance. I was living on the streets at the time, and they chose me to receive all of his money and introduced me to the world of high-finance society. Then I teamed with the defrocked heir to turn the tables on the billionaires. It all turned out hilariously, I assure you. You probably read all about it in the newspapers or on your internet-pads. But that’s neither here nor there.
Today, let’s turn our attention to a most important matter: the inclusion of Texas A&M into the Southeastern Conference. True, we all saw it coming a mile away, but still lingering questions remain. What do we truly know about these Texans? Can they be trusted? Are they aware that it’s not advisable to wear cowboy boots on a basketball court, because that can really scuff up the finish? Today, let’s focus on these pressing queries in a piece we’ll call, for lack of a better phrase, Frequently Asked Questions: Texas A&M.
What is Texas A&M?
Texas Agricultural and Mechanical University (later shortened to “A&M” after in-state focus groups deemed those words unweildy to pronounce) is a Texas university first founded in 1876 and was the first institution of higher learning in the state. Its motto is Gloriatus No Messus and it is the sixth-largest university in America and home to 18 premier research facilities, fourteen of which are dedicated to the ongoing studies and confirmation of the increased measurements of everything in the state.
What can I study at Texas A&M?
Texas A&M offers over 150 specialized degrees, including Sociology, International Studies, Economics, Boots, Chaw, Advanced Rooting, Advanced Tooting, Square Dancing, Varmint Behavior, Mudflap Design, Spitting, Cussing, Fighting, Hornswaggling, the Foxworthy Hierarchy of Redneck Assessment, Cinematic Analysis of George Strait’s Pure Country and Saloonkeeping, among many others. In-state residents will also be pleased to find that nearly all items on campus are emblazoned with the Texas state flag and at no time will anyone ever stop talking about the great state of Texas.
What can you tell me about student and social life at Texas A&M?
Get ready for fun! Students of the university are welcome to enjoy the many programs and events sponsored weekly by the A&M residential committee, which include line-dancing parties, hoedowns, hootenannies, hoodangs, shindigs and promenades. You may even find your future spouse here (90% of Texas A&M co-ed freshmen are recently divorced, guys!) as our nighttime frog-gigging and many decorated gazebos and open-air parks allow ample opportunity for traditional American courtship the way God intended it. The women of Texas A&M were even featured in Playboy’s 2009 “Women in Petticoats” issue, and Texas Monthly raved that “almost every guy on campus looks like Chris Penn in Footloose.” If you’re lucky, you may get your hand held!
What are sports at Texas A&M like?
If you love sports, you’ll love your time at Texas A&M. Aside from being the reigning national horseshoe champs (Division I), the Aggies boast competitve basketball and football teams, and were recently included in the Southeastern Conference. Our university’s football fans collectively refer to themselves as the “12th Man.” This stems from a 1922 game against Centre college when the team actually called a fan out of the stands to suit up. Thus, Aggie fans pride themselves on always being the “12th Man” in a case that such a moment would be repeated. This has only been implemented since one time, in a 1982 game against Baylor, when student Steven Koch was called into the game by then-coach Jackie Sherrill after reserves were down, and which led to the nearly immediate death of the sophomore as he was not properly equipped in football pads or gear.
Can I bring my gun to Texas A&M?
Of course. How else would you celebrate a particularly great grade on a test or research paper? Or kill coyotes? Or open the door to your dorm room when it’s locked? (Note: if you do not own a gun, a gun will be provided to you at no cost by the Texas A&M Baptist Student Union.)
I’m ready to be an Aggie! How do I sign up?
At Texas A&M, the enrollment process is easy. Simply wire a telegraph by horse to the university’s main office in College Station with your name and address. The next time one of our traveling shows comes through your settlement, a designated recruitment officer will meet with you to evaluate your hat size and rodeo aptitude level. If you fit all requirements, several months later — weather and bandits permitting — a stagecoach delivering your acceptance letter will arrive at your ranch, pueblo or teepee. Good luck!