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FAQ: Texas A&M University


Hello, friends! I’ve missed spending the last many Wednesdays with you. I hope that in this time we’ve been apart, your lives have been moving along swimmingly. Did you have some work done? You look at least four years younger. I swear. I’m not just saying that. You really do look terrific. You simply must give me the number of your personal trainer.

The last year and a half we’ve been apart has been a hectic one for me. You see, a couple of elderly Wall Street billionaires thought it would be interesting to take their well-heeled trust fund nephew and strip him of all his inheritance. I was living on the streets at the time, and they chose me to receive all of his money and introduced me to the world of high-finance society. Then I teamed with the defrocked heir to turn the tables on the billionaires. It all turned out hilariously, I assure you. You probably read all about it in the newspapers or on your internet-pads. But that’s neither here nor there.

Today, let’s turn our attention to a most important matter: the inclusion of Texas A&M into the Southeastern Conference. True, we all saw it coming a mile away, but still lingering questions remain. What do we truly know about these Texans? Can they be trusted? Are they aware that it’s not advisable to wear cowboy boots on a basketball court, because that can really scuff up the finish? Today, let’s focus on these pressing queries in a piece we’ll call, for lack of a better phrase, Frequently Asked Questions: Texas A&M.


What is Texas A&M?

Texas Agricultural and Mechanical University (later shortened to “A&M” after in-state focus groups deemed those words unweildy to pronounce) is a Texas university first founded in 1876 and was the first institution of higher learning in the state. Its motto is Gloriatus No Messus and it is the sixth-largest university in America and home to 18 premier research facilities, fourteen of which are dedicated to the ongoing studies and confirmation of the increased measurements of everything in the state.

What can I study at Texas A&M?

Texas A&M offers over 150 specialized degrees, including Sociology, International Studies, Economics, Boots, Chaw, Advanced Rooting, Advanced Tooting, Square Dancing, Varmint Behavior, Mudflap Design, Spitting, Cussing, Fighting, Hornswaggling, the Foxworthy Hierarchy of Redneck Assessment, Cinematic Analysis of George Strait’s Pure Country and Saloonkeeping, among many others. In-state residents will also be pleased to find that nearly all items on campus are emblazoned with the Texas state flag and at no time will anyone ever stop talking about the great state of Texas.

What can you tell me about student and social life at Texas A&M?

Get ready for fun! Students of the university are welcome to enjoy the many programs and events sponsored weekly by the A&M residential committee, which include line-dancing parties, hoedowns, hootenannies, hoodangs, shindigs and promenades. You may even find your future spouse here (90% of Texas A&M co-ed freshmen are recently divorced, guys!) as our nighttime frog-gigging and many decorated gazebos and open-air parks allow ample opportunity for traditional American courtship the way God intended it. The women of Texas A&M were even featured in Playboy’s 2009 “Women in Petticoats” issue, and Texas Monthly raved that “almost every guy on campus looks like Chris Penn in Footloose.” If you’re lucky, you may get your hand held!

What are sports at Texas A&M like?

If you love sports, you’ll love your time at Texas A&M. Aside from being the reigning national horseshoe champs (Division I), the Aggies boast competitve basketball and football teams, and were recently included in the Southeastern Conference. Our university’s football fans collectively refer to themselves as the “12th Man.” This stems from a 1922 game against Centre college when the team actually called a fan out of the stands to suit up. Thus, Aggie fans pride themselves on always being the “12th Man” in a case that such a moment would be repeated. This has only been implemented since one time, in a 1982 game against Baylor, when student Steven Koch was called into the game by then-coach Jackie Sherrill after reserves were down, and which led to the nearly immediate death of the sophomore as he was not properly equipped in football pads or gear.

Can I bring my gun to Texas A&M?

Of course. How else would you celebrate a particularly great grade on a test or research paper? Or kill coyotes? Or open the door to your dorm room when it’s locked? (Note: if you do not own a gun, a gun will be provided to you at no cost by the Texas A&M Baptist Student Union.)

I’m ready to be an Aggie! How do I sign up?

At Texas A&M, the enrollment process is easy. Simply wire a telegraph by horse to the university’s main office in College Station with your name and address. The next time one of our traveling shows comes through your settlement, a designated recruitment officer will meet with you to evaluate your hat size and rodeo aptitude level. If you fit all requirements, several months later — weather and bandits permitting — a stagecoach delivering your acceptance letter will arrive at your ranch, pueblo or teepee. Good luck!

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

23 Comments for FAQ: Texas A&M University

  1. mocha
    1:05 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    suns out, guns out.

  2. Pitino's Pant Leg
    1:13 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    Like a favorite Lexington adult establishment, this is Pure Gold.

    Why Tomlin isn’t brought onto the KSR show on at least a weekly basis is beyond me.

  3. Jimmy Buffett
    1:16 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    If you have to ask about bringing a gun to TAM, you probably belong in junior college for a couple of years.

  4. Big Blue Monster
    1:21 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    Booga booga booga!

  5. bmack
    1:22 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    Fantastic post.

  6. Spurious
    1:26 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    “A gun will be provided to you at no cost by the Texas A&M Baptist Student Union.” It is said that humor is telling the truth in a slightly different way. And, no, I don’t know who said it, but in this case it sure is funny.

  7. CatsfaninFL
    1:26 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    Nice Post, Tomlin…

  8. the ghost of Bill Hicks
    1:30 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    a fitting welcome to the SEC.

  9. CaliUKFan
    1:32 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    lol good post

  10. SoCalCat
    1:38 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    So that’s why it took so long to join the SEC! Telegraph by horse to the SEC offices… 🙂

  11. ZZbottom
    1:49 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    Let the Trash talk begin!!! Love it!

  12. Johnson
    2:01 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    Thats some good sh*t right there boy.

  13. NL
    2:20 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    That post is going to make some friends

  14. Major
    2:35 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    12, Oh, I’m sure the TAMmies have a sense of humor about things. All in good fun.

  15. shields eyes
    2:43 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    Aggiefan, before you start…we already know that we have a bad football team. And also make sure you all beat Baylor. The entire Big 12 wants you to lose that game.

    3:11 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    How can you not include the pic with the two hotties from A&M?

    3:45 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    The womens basketball team was National Champions last year… something our beloeved Lady Kats have not attained yet..

  18. Ukycats9
    4:02 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    14, “we already know that we have a bad football team”. When did we get upgraded to BAD? Our football team is horrible. Guess you have to take the good with the bad though. Watching UK Football is our punishment for making the Final Four.

  19. Jordan
    6:32 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    As a graduate of Texas A&M and a resident of Lexington I am psyched to be a part of the SEC! I can not wait until next year! Though, I am going to have to get rid of all my blue UK attire now. 🙂

    Great post! Gig ‘Em!!!

  20. BleedingBlueInTexas
    9:55 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    Very funny post…although as a resident of College Station I’m not sure the Aggies have the sense of humor to understand this web site or post. Aggies tend to take themselves waaaaay too serious and tend to be on the boorish side at times…..not all, but many. Many of the girls, while pretty, tend to be on the snobbish side…..not all, but many. To understand TAMU all one has to do is know that Billy Clyde would have a statute had he stayed here as coach.

    Aggies will be a great addition to the SEC simply because I will have a chance to see my beloved blue in Reed Areana. Go CATS!

  21. Aggies&CatsFan
    11:20 pm September 28, 2011 Permalink

    I’m an Aggie (undergraduate degree) and Wildcat (graduate degree + Kentucky born and bred) and let me just say, the Aggies are very easy to make fun of. We will probably be the easiest school to mock (besides Tennessee) in the conference, but you will also learn that we are very good-natured and will play along with it all. We realize that our school’s traditions are crazy and outdated, but that doesn’t stop us from doing them. We like being different. We are passionate about a few things in life: (1) Fightin’ Texas Aggie sports, and (2) beating the hell out of texas university at anything and everything. Now I think we can all agree that any time t.u. loses, it’s a good day. See, we’re already friends.

  22. Gogh Big Bleu
    12:17 am September 29, 2011 Permalink

    Hornswaggling. LOL.

  23. Katbluefan
    10:46 pm September 29, 2011 Permalink

    Myself, I’m just tickled to have A&M in the SEC. My wife went to college in Texas, not A&M but another university, I have family and good friends living in the Lone Star State so welcome to the SEC Texas A&M.