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FAQ: Lamar

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What is Lamar University?

A better question might be “who is Lamar University?” And the answer would be “one of the finest universities run by a single individual in the United States!” Founded in Beaumont, Texas in 1989 by an enthusiastic but unemployed data entry clerk named Lamar Ralston, Lamar University is admittedly funded by the state of Texas through a legal loophole concerning institutes of higher learning. But don’t let that discourage you from embarking on your path to a sometimes-acknowledged degree from Lamar University today!

Where is Lamar University?

Lamar University is located in a two-car garage attached to Lamar’s spacious but humble ranch-style home in the Morgan Park district of lovely Beamont, where curtains separate classrooms from one another. With this unique and intimate setting, students are able to feel like they’re truly getting one-on-one time with Lamar University’s professorial staff, which consists solely of Professor Lamar Ralston. Between classes, students are able to roam the school’s campus, keeping in mind to please stay off the lawn of neighbors on either side, and feel free to make use of the dual-burner gas grill located on the concrete back deck of Lamar’s home. (Please note: in-house bathrooms are only available to current students, and no “number twos.”)

What can I study at Lamar?

At Lamar, the possibilities are endless! In fact, if there is a Wikipedia or web page dedicated to the subject, it is allowable as a major or minor and classwork consists of Professor Ralston reciting the information on these pages to you and quizzing you on it afterward. Your education can soar as high as your professor’s high-speed internet connection will allow! Want to major in Marine Biology? Lamar will ensure that he has bookmarked several pages about aquatic life on his Acer Aspire laptop by the time your classes roll around. Is culinary arts your speed? Lamar will print off several pages from Recipes.com to ensure you a well-rounded curriculum. If you can dream it — and if adequate information about it exists online — you can do it at Lamar University!

What is student life like at Lamar University?

Get ready for a great college experience! Student housing is only available to three students per semester, consisting of Lamar’s spare bedroom with a double bed and semi-finished basement featuring two cots, so register for the drawing early! Though most students commute (please do not block the Greensworths’ driveway), student life is a constant hub of activity, from “movie night” on Lamar’s DVD player featuring the greatest hits of his favorite karate/action film star Jeff Speakman to “club activities” like landscaping, painting and grocery shopping. And ladies, don’t worry if Lamar makes a “move” on you — student/teacher relations have been ruled permissible by Lamar’s judicial board (Lamar Ralston).

What sports can I play at Lamar?

Lamar has a number of sports available, with equipment found readily in the utility closet. Lawn Darts and half of a cornhole set allow for countless hours spent in the “quad” (backyard), and if you have an air pump, the volleyball only has a slow leak. The Lamar Cardinals men’s basketball team, coached by Lamar Ralston, maintains a spontaneous practice schedule (he’ll text you) and held at the Johnstons’ basketball goal only when they aren’t at home.

Why attend Lamar University?

In the hustle and bustle of today’s “major” college campuses, it’s easy to get lost in the mix — and feel like your professor really doesn’t care at all. But at Lamar, this will never be the case; because you pay Lamar personally in cash before each class period, you can see the appreciation in your professor’s eyes each day. Why be one of tens of thousands jockeying for attention on a busy campus when you can be one of forty-two in Lamar Ralston’s well-heated garage? Join the personalized ranks of Lamar University today, where you’re not just a student, you’re a personal friend who may somtimes receive phone calls just to “chat.” You won’t get THAT at a fancy, gigantic school like the University of Kentucky. Good luck, and go Cardinals!

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

24 Comments for FAQ: Lamar



  1. waltahtothealtah
    12:39 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    first



  2. catis
    12:46 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    funny.



  3. GOBIGBLUE
    12:48 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    HAHAHAHAHHA



  4. atlantacat
    12:52 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    Very humorous.



  5. Levi
    12:54 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    If even part of this is true, I don’t see why we scheduled Lamar. All joking aside, this place sounds like it won’t be around for long.



  6. Jones Returns
    1:00 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    nice work



  7. CatFanInVA
    1:07 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    #5…really?



  8. tylerc24
    1:10 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    I know how good UK fans are at internet polls, but this one is wayyyyyy too close

    Featured Poll 11 of 19 on SportsNations polls,

    Who is the best basketball team in Kentucky?

    Kentucky 55%
    Louisville 45%

    http://espn.go.com/sportsnation/polls



  9. bluetooth
    1:17 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    good stuff tomlin . what about the university police dept ? you know the one with officer ralston .



  10. Mike
    1:22 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    C.M.T….A rather stupid post in my most humble…certainly you can make better use of the space u used.



  11. TheRealLamar
    1:28 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink


  12. TheRealLamar
    1:30 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink


  13. Levi
    1:30 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    7-yes really. I’m not super upset or anything. I just think that we shouldn’t play this type of fly by night institution. Why reward that type of thing? Wasn’t trying to make a big deal out of it, though.



  14. Levi
    1:31 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    7-yes really. I’m not super upset or anything. I just think that we shouldn’t play this type of fly by night institution. Why reward that type of thing? Wasn’t trying to make a big deal out of it, though. That’s all.



  15. Levi
    1:32 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    7-yes really. I’m not super upset or anything. I just think that we shouldn’t play this type of fly by night institution. Why reward that type of thing? Wasn’t trying to make a big deal out of it, though. That’s all.

    Go CATS!



  16. KYJohn
    1:52 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    @#8
    At least in KY the margin of victory is greater with UK getting 72% to UL getting 28%!



  17. gameday
    2:04 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    @Levi (13, 14 and 15) I think…think CatfaninVa said “really?” because this post is obviously not true and just trying to be funny. Lamar is not located in a garage and the campus is not this guy’s front yard.



  18. getting old
    2:20 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    Hilarious!!



  19. Michael
    2:34 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    Tomlin’s back in form. Funny stuff.



  20. jr
    2:36 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    14000 students



  21. Thomas Beisner
    2:58 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    Jack Conway went to Lamar?



  22. Alex
    3:21 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    You missed a golden opportunity to post a picture of Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds.



  23. Brother Mouzone
    5:26 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    We’re in Baltimore, Lamar. Baltimore, Maryland.



  24. nolablue
    5:37 pm December 28, 2011 Permalink

    Did y’all know what Lamar was once called “South Park Junior College”?

    Y’cain’t make this stuff up!