What is Lamar University?
A better question might be “who is Lamar University?” And the answer would be “one of the finest universities run by a single individual in the United States!” Founded in Beaumont, Texas in 1989 by an enthusiastic but unemployed data entry clerk named Lamar Ralston, Lamar University is admittedly funded by the state of Texas through a legal loophole concerning institutes of higher learning. But don’t let that discourage you from embarking on your path to a sometimes-acknowledged degree from Lamar University today!
Where is Lamar University?
Lamar University is located in a two-car garage attached to Lamar’s spacious but humble ranch-style home in the Morgan Park district of lovely Beamont, where curtains separate classrooms from one another. With this unique and intimate setting, students are able to feel like they’re truly getting one-on-one time with Lamar University’s professorial staff, which consists solely of Professor Lamar Ralston. Between classes, students are able to roam the school’s campus, keeping in mind to please stay off the lawn of neighbors on either side, and feel free to make use of the dual-burner gas grill located on the concrete back deck of Lamar’s home. (Please note: in-house bathrooms are only available to current students, and no “number twos.”)
What can I study at Lamar?
At Lamar, the possibilities are endless! In fact, if there is a Wikipedia or web page dedicated to the subject, it is allowable as a major or minor and classwork consists of Professor Ralston reciting the information on these pages to you and quizzing you on it afterward. Your education can soar as high as your professor’s high-speed internet connection will allow! Want to major in Marine Biology? Lamar will ensure that he has bookmarked several pages about aquatic life on his Acer Aspire laptop by the time your classes roll around. Is culinary arts your speed? Lamar will print off several pages from Recipes.com to ensure you a well-rounded curriculum. If you can dream it — and if adequate information about it exists online — you can do it at Lamar University!
What is student life like at Lamar University?
Get ready for a great college experience! Student housing is only available to three students per semester, consisting of Lamar’s spare bedroom with a double bed and semi-finished basement featuring two cots, so register for the drawing early! Though most students commute (please do not block the Greensworths’ driveway), student life is a constant hub of activity, from “movie night” on Lamar’s DVD player featuring the greatest hits of his favorite karate/action film star Jeff Speakman to “club activities” like landscaping, painting and grocery shopping. And ladies, don’t worry if Lamar makes a “move” on you — student/teacher relations have been ruled permissible by Lamar’s judicial board (Lamar Ralston).
What sports can I play at Lamar?
Lamar has a number of sports available, with equipment found readily in the utility closet. Lawn Darts and half of a cornhole set allow for countless hours spent in the “quad” (backyard), and if you have an air pump, the volleyball only has a slow leak. The Lamar Cardinals men’s basketball team, coached by Lamar Ralston, maintains a spontaneous practice schedule (he’ll text you) and held at the Johnstons’ basketball goal only when they aren’t at home.
Why attend Lamar University?
In the hustle and bustle of today’s “major” college campuses, it’s easy to get lost in the mix — and feel like your professor really doesn’t care at all. But at Lamar, this will never be the case; because you pay Lamar personally in cash before each class period, you can see the appreciation in your professor’s eyes each day. Why be one of tens of thousands jockeying for attention on a busy campus when you can be one of forty-two in Lamar Ralston’s well-heated garage? Join the personalized ranks of Lamar University today, where you’re not just a student, you’re a personal friend who may somtimes receive phone calls just to “chat.” You won’t get THAT at a fancy, gigantic school like the University of Kentucky. Good luck, and go Cardinals!