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Effective Immediately


From: Sloane, Tracy
Subject: Effective Immediately
Date: January 9, 2014
To: PR Team



As you are aware by now, former Louisville Football coach Bobby Petrino will be returning to the University of Louisville as head coach. I don’t need to tell those of you who’ve worked under Petrino’s last stint that he can be a bit of a “handful” from a public relations standpoint. With a checkered career past, both rumored and confirmed, it’s always best to be proactive from our posts. As our colleagues at Arkansas can tell you, it’s very difficult to predict the types of “unique” situations a coach like Coach Petrino will bring to the table, and we are going to need to be prepared for anything that may come down the pike. Better safe than sorry, and we don’t want to get caught unprepared by anything which may happen. Therefore, Gary, Susan and I spent a lot of time last night brainstorming — for our own safekeeping, should we require it — a set of guidelines to deal with these press rumors and possible situations. Please always consult this set of guidelines FIRST when dealing with an anticipated situation or rumor, and if it’s not covered here we can decide then how to proceed. Thanks.



Situation: Press is Negative about Coach Petrino’s New Hiring
Appropriate PR Response: “Regardless of what you may have perceived in the past, the University of Louisville is very excited for the return of Coach Petrino and we are thrilled to meet Louisville Football’s next chapter of tradition and success with him at the helm.”


Situation: Coach Petrino Rumored to be Considering Leaving the Program Again
Appropriate PR Response: “Be assured that Coach Petrino is very happy with the state of Louisville Football and his role as head coach and he has expressed to us that he intends to remain here for a very long time.”


Situation: Coach May be Secretly Interviewing with Other Football Programs
Appropriate PR Response: “Coach Petrino is very happy with the state of Louisville Football and there is no confirmed truth to any rumor that he is interviewing elsewhere at this juncture. He is excited about moving forward with his program.”


Situation: Coach is Rumored to have Been Unfaithful to His Spouse
Appropriate PR Response: “Coach Petrino and his wife have a wonderful relationship, despite past ups and downs, and their marriage is stronger than ever.”


Situation: Several Suspect Text Messages to an Alleged Mistress are Published in Media
Appropriate PR Response: “The texts attributed to Coach Petrino are not his, as Coach Petrino’s cell phone was stolen on the weekend of [DATE].”


Situation: Coach Petrino Hires Two Hooters Waitresses to Staff
Appropriate PR Response: “Marissa and Crystal are both diligent, hard-working and qualified candidates to head up the University of Louisville’s Running Backs coaching staff, and we wish former Assistant Coach Kenny Carter the best in his future endeavors.”


Situation: Several Racy Emails Directed to Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor are Published in Media
Appropriate PR Response: “While Coach Petrino has nothing but the utmost respect for Justice Sotomayor and her notable rulings in the fields of civil and property rights, the two are simply longtime friends. That’s all.”


Situation: Coach Petrino and Coach Pitino are Discovered to have been Contestants on the 2001 Reality Program Love Cruise
Appropriate PR Response: “Coaches Pitino and Petrino regret their decisions to have appeared on the program, as both were going through rocky times in their lives and marriages. It should also be noted that Coach Pitino donated his winning prize money to charity and never said he ‘loved’ Dakota; the latter was manufactured in editing.”


Situation: Coach Petrino Crashes a Motorcycle
Appropriate PR Response: “We will keep you updated on Coach’s health and this situation as events develop.”


Situation: Coach Petrino Crashes a Hot Air Balloon
Appropriate PR Response: “While it is true that Coach Petrino had not completed all of the ballooning hours required to pilot a hot air balloon solo, the situation is being ruled a manufacturer’s error and not the fault of the operator.”


Situation: Coach Petrino Crashes a Garbage Truck
Appropriate PR Response: “We are looking into how Coach Petrino may have acquired a garbage truck and will keep you updated on the conditions of Coach Petrino and Justice Sotomayor.”


Situation: Louisville Wins a BCS Championship
Appropriate PR Response: “We are all very proud of Coach Petrino and especially the hard work of Crystal and Marissa, without whom this championship wouldn’t be possible. ”

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

42 Comments for Effective Immediately

  1. Fan base
    1:09 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    Hmmmmmmmmmm. Not exactly sure what this post is supposed to be.

  2. RUPPS_rhetoric
    1:11 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    Tomlin brings it again! Love it!

  3. KSR loves UofL
    1:18 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    Well at least this will give UK a better chance at finally beating WKU in football…………………………NOT!

    • bringith
      1:33 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      Did you just say “not” in response to your own comment? Wow. Absolutely incredible.
      What an idiot

  4. spookykim
    1:28 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    And you thought that UL doesn’t like KSR?! Look at this present they’ve given you! Wrapped in a big red bow!

  5. Bobby Petrino
    1:30 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    No where on Card Chronicle is there any mention of what sUcK does or doesn’t do. Yet, on this page (Kentucky’s Stupid Rednecks) all you dopes do is talk about your big brother up I-64.

    Pathetic reaction by a bunch of Slapdicks if you ask me.

    • bringith
      1:35 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      You wouldn’t be on this site if you weren’t worried about what’s going on with UK. Sounds like card chronicle needs an upgrade.

    • St Ronnie was a moron
      1:44 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      I think that one only goes there for the pictures

    • LouisvilleLiars
      2:51 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      really no mention of UK on Card Chronicle? maybe not today, but KSR has linked that site a few times when they were talking about UK. Hell someone linked it in the comments section yesterday…linked a post where Louisville fans were having a meltdown thinking UK was gonna hire Petrino before Stoops came. All the comments talked about how desperate that would make us, how we would do anything not to be a bottom dweller, yadda yadda yadda.

    • Al/in/Indy
      3:31 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      If you have any Tard friends just remember they help keep the employment rolling. First you have to tell the situation, then you have someone to draw the situation, and last but not least you have to have someone EXPLAIN the situation in a way that 7 year graduate at uvel can understand!

  6. Blueneck
    1:32 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    Go to
    On the front page it is titled “What were they thinking?” (Talking about Petrino hire)

    • St Ronnie was a moron
      1:46 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      Love the first few lines of that article:

      Under former coach Charlie Strong, the Louisville football team’s “core values” were out in the open for everyone to see. On wallpaper outside the Cardinals’ team meeting room, Strong listed the five things he most expected from his players:

      1. Honesty
      2. Treat women with respect
      3. No drugs
      4. No stealing
      5. No guns

      Anyone have an eraser?

  7. Mr. Self Destruct
    1:36 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    *Sigh*. Tomlin, you’ve lost it. I broke my little toe yesterday, and it was funnier than this post. Really, just concentrate on school.

  8. James K
    1:56 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    Why do they have kick drum mics in that group?

    • Piggydrummerrex
      3:06 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      Bah ha. I was thinking the same thing. Why is there a AKG D112 and a Shure Beta 52 up there? In no instance would you use a kick mic for any sort of vocal application.

  9. Jesus
    2:12 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    That’s a pretty nice little mic cabinet there. Trying to figure out what mic that is in front of the sm81.

    2:21 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    Hey you guys should consider starting a football program at Kentucky. You could have twice the laughs……….at least

    • Kragthorp helped us keep the series [email protected]
      9:44 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      Yeah first will hire Hurtt and Shannon so the can buy commitments like Hurtt did for you.

  11. ShagariObrzut
    2:23 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    How exactly will Louisville win a BCS championship? Thought the BCS was over?

  12. Shomari Moore
    2:33 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    This is Gold

  13. Tom Tom Cats Fan
    2:40 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    ESPN reporting that Petrino is currently in New Albany, Indiana secretly interviewing for vacant Vandy job. I cant believe Petrino stayed here as long as he did. Man, he has changed!

  14. sammydog
    2:41 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    This article is one of the funniest on here in a while. Intelligently sarcastic. More please. Do you also write Not Jerry Tipton?

  15. JLP
    2:43 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    Why is KSR being overrun by Loserville fans lately? Trolls everywhere.

    • Bill
      2:52 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      This entire website is a massive Troll. Half if not more of the posts are about Louisville. If you constantly write articles about Louisville, expect Louisville fans to check it out.

    • UNC Athletic Tutor Assn
      3:03 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      Perhaps if the authors on this site would consider using more and larger multisyllabic words, the Crown Royal-drinking crack-smoking Neanderthals who fill the stands of Pappa’s Pizza Oven Stadium would return to their GED studies.

    • Bill
      3:08 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      Maybe but then you would lose a large majority of the UK fan base as well.

  16. Bill
    2:50 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    JLP – This entire website is a massive Troll. Half if not more of the posts are about Louisville. If you constantly write articles about Louisville, expect Louisville fans to check it out.

    • Bigger Blue
      3:14 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      Bill, we heard you the first time… what’s up with you? You on the Petrino once is not enough plan?

    • Bill
      3:22 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      I didn’t see the reply button initially, so I felt the need to correct it after the fact. I am not on the Petrino bandwagon whatsoever, so I have decided to take out my frustrations with the hiring of Bobby by trolling on KSR.

    • Troll Buster
      3:30 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      There are much more productive ways to take out your frustration… like riding a Harley, Riding a Volleyball Player being a player riding a volleyball player on a Harley, or you could be like Bobby and just leave… again!!

  17. sammydog
    3:10 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    KSR is always full of Card fans regardless of the topic. They are on here in full force after a loss by UK. When they win they come on here to crow. The trolls on here have been insufferable all year with their “Year of the Cardinal”. Well it has come to a close in embarrassing fashion on several fronts and the athletic dept. has presented KSR with comic gold nuggets that are just too good to resist.

    • Bill
      3:18 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      I will admit every fan based sports site suffers from its share of Trolls. Though if every other article KSR wrote wasn’t about Louisville, you might not have as many. Plus, since the articles that get the most comments are about Louisville sports, wouldn’t that make this a Cardinal fan site or a site for Trolls.

    • Coach Cal
      3:21 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      Louisville doesn’t exist.

    • Al/in/Indy
      3:43 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      I know!!!!!! It’s a on going comedy of how to do things that are total asinine and yet they keep doing them. From keeping Hurtt, to throwing Behanan off, bringing him back, then kicking him off the team again, Telling fans how Kevin Ware is going to be an important part of the puzzle to get back to the FF only to red shirt him, and then Hiring a man who burned so many bridges on his way to Atlanta, that Jurrich has to rehire him again….You can’t make this up…..I think they should rename uvel…..Comedy Central

  18. Meh..
    3:21 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    Definitely not Tomlin’s worst work, but still not good.

  19. Stop it
    3:31 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    What you people (the ones complaining about the Louisville posts) fail to realize is that the more people that come on this site translates to more money in Matt’s pocket. This is a business decision. I have friends that are U of L fans that complain about KSR’s “short sided” views, and overkill U of L jokes that they post on here all the time. What they fail to realize is the double F-U that Matt is giving them. Not only is he making fun of U of L and their fans, but those same fans are paying him to do it. He didn’t start this site to appease everybody. He started it to do something he enjoyed and MAKE MONEY. How can you blame him for that?

    • Bll
      4:01 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      I totally agree but the people actually complaining the most are UK fans. They complain about the constant U of L posts or the Louisville trolls. You want to reduce the number of U of L trolls, reduce the number of U of L posts. See the real joke is on the UK fans hoping to get some insider info on the CATS because the site has decided it is more profitable to run constant articles and pop shots at the team down the road. So instead of a comment section filled with discussion topics about UK, it is filled with people taking pop shots at which fan base is dumber.

    • Alum
      4:38 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

      Bll I agree, what people don’t understand is KSR has always been a goofy site filled with college humor. That’s why it became popular around campus then blew up from there. The people that come to this site has grown and changed but KSR is still doing its thing for the most part. Its annoying when people come here and then complain because the site doesn’t do things the way they think they should. If people want in depth analysis of UK basktball there are other sites they can find that at.

  20. blueboy
    9:38 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    I heard Rick and Bobby are trying to Karen release on shock probation. They probably will be trying to double date alot now they are both together again and can keep the story straight between those two.

  21. Any National Championships
    9:49 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    Actually the statement should have been. At this time the NCAA is currently investigating Shannon and Hurtts involvement in the recruitment of several players going back to the Teddy Bridgewater class. We are confident the extra income, cars, drugs, and hookers they recieved had nothing to do with their commitment.

  22. Blue mama
    10:28 pm January 9, 2014 Permalink

    L1C4. Liars first, cheaters 4ever. Now the weasel and the worm are reunited. Throw integrity out the door. Unbelievable that the fans refuse to remember how Petrino left them. Fodder for KSR for the next year

  23. You Down With Coach P & P? Yeah You Know Me!
    7:21 am January 10, 2014 Permalink

    You forgot one: Coach Pitino says Coach Petrino will be suspended indefinitely with no timetable for a return, and the University also will be excited to see him on the field next Saturday.