Hello, friends. Friends? Hello? Where did you go? Oh well, then, I – Wait! Oh, you! I didn’t see you hiding in that pile of leaves! You scoundrels. Yes, you got me. Good job. I was surprised.
Friends, as the Big Blue Basketball Machine of 2013 gets rolling and gains momentum, all eyes are on our Cats as they begin to take down some of their pre-SEC opponents en route to what we hope will be another championship season. This time in every schedule is fun, as well, because we get to play against some foes we’re not as comfortable with or knowledgeable about — like the UNC-Asheville Bulldogs. Of course we all know Asheville, NC as not only the world’s mountain hippie capital (you may recall Drew’s write-up of the town from our Peach Jam trip earlier this year), but it’s also a lovely Smoky Mountain which houses our next opponents. But how much do we really know about the school and its student base? Today, let’s look through UNC-Asheville’s website to see what we can glean about the mighty Bulldogs in a piece we’ll call DOSSIER: UNC-Asheville. Maybe we’ll all learn something. Enjoy, folks, and I’ll see you all again here next week. Have a great weekend.
Welcome to UNC-Asheville! We hope you brought your hiking boots as you’re about to climb two mighty mountains: one formed by North America’s natural topography and one of knowledge. There’s so much to see and do beyond these hallowed halls, and you’ll find yourself enjoying the beauty of both nature and education as you embark on your journey as a student.
Get to know these faces, young students! These are the friendly faces of your UNC-Asheville Student Government Association. They’re a happy, helpful bunch and ready to help you assimilate to your UNC-Asheville experience seamlessly. They also govern wisely and mostly fairly; please note that Chet, in the front row, always has a vote “for sale” if the price is right.
These students are members of UNC-Asheville’s “Virtual Lincoln Project,” which combines Lincoln’s personal history, national significance and recognized wisdom to create a terrifying, all-seeing CGI Lincoln face to voice his disapproval or approval of your individual life choices. Do not anger the Virtual Lincoln or the electric shocks you may cause physical harm and may result in expulsion from the university.
Dorm life at UNC-Asheville! Residence life at UNC-Asheville provides all the amenities of home. Here we see a happy Mills Hall student not only enjoying his state-of-the-art dormitory life but also conducting a valuable lesson in how not to effectively woo members of the opposite sex. Get with the program, Brad!
I said “Get with the program, Brad!” Seriously, dude. C’mon.
Learning is cool at UNC-Asheville! Your kind-of-pretty but smart girlfriend can help you with your studies until she meets a nerdy but nice guy with a bunch of misfit friends, and then you can challenge her new nerdy suitor to a ski race down Widow’s Mountain where you’re certain to win until his ragtag buddies can find smart and inventive ways to help him beat you and humilate you in front of all your other cool, rich friends. But look on the bright side: you’ll definitely pass History class!
Meet new colleagues, make new connections and lay the groundwork for wonderful friendships for years to come at UNC-Asheville! The relationships you build at UNC-Asheville will be among the most rewarding of your life. Also, these two young women have not been seen since October 14, 2012. If you have any information about them please contact the public safety department of UNC-Asheville or the Asheville Police Department directly.
The UNC-Asheville Department of Music is on the forefront of new genres of music, as indicated by the faces studying at UNCA’s innovative Bob Moog Electronic Music Studio. Can’t grow a beard? That’s okay, a toboggan will suffice. No worries at UNC-Asheville! As these students might say, “It’s all good!” Or, alternately, “Arcade Fire rules.”
The UNC-Asheville Homecoming parade is always a great time full of exciting entertainment! Grab a hot dog, secure a place along the parade route and be on the front row as a weirdo in a leotard urinates all over the hood of an automobile. GO BULLDOGS!
Speaking of bulldogs, don’t forget to stop by the Alumni Booth before every game to french kiss UNCA mascot Rocky the Bulldog for luck. Rocky is no longer being treated for histoplasmosis, and we do regret any medical inconveniences suffered by students during the 2012-13 basketball season. If you or one of your friends suffered symptoms, please be aware that a class action lawsuit may yield monetary reimbursements for medical attention required.
When in the mountains, go mountain biking! The members of the UNC-Asheville Mountain Biking Club are always seeking new members, although please be aware that the members of UNCAMBC are currently under investigation following a string of severe beatings in the rural mountains surrounding Asheville. But hey: if you’re not with the UNCAMBC, you’re against them, right?
Whether you majored in hair color design, condescending looks or holding cameras the correct way, graduation day will be a day you’ll long remember as you leave UNC-Asheville and head out into the world. So get those beards, hula hoops and Teva sandals ready for a lifetime of success to come when you receive a valuable UNCA education. We can’t wait to meet you!