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DOSSIER: UNC-Asheville

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Hello, friends. Friends? Hello? Where did you go? Oh well, then, I – Wait! Oh, you! I didn’t see you hiding in that pile of leaves! You scoundrels. Yes, you got me. Good job. I was surprised.

Friends, as the Big Blue Basketball Machine of 2013 gets rolling and gains momentum, all eyes are on our Cats as they begin to take down some of their pre-SEC opponents en route to what we hope will be another championship season. This time in every schedule is fun, as well, because we get to play against some foes we’re not as comfortable with or knowledgeable about — like the UNC-Asheville Bulldogs. Of course we all know Asheville, NC as not only the world’s mountain hippie capital (you may recall Drew’s write-up of the town from our Peach Jam trip earlier this year), but it’s also a lovely Smoky Mountain which houses our next opponents. But how much do we really know about the school and its student base? Today, let’s look through UNC-Asheville’s website to see what we can glean about the mighty Bulldogs in a piece we’ll call DOSSIER: UNC-Asheville. Maybe we’ll all learn something. Enjoy, folks, and I’ll see you all again here next week. Have a great weekend.

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Welcome to UNC-Asheville! We hope you brought your hiking boots as you’re about to climb two mighty mountains: one formed by North America’s natural topography and one of knowledge. There’s so much to see and do beyond these hallowed halls, and you’ll find yourself enjoying the beauty of both nature and education as you embark on your journey as a student.

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Get to know these faces, young students! These are the friendly faces of  your UNC-Asheville Student Government Association. They’re a happy, helpful bunch and ready to help you assimilate to your UNC-Asheville experience seamlessly. They also govern wisely and mostly fairly; please note that Chet, in the front row, always has a vote “for sale” if the price is right.

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These students are members of UNC-Asheville’s “Virtual Lincoln Project,” which combines Lincoln’s personal history, national significance and recognized wisdom to create a terrifying, all-seeing CGI Lincoln face to voice his disapproval or approval of your individual life choices. Do not anger the Virtual Lincoln or the electric shocks you may cause physical harm and may result in expulsion from the university.

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Dorm life at UNC-Asheville! Residence life at UNC-Asheville provides all the amenities of home. Here we see a happy Mills Hall student not only enjoying his state-of-the-art dormitory life but also conducting a valuable lesson in how not to effectively woo members of the opposite sex. Get with the program, Brad!

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I said “Get with the program, Brad!” Seriously, dude. C’mon.

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Learning is cool at UNC-Asheville! Your kind-of-pretty but smart girlfriend can help you with your studies until she meets a nerdy but nice guy with a bunch of misfit friends, and then you can challenge her new nerdy suitor to a ski race down Widow’s Mountain where you’re certain to win until his ragtag buddies can find smart and inventive ways to help him beat you and humilate you in front of all your other cool, rich friends. But look on the bright side: you’ll definitely pass History class!

Admissions-Other-Students

Meet new colleagues, make new connections and lay the groundwork for wonderful friendships for years to come at UNC-Asheville! The relationships you build at UNC-Asheville will be among the most rewarding of your life. Also, these two young women have not been seen since October 14, 2012. If you have any information about them please contact the public safety department of UNC-Asheville or the Asheville Police Department directly.

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The UNC-Asheville Department of Music is on the forefront of new genres of music, as indicated by the faces studying at UNCA’s innovative Bob Moog Electronic Music Studio. Can’t grow a beard? That’s okay, a toboggan will suffice. No worries at UNC-Asheville! As these students might say, “It’s all good!” Or, alternately, “Arcade Fire rules.”

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The UNC-Asheville Homecoming parade is always a great time full of exciting entertainment! Grab a hot dog, secure a place along the parade route and be on the front row as a weirdo in a leotard urinates all over the hood of an automobile. GO BULLDOGS!

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Speaking of bulldogs, don’t forget to stop by the Alumni Booth before every game to french kiss UNCA mascot Rocky the Bulldog for luck. Rocky is no longer being treated for histoplasmosis, and we do regret any medical inconveniences suffered by students during the 2012-13 basketball season. If you or one of your friends suffered symptoms, please be aware that a class action lawsuit may yield monetary reimbursements for medical attention required.

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When in the mountains, go mountain biking! The members of the UNC-Asheville Mountain Biking Club are always seeking new members, although please be aware that the members of UNCAMBC are currently under investigation following a string of severe beatings in the rural mountains surrounding Asheville. But hey: if you’re not with the UNCAMBC, you’re against them, right? UNCA_Commencement

Whether you majored in hair color design, condescending looks or holding cameras the correct way, graduation day will be a day you’ll long remember as you leave UNC-Asheville and head out into the world. So get those beards, hula hoops and Teva sandals ready for a lifetime of success to come when you receive a valuable UNCA education. We can’t wait to meet you!

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

24 Comments for DOSSIER: UNC-Asheville



  1. Linda Taylor
    3:01 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    Not a single hula hoop in any photo? I didn’t think it was possible. Will wonders never cease.



  2. Ridge Runner
    3:03 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    Now that’s a university friends… yes sir.



  3. Cope
    3:07 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    Anyone know what channel the game is on with Dish? I have fox sports south but its not scheduled on there. Syracuse vs Cornell



    • Ridge Runner
      3:39 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

      You do know the game is tomorrow night… right?



    • Kentucky_lady
      5:45 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

      I get Cornell/Syracuse as well tomorrow. It’s on delay at midnight for me. Hooray for live streams.



  4. AnthonyBBN
    3:08 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    I think Chet probably causes problems.



  5. Jesus
    3:25 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    I went to UNCA and graduated from the Music Department and that picture is at least 6 years old because all of those guys graduated around that time. I think having a beard in general is a requirement to live in WNC (I had one while I lived in AVL). Rocky (the school mascot) actually passed away over the summer and I don’t think we have another live mascot at this time, but there’s always the bulldog statue in front of the gym that you could smooch.

    Now as far as academics are concerned we’re LIGHT YEARS ahead of UK.

    Everything else is pretty much right on except there were no pot references (for example the mascot’s name used to be Stoney the Bulldog before it became Rocky…).

    Good work Tomlin.



    • Nice Insult
      4:19 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

      “Now as far as academics are concerned we’re LIGHT YEARS ahead of UK.”

      The sweet, sweet irony. Light years is a measurement of distance, not time.



    • Limp wrist
      10:39 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

      Apparently UNCA’s photography dept. is light years behind, as that is not the proper way to hold a camera for a portrait shot.



  6. tyson
    3:28 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    Excellent Post Tomlin!

    Asheville is the liberal capital of the South. Went there on vacation once and was having a nice lunch on a patio with my girlfriend. Enjoyed the conversation of two homeless men about 6 feet away from discussing a female homeless person they exchanged drugs for sex with the night before. All this while they were smoking cigarette butts they found on the ground. I won’t be going back to Asheville. They LOOOOOVE their homeless people.



    • Jesus
      3:39 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

      Fun fact about Asheville’s homeless problem: Bigger SE cities like Atlanta will buy homeless people buss tickets to Asheville just to get them out of their city.



    • Atlanta
      4:04 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

      Actually Jesus we only did that before the Olympics came to town in 1996. It just wasn’t just to Asheville it was practically anywhere they wanted to go.



    • Jesus
      4:30 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

      Actually Atlanta that still happens, but 96 is when it started and other cities have since joined in on the fun.



    • Atlanta
      8:07 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

      Well works for me. Wondered why so many bums hang out down around Greyhound. I’m more than happy to get the bums out of here. Atlanta’s crime rate is the lowest it’s been in 40 years.



  7. Axe Cop
    3:32 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    Asheville is a great town. Lots of excellent restaurants, beer spots (Highland is a must), and beautiful natural scenery.



  8. wes78
    3:47 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    Asheville in the summertime is great. Last time we went, they had about 10 microbreweries there and decent music scene. You will absolutely get pan-handled on every street though. Other than that, it would be a great town to live in or attend college.



  9. Turntable
    3:49 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    Who was it last year saying that this was a gross, hippie, commune where everyone smoked weed, and therefore was out of touch with reality?



  10. Ridge Runner
    3:57 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    Everyone ready.. 1 & 2 & 1 &…

    Someone’s laughing, Lord, kumbaya
    Someone’s laughing, Lord, kumbaya
    Someone’s laughing, Lord, kumbaya
    Oh Lord, kumbayaaaaahhh

    –ok, sorry



  11. bluetooth
    4:04 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    #6 jesus , academics light years ahead of UK ? got some stats to back that up ? is your basketball team also on that plane ? hahahahaha



    • Jesus
      4:29 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

      Consistently Top 10 public liberal arts university. And I’m a UK fan (although I cheer for the Bulldogs when they aren’t playing the Cats). Considering Asheville has a brand new head coach this year with 0 experience and Atkinson graduated it’s going to be a blood bath.



  12. Al/in/Indy
    4:38 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    I think Chet could be gay….NOT that there is anything wrong with that, but in the second picture it seems the lady in the yellow shirt motioning Chet to GET THIS PARTY STARTED! And the only hammering Chet is doing is on the key board. Just saying!



  13. Mrs. Garrett
    6:38 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    I enjoyed this more than anything I’ve read all week. More like this please.



  14. Ned Tugent
    6:56 pm November 7, 2013 Permalink

    I would like to see the virtual Lincoln meet the virtual Tu Pac.



  15. Matt
    8:19 am November 8, 2013 Permalink

    Dumb. Everything on this site is dumb.