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Changes to UK Strength Training Schedule (Effective Immediately)


From: Ray “Rock” Oliver, Strength Coach
To: Kentucky Men’s Basketball Coaching Staff, Men’s Basketball Team
Re: Changes to Strength Training Schedule (Effective Immediately)

July 24, 2013

Coaching Staff and Players,

As you’re by now probably aware, hot yoga has recently been added to the pre-season regimen. This suggestion recently came to us from former player Randall Cobb, who recommended it as a worthwhile way to strengthen muscle control and elasticity. We’ve done the research and run the numbers and the statistical results seem to be there, so we feel like it is a good addition to the training schedule. This “alternative approach” to strengthening and agility has spurred our staff to look into some other possibilities which we will be adding to the schedule in the near future. These will include:

Below-Zero Zumba: Combining the muy caliente moves of hip-hop and samba dance with the muscle-tightening physiology of movement in sub-freezing temperatures, this technique will help to replicate the feeling of tensed muscle which continually need loosening. Once the body is trained with a sense memory to continually be in the process of loosening these muscles at all times the body can begin to perform at its most peak level. Parkas will be provided.

Underwater Jazzercise: A proven fusion of jazz dance and resistance training, each sixty-minute underwater jazzercise session will include intermitten air breaks and waterproof earphones as you both melt away the pounds and create your body into a stronger, leaner machine to the tunes of acclaimed jazzercise musicians The Hugh Price Experience and Quiet Fire.

Crab soccer: Supporting limber joints and muscles is key to preparing your body for the season ahead, so a round-robin crab soccer tournament will begin on August 7 and continue in a double-elimination fashion in heats until August 29. This is not a place for laughing and horsing around. Horsing around will begin on September 4.

Horsing around: Tapping into the feral nature of athleticism, we will engage in exercises designed to connect to your spirit horse, a free creature pushing its endurance to the limit as it tames the open fields of your mind. These exercises will both include emulation of and connection to the unbridled horse which lives inside your soul.

-Spinning: Stationary bicycle riding with a weighted flywheel at increasing intervals.

-Spinning: Spinning around in the dark with glowsticks to ambient chill music as you raise your consciousness to the universe and its many unparalleled wonders.

-Respect to Gaia: No strength and agility would be possible at all without blessings from Earth Mother Goddess Gaia, birth giver to the gods of the sea and sky. Awaken your soul with her abundant gifts and drink from the cup of blessings bestowed upon you while you bask in the loving gratitude of the togetherness of earth and her eternal sustainability. Also three sets of squats.

See you in the weight room!


Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

29 Comments for Changes to UK Strength Training Schedule (Effective Immediately)

  1. Clay
    2:32 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    These posts are almost always unfunny and pointless. Stick to what you do well, and this ain’t it.

    • JC
      2:51 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

      Hey Clay, I like Tomlin’s posts and look forward to them. Go start your own website and shut-up. We don’t need that here. Or you could just skip it. How dificult is that? Just scroll down or is that too complicated for you?

    • hey jc
      5:30 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

      Hey JC, I agree with Clay’s post and dislike these kind of blogs. I just wasted 5 minutes of my life reading this stupid blog post. Since I go on this website everyday I would like to voice my opinion of what I like and dislike about the site. How hard is it to just scroll down past these type of comments or is that too difficult for you?

    • tuxedo park
      5:36 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

      i don’t mind silly posts but at least make them funny. this was not.

    • Hey hey JC
      6:00 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

      Hey, Hey JC, I also like Tomlin’s posts and I like JC’s comments on the posts. Go start your own comment section.

    • KA
      9:01 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

      yeah clay these are some of my favorite posts so shaddup

  2. Derrick
    2:33 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    No shadow boxing, please.

  3. Dave
    2:42 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    I just don’t get this post

    • Scott
      2:43 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

      Oddly enough, I think that is the biggest compliment that Tomlin aims for.

  4. Original MarkyMark
    2:43 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    This reminds me of the cheesy grade school motivational speeches that try really hard to be funny but every time it’s an epic fail, followed with disgust rather than laughter.

  5. Randy #1VOLFAN Jenkins
    2:44 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    Articles like this make me thank the good Lord I’m a VOLS fan and don’t have to be associated with this crap. Nice waste of 5 minutes.

    • JD78
      2:55 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

      So why the hell are you even reading this site?

    • JC
      2:56 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

      Suprised you could read. Any chancy you are related to LeeRoyyyyy!!!!!! Jeeeeeenkins!!! It would explain a lot. A whole lot.

  6. BigBluSoTru
    2:46 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    Cal gets it! I’m sure every other program will now follow Cal’s lead and start this type of off season training. He amazes me how every year, he brings a different way of doing things. His blue print on rand developing players makes Wooden like a elementary school teacher. God bless coach Cal.

    • Dude
      4:42 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

      troll on, bro. troll on.

  7. Ed
    2:46 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    I have commented on almost all of Tomlin’s work in the past, and I’ll admit most of those comments were negative…until last week. When I heard him on the radio show, and matched his personality/voice to his writing, I now find his posts entertaining and funny. I encourage others to go back and listen to the podcasts from early last week to hear him talk and tell jokes. They guy really is funny. With that said, Mr. Tomlin, I owe you an apology for my negativity that I’ve shown you in the past. I’m sorry, and I hope to hear more of you on the radio show. Keep up the good work.

    • JC
      2:54 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

      Tomlin has been consistantly the funniest guy every time he’s on the show. I wish he was on once a week in a segment or two.

  8. JLP
    2:47 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    Great idea, a few chuckles, but not up to the usual Tomlin brilliance. Still, Tomlin my favorite writer who contributes humor rather than information.

  9. theWilkman
    2:50 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    I laughed as soon as I saw the title and author. The body of work did not disappoint.

  10. Original MarkyMark
    2:53 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    Rip-off of The Onion except not funny.

  11. Stu Katz
    2:59 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    Stationary bicycle riding underwater in the pool would actually be an interesting addition.

  12. pfife
    3:01 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    Everyone needs to lay off Tomlin (and Tomlin needs to quit inventing screen names defending these fiascos he writes.)

  13. Big Blue Colonoscopy
    3:47 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    Yup, Andrew Harrison still looks chunky and slow.

    • Big Red Anal Dart
      5:21 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

      Still has more upside than Kevin Hart – I mean, Chris Jones.

  14. Matt Jones
    4:08 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    I would let them all bend me over.

  15. Cayts
    4:59 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    I would love to see the average IQ of all the people who don’t “get” Tomlin and complain about him not being funny. He is an amazing writer with wit and brilliance for days. We’re lucky to have him still writing for this *free* site… he could easily be a best selling writer!

    • tuxedo park
      5:37 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

      thanks mrs. tomlin.

  16. somerset bill
    5:41 pm July 24, 2014 Permalink

    dodge ball. no, seriously.

    i wonder now if dodge ball wasn’t just a way for cal to take out his frustrations on one or two of the players that season.

  17. Craig
    11:14 am July 25, 2014 Permalink

    JC is right. I’m continuously baffled that people think their time is being wasted with a post on anything. If you read this site you should know what to expect from a Tomlin post. If you aren’t smart enough to avoid things in life that you don’t like that is on you, so quit being a jerk and trying to ruin something others clearly enjoy. That would be like hating action movies and constantly watching nothing but action movies. So, Clay and company, read something else if you don’t like it. Oh, and do yourselves a favor and quit wasting more time by posting about it. It is a comedy piece not an editorial to generate conversation.