Date: December 7, 2011
From: Sheriff Bill Waterton
Re: Saturday’s Game
Attention all officers:
As many of you by now know, the Kentucky Wildcats will be traveling into Bloomington on Saturday for a basketball game at Assembly Hall. And they’re going to be bringing that cheating, lying, no-good John Calipari with them. As you may also be aware, Calipari recently sent out a Twitterbook message encouraging UK fans to show up in red with a blue shirt underneath and not to take them off until the intros. Now I don’t know about you, but I will be dag-gummed if I am going to let those bourbon-swilling horse-kissers come into our city and ruin our big day.
Since we have become aware of these malfeasances to be perpetrated on Saturday, I am installing extensive measures of security to positively ensure that those bluegrass-treaders do NOT infiltrate our establishment. They will be sneaking in and attempting to buy tickets and I will promise you that will not happen on this day. Not on my watch.
Please read the following details concerning the additional vigilance to be adhered to on December 10:
I. BORDER PATROL
A mandatory traffic stop will be in place at all major thoroughfares into the city. When surveying automobiles, please be on the lookout for any clues which could indicate Kentuckians on board. These may include:
-Vehicles with Kentucky state plates
-Vehicles with University of Kentucky insignias (bumper stickers, decals, flags)
-Vehicles with BOTH working headlights
-Vehicles NOT towing an empty flatbed trailer
-Vehicles playing music which would not be considered either “country,” “western,” or “country western.” My kids tell me that a rap singer named “Drake” is a dead giveaway, but I am not familiar with him, as I the only music I listen to is Carrie Underwood’s Star-Spangled Banner, which my kids got for me on the computer. Just consider all rap songs a RED FLAG.
II. TICKET SALES
There are often people selling tickets in the vicinity of Assembly Hall in the hours before a game. We should closely monitor these transactions to ensure that these tickets are only being sold to our own. Should you suspect that a University of Kentucky fan is attempting to buy tickets, please use the following interrogation questions (correct answers in parentheses) to assess that the purchaser is an denizen of Indiana :
-May I see your license? (if no license, see below)
-Can you name all 16 letters of the alphabet? (sequentially or otherwise)
-Is Larry Bird a famous Boston Celtic or a famous Indiana Pacers president? (Pacers president)
-Where can you get the best grits? (Aileen’s Kountry Kitchen, in Gas City)
-What is the best episode of The Andy Griffith Show? (The one where Aunt Bee takes flying lessons)
-What’s Junior’s dog’s name? (Cootie)
-Do you love America? (“Hell Yes” only acceptable answer)
III. INSIDE THE ARENA
If it is indeed true that University of Kentucky fans will be attempting to disguise themselves as Hoosier fans, it’s going to be very important to spot true IU fans. The following are acceptable ways in which residents of Indiana dress — please take the time to memorize the images below and detain anyone not dressed in some variation of the following:
As always, please bear in mind that all of the above increased security measures also continue to apply to Kelvin Sampson. With our attention on Saturday, no Kentucky fans will gain entrance into Assembly Hall for what is sure to be a great Hoosier victory. Let’s do our jobs — and afterward I look forward to meeting you all down at the Elk lodge for the euchre tournament. Good luck, and go IU.
Sheriff Bill Waterton
Indiana/Monroe Co. Metro Law Enforcment