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A Memo from the Monroe County Sheriff’s Department

indiana_state_seal

Date: December 7, 2011
From: Sheriff Bill Waterton
To: Staff
Re: Saturday’s Game

Attention all officers:

As many of you by now know, the Kentucky Wildcats will be traveling into Bloomington on Saturday for a basketball game at Assembly Hall. And they’re going to be bringing that cheating, lying, no-good John Calipari with them. As you may also be aware, Calipari recently sent out a Twitterbook message encouraging UK fans to show up in red with a blue shirt underneath and not to take them off until the intros. Now I don’t know about you, but I will be dag-gummed if I am going to let those bourbon-swilling horse-kissers come into our city and ruin our big day.

Since we have become aware of these malfeasances to be perpetrated on Saturday, I am installing extensive measures of security to positively ensure that those bluegrass-treaders do NOT infiltrate our establishment. They will be sneaking in and attempting to buy tickets and I will promise you that will not happen on this day. Not on my watch.

Please read the following details concerning the additional vigilance to be adhered to on December 10:

I. BORDER PATROL

A mandatory traffic stop will be in place at all major thoroughfares into the city. When surveying automobiles, please be on the lookout for any clues which could indicate Kentuckians on board. These may include:
-Vehicles with Kentucky state plates
-Vehicles with University of Kentucky insignias (bumper stickers, decals, flags)
-Vehicles with BOTH working headlights
-Vehicles NOT towing an empty flatbed trailer
-Vehicles playing music which would not be considered either “country,” “western,” or “country western.” My kids tell me that a rap singer named “Drake” is a dead giveaway, but I am not familiar with him, as I the only music I listen to is Carrie Underwood’s Star-Spangled Banner, which my kids got for me on the computer. Just consider all rap songs a RED FLAG.

II. TICKET SALES

There are often people selling tickets in the vicinity of Assembly Hall in the hours before a game. We should closely monitor these transactions to ensure that these tickets are only being sold to our own. Should you suspect that a University of Kentucky fan is attempting to buy tickets, please use the following interrogation questions (correct answers in parentheses) to assess that the purchaser is an denizen of Indiana :
-May I see your license? (if no license, see below)
-Can you name all 16 letters of the alphabet? (sequentially or otherwise)
-Is Larry Bird a famous Boston Celtic or a famous Indiana Pacers president? (Pacers president)
-Where can you get the best grits? (Aileen’s Kountry Kitchen, in Gas City)
-What is the best episode of The Andy Griffith Show? (The one where Aunt Bee takes flying lessons)
-What’s Junior’s dog’s name? (Cootie)
-Do you love America? (“Hell Yes” only acceptable answer)

III. INSIDE THE ARENA

If it is indeed true that University of Kentucky fans will be attempting to disguise themselves as Hoosier fans, it’s going to be very important to spot true IU fans. The following are acceptable ways in which residents of Indiana dress — please take the time to memorize the images below and detain anyone not dressed in some variation of the following:

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As always, please bear in mind that all of the above increased security measures also continue to apply to Kelvin Sampson. With our attention on Saturday, no Kentucky fans will gain entrance into Assembly Hall for what is sure to be a great Hoosier victory. Let’s do our jobs — and afterward I look forward to meeting you all down at the Elk lodge for the euchre tournament. Good luck, and go IU.

Sincerely,
Sheriff Bill Waterton
Indiana/Monroe Co. Metro Law Enforcment

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

35 Comments for A Memo from the Monroe County Sheriff’s Department



  1. Dag Gummit
    1:09 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    2/10



  2. hope
    1:11 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    IU sweater girl is cute…



  3. KentuckyCartographer
    1:13 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    -Vehicles NOT towing an empty flatbed trailer
    -Vehicles playing music which would not be considered either “country,” “western,” or “country western.”

    Both of those two things are much more likely to come from someone in Kentucky than Indiana.



  4. GoCats2
    1:14 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    I found a Huck the Foosiers shirt from the 90’s in my closet. That will be my game shirt this weekend.



  5. Blue Haze
    1:15 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    HILARIOUS!



  6. Cody Zeller
    1:15 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    I thought there were 17 letters in the alphabet? Ohhh, I get it..the “S” is silent. My bad. #IUSucks



  7. GoCats2
    1:16 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    #3 wrong answer, you must not know Indiana very well. More Rednecks than Kentucky could possibly dream of. Indiana has the highest KKK membership in the country.



  8. Cowboy
    1:21 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    Dude, you just insulted Kentuckians with this post



  9. blueblooded
    1:22 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    Nice euchre reference! I had friends that went to IU and that was all they ever played. I had never even heard of it before they went there.



  10. Scratch
    1:22 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    Isn’t profiling against the law? Someone should report this Sheriff Waterton. It isn’t fair to keep all of the Kentucky fans out of the game…much less out of the state. Come on!!!



  11. RidgeRunner
    1:25 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    Good stuff, Tomlin!



  12. RidgeRunner
    1:27 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    Oh…and I prefer the word hillbilly when talking about us Kentuckians. Not redneck…it’s well…I don’t know….It’s more…eh…yeah, just go with hillbilly.



  13. RidgeRunner
    1:31 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    14…dude lighten up.



  14. bluebayou
    1:35 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    7) You’re right about that What is wrong with them don’t they know they’re in the north?



  15. jaaaayyyy
    1:38 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    3/10

    Still love KSR and not gonna hate or complain. Keep up the good work Matt.

  16. The corn costume is hilarious!



  17. RidgeRunner
    1:49 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    21..and just think, thats the day “after” halloween for Polson.

  18. Oh, and Cal was just on Jim Rome at the top of the hour (12 CST). Please post a link to the recording if you can! I missed it!!!



  19. Royal Blue
    1:56 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    If you read the comment sections on Inside The Hall, those Hoosier fans are very optimistic about their chances, analyzing the matchups etc. Wow, delusional as ever.



  20. dhighdrated
    1:59 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    the girl in the IU sweatshirt can wear whatever she wants



  21. RidgeRunner
    2:00 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    27…or nuthin’ at all.



  22. CTownCats
    2:01 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    Did anyone else realize we are getting smoked by Duke and others in the Nike Rise and Roar Challenge?? Link is below. This is simply unacceptable.

    http://www.nike.com/nikeos/p/nikebasketball/en_US/campusroar2011/



  23. Dag Gummit
    2:08 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    29- sick of these websites using UK fans to drive up the number of site hits. There are at least 10 of these stupid polls every week. Who gives a F#[email protected]



  24. Jarweed
    2:09 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    Proves that Tomlin rise from humble beginnings to being the best of KSR was for good reason.



  25. Ha!
    2:15 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    People in here need to lighten up. Go make your own website if you want serious talk 24/7. UK will beat IU on Saturday. Enjoy the ride.



  26. MonsterMash24
    2:18 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    I hope we kick their tails for talking all that silly smack…Dont put IU fans in a position or the refs to dictate this game…Smoke their butts.



  27. Hal
    2:37 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    -Vehicles carrying anything considered to be “culture” including, but not limited to, cd’s, (not coloring) books.



  28. PhilCC
    2:46 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    I think I saw that banana dude in Bloomington a while back. He appeared delusional and quite sad, he has been wandering around the Hoosier State since Mike Flynn shook the nets at the Cream & Crying Crimson early in 1975 on a ladder in Dayton Arena. Someone said his dream had been shattered …c’est la vie



  29. RidgeRunner
    2:50 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    37..Flynn ’75, wow that makes me feel old. Oh yeah, I am.
    🙂

    Same year as a teenager I started really understanding and following Big Blue.



  30. Al's IndiCats
    2:51 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    35, I have to agree with you on SOME things. I went hunting last spring for a trailor so I could cut my M-I-L yard, and I couldn’t find one with sides. And they was wanting premium prices for them. But there again that was In Indy. My son in law listens to CW music all the time and hell he’s 30 years younger. Give me rock n roll or give me a case of beer! I can listen to CW drunk!



  31. CatFanInHoosierLand
    2:51 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    Great… now that 5.0 is on the lookout for Kentucky fans, please don’t tell me I won’t be the only one there.



  32. floydfan
    2:56 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    Only sure sign a car is from Indiana; it is driving 20 MPH is the left lane of the interstate. Also applies to people from Mercer and Boyle counties.



  33. Al's IndiCats
    3:03 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    JUst read that 3 ESPN writers are saying IU is going to beat UK Saturday. I sure hope Cal lets them see this article.



  34. ???
    3:13 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    Indiana douchers



  35. mike burks
    5:20 pm December 7, 2011 Permalink

    Indiana hates UK fans but not the KKK. AND we’re the backwoods people?