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A Letter from the University of Wisconsin Dean of Students

Dear Students,

Good morning! I hope everyone is well and enjoying the lovely Wisconsin spring weather. Hopefully we will only get two inches of snow today, so I’m sure I will see many of you outside studying in the park!

A couple of notes as you start your blessed Thursday at the University of Wisconsin:

-The annual Sans-a-Belt Slacks job fair will be held in Grainger Hall from 2-4 pm today. It’s a great opportunity to get in on the ground floor of an industry we can all agree isn’t going anywhere anytime soon and I encourage you to stop by. The Hostrawser Food Wholesale Group job fair has been moved to April 16 and the Schlitz Brewing Company meet-n-greet will be on April 22.

-We heard your requests and saw your petitions — so get your dancing shoes on because Richard Marx and Peter Cetera are coming to Union Theater on April 12th! We hope you’ll be “Right Here Waiting” because “If You Leave Me Now” then I guess we “Should’ve Known Better!” Like Richard Marx, the UW Student Diversity and Cheese Temperature Regulation Union won’t stop until you’re “Satisfied,” so you can thank them when you see them on campus today.

-A pair of white men’s PONY sneakers were found in the lobby of Dejope Hall on Wednesday. Please visit the student union to retrieve them if these are yours:


-The Department of Public Safety has been alerted to the fact that rock and roll music has been playing in some of the residence halls. As science has proven, this leads to devil worship. Please refrain from such music.

As you undoubtedly know, this weekend marks another Final Four matchup between our own beloved Wisconsin Badgers and the undefeated Kentucky Wildcats. What a rivalry! Finally we have the opportunity to vindicate our loss to them last year. How exciting! I think we are all in agreement that this will be a real hoot!

This is also a great opportunity for UW students to show the nation how respectful they can be. As such, I’d like to point out some appropriate clothing and hairstyles for those of you traveling to the big city of Indianapolis on Saturday. If you will be headed to the Final Four, please stop by the Dean’s Office for a pamphlet on the subject.


To celebrate the Badgers, all day Saturday Van Allen’s Drug Store next to the Woolworth in Madison will be serving cherry malteds for a nickel apiece. Stop by and enjoy one! If you have more than one, as always, we encourage you not to drive. Buzzed driving is dangerous!

For those of you staying in Madison, the game will be broadcast on the Columbia Broadcasting System. For information on how to receive the Columbia Broadcasting System please ask your telephone operator to connect you to Comcast at phone number Greenfield-85998. If you are listening by transceiver the game will be available on the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network.

Also, please remember that if you meet or are aware of a known communist or communist sympathizer it is important to report him or her immediately to the UW Department of Anti-American Affairs. The Red Menace is real.

Have a great day, Students! And Go Badgers!

Henderson Baldwin
Dean of Students, University of Wisconsin

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

6 Comments for A Letter from the University of Wisconsin Dean of Students

  1. EdC
    3:28 pm April 2, 2015 Permalink

    Wow this is bad. Like when a 6th grader thinks they are being clever bad.

  2. jman3715
    3:39 pm April 2, 2015 Permalink

    Great stuff as always. I’m reporting EdC as a communist sympathizer.

  3. etstit2
    3:53 pm April 2, 2015 Permalink

    You have to have a certain level of intelligence to get these posts. I personally think they are hilarious, but you can always tell who has a terrible sense of humor by the ones that dont like it. I bet EdC thinks Adam Sandler movies are funny.

    • WillySpankit
      4:51 pm April 2, 2015 Permalink

      I get it, but it’s a miss in my book. Can’t be too mad, Tomlin’s usually on point. This one just didn’t strike my fancy the way Adam Sandler movies do.

      Screw it. I’m gonna go listen to Drake and send unsolicited pics of my nether regions to every girl on my Snapchat. One’s bound to bite.

  4. RandyB
    8:36 pm April 2, 2015 Permalink

    FYI: We know that Dean Baldwin would not have written this because if all the known Communists and Communist sympathizers were reported at the Madison campus, all the faculty and most of the students would be reported.That campus is about as Leftist as you can get, a UC-Berkeley East.
    The real author is mistaken in thinking UW-Madison has any love for Wisconsin Senator Joe McCarthy, whose stance against communists was proven correct by the Army’s Venona Project, which unfortunately wasn’t declassified until the early 1990s, and wasn’t reported on by the liberal press. It was only then that we found out Russian spy Julius Rosenberg’s code name was LIBERAL, ironically enough.

    • cobalt
      11:29 am April 3, 2015 Permalink