Ahh, can you smell that? No. Over here. No, move slightly to the left. No, come over here by me, away from that stack of Jay Mariotti columns. There. That. Smell that? It’s UK-Louisville week in the Commonwealth, and it’s glorious.
I’ll be weighing in on Louisville early today. You see, I won’t be at the game this weekend, but I will be watching at a sportsbook in Las Vegas — perhaps while drinking one of those margaritas in a giant plastic football — shortly after solving a grisly crime based on forensic evidence and shortly before taking the stage in the debut of my dirty hypnotism show May I Suggest? , so if you’re anywhere near the Riviera Casino Hotel Velvet Ballroom, I hope you’ll stop by to say hello.
As you can imagine, people have been coming up to me all week long asking questions — about the weekend, about the university, about the stadium and about the Louisville Cardinals history as a football team — so I thought I’d just address some common misconceptions about our enemies in this week’s column. Here, then, are Frequently Answered Questions about the University of Louisville.
Where is the University of Louisville located? Is Louisville a state?
No, Louisville is not a state. It is the capital city of Kentucky. When the University of Louisville was founded in 1798, it was one of the first universities west of the Allegheny Mountains.
What are the Allegheny Mountains?
This really isn’t about the Allegheny Mountains.
What can I study at the University of Louisville?
U of L offers a host of interesting majors, such as foreign literature, military science and sociology. Those are just a few of the university’s options. You can study almost anything you’d like.
What about Brazilian ju jitsu?
There might be better places to learn that.
Did anyone famous go to the University of Louisvillle?
Yes. In fact, novelist Sue Grafton attended U of L, as did lyrical abstractionist painter Sam Gilliam and the late Anna Nicole Smith’s partner Larry Birkhead.
Sam Gilliam wouldn’t be anything without the German expressionists. He thinks he’s so hot, but where would be be without Emile Nolde and Karl Schmidt-Rotluff?
That’s an astute observation.
Or Lionel Feininger?
Yes, I think we all get this gag.
Where would I live if I went to school at the University of Louisville?
The university has several housing options, among them Bettie Johnson Hall, Billy Minardi Hall and Herman & Heddy Kurz Hall.
Yes, I know all those people. They are all people who go to my church.
I highly doubt that.
Well, they are. I would like to play football for the University of Louisville. Where can I sign up?
Actually, Louisville has a very established football program. It has retired the jerseys of Frank Minnifield, Otis Wilson and even the great Johnny Unitas.
What about J.J. Pryor?
He was a running back on NBC’s 2002 hit television show American Dreams.
I don’t think he’s a real person.
Look it up. That show really existed. Where do the Louisville Cardinals play?
The Cardinals play in Papa John’s Stadium..
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Do you know what that is?
It’s the Papa John’s commercial slogan.
Yeah. You want to get a pizza or something?
Actually, I like my Italian food more upscale.
There’s a place up the road. Porcini’s.
That sounds promising.
Yeah. The food’s really good, but the floors and tables are all sticky.
I think I’ll pass.