It’s long been no secret that this particular website and its corresponding message boards normally deal with football and basketball recruiting. However, I’ve received several emails of late asking me when, if ever, we would begin profiling recruits for some of UK’s less glamourized sports. Indeed, the University of Kentucky has a fine and longstanding tradition of high-caliber sports teams that, in fact, have fallen under the radar and remained in the shadow of the roundball and the pigskin.
Therefore, as a civic duty to the Wildcat nation, today’s Need-to-Know-Wednesday will not feature superheroes, robots, or zombies (for your zombie fix, I’d highly recommend clicking to check out troubador Jonathan Coulton’s song Re: Your Brains).
Rather, today I’d like to turn your attention to a man who heretofore has only existed in legend.
While dining on tapas and Grolsch with a nameless contact from UK President Lee Todd’s office the other night, a name slipped into conversation and I took full advantage of the opportunity to follow it up. That name was Ultimate Jim.
If you’ve never heard this name, allow me to fill you in. For the past three years, Todd has been receiving almost weekly updates from an unknown person who calls himself “Ultimate Jim.” Ultimate Jim, as he is therefore known, has what can only be called an obsessive enthusiasm for all UK sports, but particularly prides himself in regularly updating the university President with recruiting information which is normally relegated to the coaches of the lower-profile sports. I’m assuming these letters are passed on to Athletics Director Mitch Barnhart, but I cannot be sure. It is widely believed that Ultimate Jim has committed several recruiting violations and multiple infractions, but as he is unaffiliated with the program and no one seems to know who he is, the NCAA has thus far been unable to make any penalties stick.
I pleaded with this contact to smuggle out one of Ultimate Jim’s letters, and after plying him with several Elsinore Elbows (rum and worcestershire sauce), he agreed to let me have one. Since no information is confidential here at Kentucky Sports Radio, I am pleased to reprint that letter here, exactly as it appears on the page. Enjoy.
Dear Lee Todd,
I hope you are good. Ultimate Jim has been out and all over the country baby. Good times! As always I wanted you to know of some of the recruits you should think of having on your teams at UK (#1!). I hope this helps as I want UK (#1!) to have the best teams available in the NC-double-A. Let’s DO IT!
You need to look at this kid Ryan Fleming in Boston. I have seen him run and he is FAST! He has brown hair. He had the best time of all the runners in the race I saw him in. I was totally STOKED to see him win and got his autograph on my hat. I told him he was going to be a big star at the UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY!
There’s a girl in Wisconsin named Whitney Ramer who might as well be a fish if she had gills! I mean she is a GREAT SWIMMER. I was in Wisconsin (The Cheese State!) at a state final and let me tell you I couldn’t believe my eyes. She swam the backstroke and Freestroke and one where she swam on her side. Everyone was totally cheering for her. After the race I couldn’t tell which one was her because everyone had googles on. When I found her I told her she swam like a WILDCAT! I told her that you would probably be calling. I think her dad’s name is Stephen so look under STEPHEN RAMER in the Wisconsin phone book.
I have found the state with the best softballers and it is ARIZONA! I cannot believe such good players play in this heat here! Anyway there is a pitcher named Shannon Hamilton and you cannot believe how well she pitches a ball! She winds it up really fast and then SHANG! it is across the plate and the batter is saying WHAAAT? and everyone is laughing at the batter. After her game I told her that when she pitches for UK everyone will take notice and she will get lots of number one signs! I do not know what school she goes to but she drives a green Mazda and lives in a house with red shutters and a mailbox that looks like a barn.
Lee do you remember that part in Saving Private RYAN where the guy shoots a gun through the eyehole of the other gun? There is a kid in Houston TEXAS that can probably do that!! His name is Joe Callow and he is so good that I think he could probably work for the police! I was watching him shoot in a competition and I couldn’t believe it. I mean it’s like BAM and the target is like NOOOO!! Seriously I don’t know how to get in touch with him but I know that he goes to Thomas Jefferson High and he likes to eat Totino’s pizza because I saw it in the trash when I was writing GO TO U K on his driveway in blue chalk. No thanks necessary!
You don’t have to be Rodney Dangerfield in the smash hit LADYBUGS to know that Jesse Costallaro of EUGENE Oregon is going to be a star. He can kick the ball in any direction he wants to and if you are running at him LOOK OUT! he will kick the ball right around you and you will have a question mark popping out of your head! When I watched Jesse play he scored two points which you may not think would be a lot but for soccer it IS A LOT! I think we need to make this kid an offer soon but I think he is leaning UK because I was sitting in a bush outside his house when he came home from a game and I threw a rock with a note that said COME TO UK on it and he went OW! And then I can’t be sure because it was loud outside but I think his mom came out and said JESSE ARE YOU U.K.? And he rubbed his head (maybe he was thinking) and said YES. Did you hear that! HE KNOWS THE BEST TEAM EVER!!!!
Anyway Lee Todd this is Ultimate Jim saying peace out and I will keep looking for great athletes for the greatest school in the world UK (#1!). Be good buddy!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Ultimate Jim. I don’t know about you guys, but I like knowing he’s out there. Somewhere. Making a difference.
Until next week, Need-to-Knowers, enjoy the following clip, which I can only describe as the least fun-looking Kurdish game show ever.