Letter from the Provost
As UNC’s Executive Vice Chancellor and Provost, I am pleased to welcome you to Chapel Hill as we begin our 2014-15 academic year.
As new and returning UNC students, each of you has already demonstrated mediocre talent, subpar ambition, and a small hint of dedication to academics. As UNC student-athletes, you have also proven your ability to compete at a level just below Duke.
UNC is an exceptional community offering 71 bachelor’s, 107 master’s and 74 doctoral degree programs. The learning that happens in the classrooms on campus is stimulating and rigorous, and you also have a myriad of opportunities to engage in service-based learning, hands-on research, and even international travel that will expose you to real world challenges and fresh perspectives.
If you have zero interest in any of the aforementioned programs and opportunities, I encourage you, a student-athlete, to consider our African and Afro-American studies department. Not only will it maximize your free time on campus, it will land you a GPA higher than P.J. Hairston during a routine traffic stop.
I wish you the greatest success both on and off the field of competition. You win the games; we’ll handle the grades.
James W. Dean Jr.
Executive Vice Chancellor and Provost
Letter from the Athletic Director
Welcome new and returning athletes!!!!
All of us here in the University of North Carolina athletic department are excited to have you back for another year in Chapel Hill. We are lucky to have you on campus and we can’t wait to see what each of you achieve academically, personally and athletically. As you know, many young men and women would love to be in your position and you should not take the opportunity you’ve been given for granted. Give us your best and the possibilities are endless!
My hope is that all of you have an amazing 2014-15 in your classes and in sport, and my department will always be available to assist you along the way. Get to know everyone in the athletic department to maximize the resources in front of you — and, who knows, we might all be gone in a month! Ha! We’re working tirelessly around the clock to repair our tarnished image, while applying for other jobs in case the NCAA reaper comes. Between us, the end is near for this department! Let’s live it up while we got it!
Go Heels! (For now!)
Director of Athletics
The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill Department of Athletics’ mission is to sponsor a broad-based athletics program that provides educational and athletics opportunities to allow young men and women to grow, develop, and serve the financial interests of the University. Coaches, working hand-in-hand with tutors, instructors and academic counselors, are fundamental to this process. In keeping with the University’s efforts to offer programs of regional and national acclaim, the Department’s athletics programs strive for competitive excellence within the Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC) and with other similar institutions. Through its athletics programs, the University seeks to make a boatload of money.
Hear It From A Heel
Julius Peppers, Green Bay Packers
UNC Basketball/Football, 1998-2001
“I didn’t do shit at North Carolina but dominate sports and smash slampieces. Coaches told me to worry about winning and the grades will make themselves. I think I got a B in like seven classes I failed. They faked the hell out of my transcript so I could keep playing. Look it up. UNC had my back.”
Rashad McCants, Former NBA Star
UNC Basketball, 2002-2005
“You’re not there to get an education, though they tell you that. You’re there to make revenue for the college. You’re there to put fans in the seats. You’re there to bring prestige to the university by winning games.”
Tyler Hansbrough, Toronto Rapters
UNC Basketball, 2005-2009
“The player lounge needs new ping-pong tables.”
1. Only university employees will be allowed to drive institutional vehicles. No student-athletes are allowed to drive vehicles at any time.
2. Student-athletes will be given flashy rental cars from a third-party.
3. In the event a traffic stop occurs, student-athletes must switch seats with a passenger.
4. Guns inside the vehicle must be dumped at the scene, hidden to the best of the student-athlete’s ability without alerting the police officer(s).
“If I see you in them Kobe Bryants, man, I’m gonna cut you right off. I don’t care if your feet kill you, you’re gonna wear them Jordans.” — Michael Jordan to 2011 UNC basketball team
1. Carolina Dining Service provides food services for the Department of Athletics. Meal plans for student-athletes are open to all members of Carolina intercollegiate teams – varsity and junior varsity, male and female.
2. When you use Flex Dollars, you receive an exemption from the 6.75% North Carolina State Tax for purchases at all Carolina Dining locations on prepared food items.
3. DO NOT FEED KENNEDY MEEKS.
Don’t worry. You’re good.
Code of Conduct
As a Tar Heel, I will do what is expected of me to achieve athletic success. I will use my God-given talents and abilities to maximize revenues for the University of North Carolina.
As a Tar Heel,
– I will not make my coursework a priority.
– I will focus on athletics because that is what I am here to do.
– I will not tell anyone about fake classes, fake transcripts, fake diplomas, etc.
– I will accept impermissible benefits. If I don’t, my teammate will.
– I will not lose to Duke.
– I will probably lose to Duke.
– I will absolutely lose to Kentucky.
– I will not enroll in difficult courses and degree programs.
– I will enroll in the bogus “paper classes” recommended to me by coaches and administrators.
– I will not actually attend in any of said bogus “paper classes,” nor will I write papers. I am assigned to a tutor for that.
– I will make the Dean’s List.