Welp, folks, you could be reading my last post on KentuckySportsRadio.com. And I can’t think of a better way to go out if that’s the case. Today being Matt’s birthday and all, I invited several of the people he loves the most to join me in, dare I say, a birthday roast on his big day. This is either the best or the worst idea I’ve ever had for the site. There’s no gray area. I’ll either see a glowing smile on his face or a finger pointing me toward the door when he checks his phone tonight, whenever that may be. We’ll be out celebrating in New York when this goes up and it’ll only be a matter of time before he logs on to see what’s up. He’s in for a surprise, a BIG surprise, when that time comes.
With that said, Matt, we’ve spent more time together in hotel rooms recently than Lamar Odom and crack cocaine. In just the last month and a half alone, we’ve partnered up for weeklong getaways in South Carolina, Alaska, Ohio and now New York City. That’s over 1,200 Conway Twitty songs I’ve had to listen to, you asshole. I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve caught you taking selfies on SnapChat, either. What is that look, the mouth-agape-half-duck-face?
But all kidding aside, I wouldn’t be where I am today, sitting in the cafeteria at the 2013 U.S. Open, living a tennis blogger’s dream, without all the hard work I’ve done for you with little to no compensation during the beginning, middle and most of the latter stages. I’ll admit that. You’re welcome. Five years ago, I never would’ve dreamed I’d be showered in confetti with the UK basketball team on the Final Four court as “One Shining Moment” played throughout the Superdome. But because you lured me into your online sweatshop and allowed me to sew whatever I wanted, I did that. I was in New Orleans. And you didn’t even ask me to chip in on gas after you insisted we drive. You even gave me a place to sleep, too, once housekeeping rolled it up to your room and unfolded it in the corner next to the pile of brown threadbare socks and empty McDonald’s cups. My back problems are a constant reminder of your hospitality over the last few years. My night terrors, they’re reminders of the sleepless nights you made me share a bed with your snoring college buddies. And I’m forever grateful.
You keep looking over at my computer so I’m going to wrap this up and let the others take the stage. It might get a little ugly below, but it’s all in good fun to wish you a very happy 40s-not-so-far-away birthday and continued success in your self-made empire. We all thank you for keeping us on your good side and we’ll always call you our friend. To your face, at least.
Release the children, puppies, and toenail clippers, it’s time for the Birthday Roast of Matt Jones!
When Drew asked me to give a roast of Matt, I agreed to do it because I wanted to do something I’ve never done before–something with no real value, that everyone will forget in 30 minutes, featuring a guy who loves to argue and make fun of UofL–or, in simpler terms, the KSR Radio Show.
Let me make this quick because I have the same feeling at this very moment that I do after reading the second exhaustive paragraph of every Matt Jones “Some Hot Chick Wants Notes” blog post–tired and irritable.
News flash Matt. Hot chicks don’t want “notes.” What are we? Fifth graders? None of us men know what women want. That’s right, Matt, not even you.
Most would laugh off that last paragraph as standard crappy roast material. But, seriously, Matt needs to read that. Lord KNOWS he thinks he knows EVERYTHING.
Anyway, I hope we can all survive a Matt Jones birthday. We all know how painful this day is going to be for the rest of us. Why? Because a Matt Jones birthday is like a double whammy… we get to put the spotlight on a person WHO ALREADY LOVES THE SPOTLIGHT.
Don’t believe me? Just remember… he’ll even do tennis.
It was always great working with you Matt. It taught me how to truly carry a radio show.
In all seriousness, Happy Birthday Matt. Congrats on everything good in your life right now. Hope this is a great day for you.
Drew The Employee:
It’s no secret that Matt Jones loves the ladies and the ladies love him back. Rumor has it that he has changed his philandering ways, but unfortunately the damage has already been done. In the past, he has treated the counties of Kentucky like a G.I on furlough in Saigon. I have a theory that he is single-handedly responsible for the population growth in the majority of Kentucky’s 120 counties. To prove my theory, I’ve have been scouring local newspapers looking for articles highlighting odd behavior from our Commonwealth’s children. What I found shocked me and is no doubt related to the insurgence of Matt Jones’ DNA into Kentucky’s population. Here’s what I found:
“Interestingly, 63% of newborns are unable to keep down their mother’s milk or formula. Many new mothers of Bell County and surrounding areas have found that an 80/20 mixture of Qdoba queso and skim milk is all their babies can stomach.” (Bell County Bugler, 2 May 2013)
“It is now not an uncommon sight in Manchester to see young children yelling at themselves to get off their own lawns. Local officials have yet to find an answer for this odd behavior.” (Manchester Times, 23 June 2013)
“In Fayette County alone, prescriptions of Ritalin have more than quadrupled among children ages 4-12 in less than three years…” (Lexington Herald-Leader, 18 July 2012)
My three-year-old daughter refuses to eat dinner with the rest of her family. She won’t eat a bite until she is by herself and supplied with the newest copy of The Atlantic. We can’t even eat out anymore!! What can we do to assimilate her back into the family?
— Perplexed in Paducah”
With this evidence, it is truly a scary future for the children of Kentucky. The only consolation is that in 10 years we will still have plenty of hardcore UK fans and Pat Forde will no doubt have to move to another state. Happy birthday Matt, it was all in love.
“The Intern” John Dubya
Matt hasn’t changed much since the launch of KSR in ’05. Yeah, he has a hair stylist now, slimmed down a bit, owns clothes with buttons, goes out with large chested women, is on the radio and TV everyday, signs autographs and gets invited to things, but aside from that, Matt is still the Big Blue Bumpkin from the ‘Boro with a dream, some News and some Views.
The New York Friars’ Club motto is that they “only roast the ones they love.” I’m not sure if I’m buying that, though, because I think back in the 30s the Germans tried that same line. However, in honor of Matthew arriving at his early, late thirties, I thought I’d take a minute to publicly wish him well on his special day. Over the past several seasons, Matt has established himself as the premiere UK ambassador and BBN’s most recognizable representative, willing to go to battle against all comers who might slight the University of Kentucky, or his covering of the same, in even the most trivial of ways. In honor of his many online battles with rival fanbases, coaches, sports columnists, pizza parlors, porn stars, parody accounts, news publications, and inanimate objects, Taco Bell is soon launching a Matt Jones Twitter Beef Supreme to be available in participating Lexington and Louisville locations. Even after years of perpetual electronic dust-ups , Matt is still willing to burn the midnight oil to keep the UK haters honest. Just this past week, Matt worked overtime in exposing Louisville sports reporter Eric Crawford’s hypocrisy in trying to objectively cover the University of Louisville while being financially vested in Rick Pitino’s success and was so fired up that he accidentally spilled diet Mountain Dew all over his Coach Cal autographed fantasy camp jersey and limited edition copy of “Bounce Back”. Did he get upset? No- it is just part of doing the job he was born to do.
Matt is totally committed to providing you, the UK fan, the optimal experience when it comes to all things Kentucky. Since the inception of KSR, he has been willing to sacrifice many things to get Kentucky Sports Radio to the pinnacle you now enjoy. He has regularly forgone oil changes, hygiene, or any podiatric medicine just to ensure that each day your favorite UK sports talk show and fan website is providing you with the best and most up to date content. There is a reason his clothes often appear as wrinkled as Dave Baker’s nutsack: It’s called a passion for awhat’s important.
For such reasons, it is only fair that Matt gets another year’s pass to continue trolling Lexington college bars, judgment free, looking for that one special coed, born without a tongue or opinions, who can look past a chest full of salt and pepper hair, a disdain for puppies, children, and bodies of water, and maybe someday, the good lord willing, be introduced to his legion of fans as the former Mrs. Matthew Harper Jones. No, that is not someone’s dad in a dated navy sport coat, sleeves rolled up to expose a veritable forest of forearm hair and stained teamNF bracelet, running up in the Tin Roof to prevent his daughter from becoming the center beam in two UK players’ latest “Eifel Tower” project. That is just your favorite UK blogger hoping for some unsuspecting minx to offer up the Harland Sanders special, two thighs and a breast, as a brief respite between night posts. And if you’re one of the lucky ones, he might just creep on your facebook photos as you slumber and add you as a “Fan of the Day”.
And with all that said, I wish one of my best of friends in the world a very happy birthday and, if possible, even more success in the year to come. You’ve made quite the career out of doing what you love and I couldn’t be happier for you.
I remember the first time I saw Matthew Harper Jones. All of the Lexington media was asking, “Who was this young college-looking kid coming to all the news conferences with his shirt tail hanging out, raggedy jeans, and old tennis shoes?” And what the hell was this Kentucky Sports Radio thing? Are they actually on the radio? Who is this guy?
Well, I’m here now to tell you the “TOP 10 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MATTHEW HARPER JONES”
10) He loves airheads candy
9) He yells at people a lot
8) He can’t pronounce Tennessee, Taco Bell, or Bell County
7) He bought an $85 Sergei Bubka / Russian hat in Alaska and then proceeded to wear it around all day, including to the crowded “Deal or No Deal” game show on the cruise ship and continued to yell and harass the contestants while still wearing his goofy hat
6) He yells at people a lot
5) When we are in the studio together, he usually farts one time really loud during every show
4) He got into an argument with a drunk homeless man in a dirty nasty bar in Victoria, British Columbia, because the man didn’t recognize a Marty Robbins country song
3) He yells at people a lot
2) He can somehow tweet, text, email and read stories on his phone while driving thru curvy mountain roads at over 80 miles per hour
1) There are only 2 people that he will back down from – old women who are scolding him about something and his mother
By the way, since he is now at my house more than I am sometimes, Amanda has now decided to start charging him a monthly rental fee.
Happy Birthday butt cheese!
Bryan The Intern:
Matt, you’re officially old now. So in true BTI fashion, I thought I would throw 5 stats around for you to consider:
1. I have posted over 1,500 posts on your website. That means 1,500 times my name has been attached to a post. A total of 0 times have your spelled it correctly in a post of your own.
2. I have posted over 1,500 posts on your website. This fact alone should make people question your judgement. Although at your age now, people accept some mental issues.
3. 72% of men your age experience some kind of bedroom “anxiety”. I conclude this means that the Unforgettables should not have their jersey’s retired.
4. 83% of the media do not like you very much. Which means that 83% of the media probably has too much time on their hands.
5. You have somehow been able to keep a blog alive and thriving for 8 years that covers just 1 school and is comprised of writers that mostly didn’t go to that school. I think we can 100% say you are either the luckiest man in the world or an evil genius.
Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t close with this: MATT JONES SUCKS. Happy Birthday!!!
Happy birthday Matt. I know this will come as a shock to you, but you are 35 today, not 25. I know it can be tough realizing you are days away from being the creepy old guy at the Tin Roof …yes the old guy with a bangs haircut with his shirt untucked that the girls laugh about in the bathroom. And yes, it’s true you got much higher support in the State Fair poll, but when you consider that group of people also vote on the best looking pig, I’m not sure that’s the support I want.
Happy birthday buddy.
This will soon be you…
Often, Matt Jones calls me to ask questions. He does that because I’m his black friend. I’m sure he has another one, like…OK, I’m his only black friend. And that may or may not be why Drew asked me to get in on this. Your black friend also has to get in on the jokes when you have a roast.
What can I say about that hasn’t already been said about Peyton Manning or any other tall, goofy dude with a Southern accent? That he went to Duke? I think it’s always best to bring up that he went to Duke because…well, Matt’s the sort of dude who would go to Duke. Know how we know that? Because he went to Duke.
That’s right — MATT JONES WENT TO DUKE. And he’s prouder of that than anything else in this world. That he went to Duke.
Mrs. Tyler Thompson:
To borrow one of your favorite phrases, I love you, Matt, but you’re a piece of work.
Don’t get me wrong, combining five different story lines under a bikini-clad fan of the day takes serious skill, but I sometimes worry you work too hard. Between the pregame, postgame and morning shows; WKYT spots; conversations with those all-important KSR “sources”; mingling with Roger and Rafa at the US Open; avoiding children in restaurants; and finding hotel lobbies to use the bathroom in, you’re spreading yourself pretty thin these days. No wonder it took eight years to get a decent site design.
Now, put your phone down for just a second and pay attention. At age 35, isn’t it time to settle down? As you said yourself, no one wants to be the old man in the club. You do have pretty high standards: your future lady cannot cheer for the Cards, wear high-waisted shorts, eat gas station hot dogs, like actual dogs, listen to Rush Limbaugh, or follow Kyle Tucker on Twitter. Basically, that leaves Erin Calipari, and I’m pretty sure Cal forbade that.
All kidding aside, happy birthday, boss. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be living a Dilbert commercial from 8-5. Just please, stop with the texting and driving. I can’t go back to that life.
Shannon the Dude:
It’s Shannon The Dude, here to to wish a Happy Birthday to Matt Jones. It’s been an interesting experience since joining KSR and Matt has taken plenty of shots at me. Now it’s my turn.
The only thing Matt ever sees naked on a Saturday night is his burrito order from Qdoba.
He’s the softest looking 6’5″ man I’ve ever seen. That’s probably because the only exercise he ever gets is jumping to conclusions.
If arrogance ever goes to $50 a barrel, I want drilling rights on Matt’s head.
I sometimes wonder why Matt looks so pale. Then I remember, he’s been living in Coach Cal’s shadow for the past 4 years.
Matt is is almost 40 and still hasn’t been married. That’s probably because every time he gets a woman alone and she asks for some music to put her in the mood, he cues up Conway Twitty’s “I Can Tell You’ve Never Been This Far Before.”
In all seriousness, it’s a pleasure working with you Matt and remember the next time you have a disagreement with me don’t raise your voice, improvement your argument. After all, I can take your entire show off the air with the click of a button.
I’ve known Matt for a very long time. I met him when he was a young, impressionable freshman in college and since that time we’ve been stranded in blizzards together in Cedar Falls, dodged tornados in Nashville, kept Josh Pastner seatless in Columbia and made asses of ourselves in Marshall County. We’ve traveled together through Tennessee, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Wisconsin, Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Iowa and West Virginia. We’ve crammed ourselves into press boxes, Kia Rondos and media rooms for high school recruiting information, college road trips and delicious chilled peaches, respectively. Through all of this, I can safely say this about Matt Jones: He never stopped talking the entire time.
Just as Matt’s not afraid to stick up for Kentucky fans, he’s not afraid to stick up for his friends. I once held him back, screaming on the front lawn of a home in Nicholas County, from stabbing a man with a steak knife who said one of my pieces took two minutes of his life he’d never get back. He actually once tracked down and killed a man whose only crime was typing “meh” in the comment section of someone’s preview piece about Mississippi State. Once Billy Packer said Kentucky wouldn’t make it out of the second round of the NCAA Tournament and Matt buried him up to his head in a mound of fire ants. I didn’t even know that was a real thing, but Matt said he saw that in a cowboy movie and he sure as hell was going to do the same thing to Billy Packer. You probably remember it, it was all over the news.
The fact that KSR has become the institution it has is one-hundred per cent due to Matt Jones’ work and diligence. He has never been nor never will be denied. We should all be as passionate about one thing as Matt is about KSR. Once, when we were living together at Royal Lexington, he told me that given the shot and the help of the people around him he knew he could build something great. He probably thinks I don’t remember that, because I was very, very drunk at the time. But I do. And he has. I’ll tell you this, UK fans: Matt Jones may never let you touch his radio, but he will always give a hundred percent. He will never stop talking. Never. For most people, that’s terrible. But with Matt — and for KSR — that’s a good thing. Happy birthday, buddy.