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Taco Bell Arena doesn’t serve Taco Bell and I’ve never been more heartbroken about anything in my entire life

Let me tell you a story about a young boy. A young boy who loved tacos, specifically, Taco Bell. That young boy would’ve eaten tacos for every meal, if his parents would’ve allowed it. Tacos for breakfast, tacos for lunch, and tacos for dinner. He even worked in the kitchen at a taco restaurant in high school, and would’ve made a career of it if he hadn’t gained 20 pounds in his six months on the job.

Then when that young boy grew into a young man at the University of Kentucky, his love for Taco Bell grew even more. He lived on Chicken Quesadillas and Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes during his college years, all five of them; and when he wasn’t eating Taco Bell, he was craving his next order, which always included a combo meal plus two add-ons, sometimes three. If you were to cut him open, he would bleed Fire Sauce and nacho cheese.

Ladies and gentlemen, that young boy was me, and I love Taco Bell more than ever today as an adult. I haven’t gone a week in the last decade without eating at least one Fourth Meal, and I would argue there isn’t another person on God’s green earth who has spent more money on Taco Bell in my lifetime. I love it so much, if Kentucky law would allow it, I would marry a Cheesy Gordita Crunch right now and you would all be invited to the wedding. We would serve a Nachos Bell Grande wedding cake as guests dance the night away around a nacho cheese fountain. I’ll spare you the honeymoon fantasies, but I feel a tear coming on just thinking about it.

So with that said, you can imagine my excitement when my beloved Kentucky Wildcats were shipped out to Boise, Idaho in this year’s NCAA Tournament, played at Taco Bell Arena. A Taco Bell Arena, I thought? That’s a thing? Sign. Me. Up. I’ll walk the 2,000 miles if I have to. It’s a trip I never imagined, and it was finally here.

***

The days leading up to Boise were some of the most exciting days of my life. Remember that feeling you got as a kid when you crawled into bed on Christmas Eve, knowing Santa Claus was on his way? The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there? I was the children in that poem, nestled all snug in my bed, but with visions of Beefy 5-Layer Burritos, not sugar plums, dancing in my head. This past week was Christmas Eve on heroin for me. I even tweeted Taco Bell Arena to share my excitement, but Taco Bell Arena never responded.

Turns out, Taco Bell Arena didn’t respond because Taco Bell Arena is a coward and didn’t have the heart to tell me the devastating news: Taco Bell Arena does not serve Taco Bell.

I learned the hard way, by walking around the concourse on an empty stomach, eager to eat my favorite food in its own arena. My heart instantly sank to the floor. I grew nauseous. Dizziness set in. I felt faint. Sweat rolled down my forehead as I reached for something, anything, to keep me from collapsing. I grabbed ahold of a window ledge and looked out over the Taco Bell Arena parking lot, wondering how I could reach the highest of highs, only to fall to the lowest of lows, in an instance. Imagine the sun shining bright over your whole world, then that world imploding beneath you into the fiery depths of hell. That’s where I was Wednesday afternoon, when I came to the realization that Taco Bell Arena is farce and a sham.

You see, Taco Bell Arena was built on a foundation of lies. At its core it is nothing more than cheap Idaho concrete and disappointment. It will pick you up and place you on a mountaintop, only to push you off the edge into a downward spiral of heartbreak. And then it will offer you stale popcorn and a corn dog.

I’m a broken man right now as I sit here in Boise, trying to piece myself back together. I will not let this destroy my love for all things Taco Bell, but I felt it was my duty to tell the world what I learned, and what lies have been told here. Maybe, just maybe, I will save someone else from the emptiness and agony I feel inside.

Go Cats, I guess.

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

22 Comments for Taco Bell Arena doesn’t serve Taco Bell and I’ve never been more heartbroken about anything in my entire life



  1. kentuckybackupplayer
    3:24 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

    Total Taco Tragedy.



    • catdaddyd
      7:31 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

      Does the KFC YUM Center serve KFC?



  2. WatchutalkinboutWillis
    3:38 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

    Drew, I worked at Taco Bell in Madisonville for two years during high school. My guess is I must have served the middle school you a Mexican pizza, perhaps a fiesta gordita, or most assuredly some cinnamon twists.



    • Booby Petrino
      3:57 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

      I spent a summer after high school working at the Martin 4 Theater by that Taco Bell.



    • WatchutalkinboutWillis
      5:03 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

      Awesome! I have some good memories from the Martin 4…mostly just my feet sticking to the floor.



  3. Wilfred Smith
    3:50 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

    I gave up Mexican food for Lent. Drew’s post makes me hungry and sad.



    • antiquefurnitureandmidgets
      5:01 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

      I’m not sure Taco Bell is considered proper Mexican. I think you can eat to your heart’s content. Although if your body is a temple maybe you shouldn’t.



  4. cats646
    4:05 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

    That was hilarious Drew! I do feel sorry for you though.



  5. plumloopy
    4:08 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

    The second tweet made me laugh harder than any other recent KSR post!



  6. justaregulardude
    4:11 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

    Best post ever!



  7. sj
    4:54 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

    Radio shack don’t sell radios either, just saying



  8. b48750
    4:59 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

    That makes no sense at all! Next you’re going to tell me that Kroger Field doesn’t sell groceries!



  9. BluesBrother
    5:06 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

    I’m sure Boise has a Taco Bell somewhere. Quit your whining and go find one.



  10. Easy-E
    5:13 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

    Drew, I wanted to read the entire article, but I stopped myself after the first paragraph. Haha



  11. Jiminy Crickets
    5:48 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

    Just like chick-fil-a put a restaurant in Atlanta falcons football stadium, but they’re closed on sundays



  12. Funkjumper
    6:03 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

    Taco Tico > Taco Bell



  13. catdaddyd
    7:30 pm March 16, 2018 Permalink

    Plus Taco Tico had beer.



  14. catman27
    12:51 am March 17, 2018 Permalink

    Drew franklin will go down in history as one of the greatest satirists ever!



  15. yougot8
    10:58 am March 18, 2018 Permalink

    Hilarious Drew!