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Predicting Their Season: Tennessee Volunteers Edition

(Photo: Dale Zanine, USA TODAY Sports)

(Photo: Dale Zanine, USA TODAY Sports)

Tennessee had a rough 2017 in Butch Jones’ final season as the Volunteers’ head motivator. The team was a winless 0-8 in Southeastern Conference play for the first time in school history after starting the year ranked No. 25 in the Associated Press poll. It was hilarious to witness. I had one of those good belly laughs when it was all over.

This year, Jeremy Pruitt is in as head coach, from his position as defensive coordinator at Alabama, and the first-time boss has some excitement back in Knoxville. But in this official and unbiased game-by-game prediction of the Vols’ upcoming season, I play the bearer of bad news in telling everyone what’s undoubtedly ahead: Tennessee is going to suck. Like, for real.

Here is a completely serious prediction of what’s to come each week for Big Orange:

 

West Virginia
Bank of America Stadium | Charlotte, NC
Saturday, Sept. 1

West Virginia is currently a 10-point favorite in the neutral-site opener between the Mountaineers and Volunteers. If you’re a gambler, lay the points and load up on Dana Holgorsen’s high-powered and veteran offense against the suck of Tennessee.

Prediction: West Virginia wins by at least 30.

East Tennessee State
Neyland Stadium | Knoxville, TN
Saturday, Sept. 8

Randy Sanders (of 2009-12 Kentucky offensive coordinator fame) will make his head coaching debut with East Tennessee State this fall. His new job got off to a rocky start when he reportedly struck one of his players in the helmet, earning him administrative leave back in April, but he’s back on the clock and ready to lead an ETSU team that hasn’t won more than five games in any of the last five seasons, and was picked eighth in the Southern Conference preseason poll.

Will East Tennessee State be good under his watch? Probably not. Can they win at Neyland Stadium? Absolutely.

Prediction: The Bucs shock the Vols in overtime, 13-10.

UTEP
Neyland Stadium | Knoxville, TN
Saturday, Sept. 15

UTEP won exactly zero of its 12 games in 2017 and Athlon Sports ranked the Miners 130th out of 130 college football teams in its preseason rankings for 2018. But with Tennessee playing at an unprecedented level of suck this year, the Miners will give the Vols all they can handle in a battle of two incompetent football teams that are wasting the SEC Network’s time and energy on a Saturday afternoon.

Prediction: Tennessee dodges second consecutive upset with Hail Mary touchdown to win by two.

Florida
Neyland Stadium | Knoxville, TN
Saturday, Sept. 22

Florida has won 12 of its last 13 against Tennessee, so why would anyone expect anything but another Gators’ win this year? Sure, Tennessee will host the rivalry game in Knoxville, but getting dressed in their own locker room and playing in front of their own miserable fan base won’t help the Vols’ cause.

Prediction: Florida by 50.

at Georgia
Sanford Stadium | Athens, GA
Saturday, Sept. 29

It would be in Tennessee’s best interest to stay home. Make up an excuse, any excuse, to keep from facing the Dawgs in Athens.

Prediction: Georgia by a million.

at Auburn
Jordan-Hare Stadium | Auburn, AL
Saturday, Oct. 13

In an attempt to save the season, Jeremy Pruitt will deliver a mid-week speech to bring his team back to life. The Vols will wipe away their wounds, they’ll forget all about the 1-5 start to the year, and they’ll travel to Auburn with a newfound confidence and the will to win as 51-point underdogs in a rivalry game.

Prediction: Auburn by a million, maybe two million.

Alabama
Neyland Stadium | Knoxville, TN
Saturday, Oct. 20

If new athletic director Phil Fulmer has any respect for his program and the well-being of his student-athletes, he will cancel the game before someone gets killed.

Prediction: Two UT players get murdered on first offensive possession; game is called, in favor of Alabama, due to player deaths and further safety concerns.

at South Carolina
Williams-Brice Stadium | Columbia, SC
Saturday, Oct. 27

South Carolina will be pretty good in the SEC East this year. So, Tennessee will lose again.

Prediction: South Carolina covers whatever spread is put out there.

Charlotte
Neyland Stadium | Knoxville, TN
Saturday, Nov. 3

Charlotte is one of the four or five worst teams in all of college football, but with Tennessee out of bowl contention and still recovering from a bloody curb-stomping at the feet of Alabama, Charlotte pulls off the upset in the biggest win in 49ers’ history on a failed two-point conversion with no time on the clock.

Prediction: Charlotte 7, Tennessee 6.

Kentucky
Neyland Stadium | Knoxville, TN
Saturday, Nov. 10

Tennessee had Kentucky’s number for over three decades, but that’s before Tennessee began to suck. The new Tennessee, the one that actually sucks, no longer intimidates the Wildcats — or anyone else, for that matter.

Prediction: Kentucky will win in Knoxville for the first time since 1984.

Missouri
Neyland Stadium | Knoxville, TN
Saturday, Nov. 17

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Tennessee.

Tennessee who?

Tennessee sucks.

Prediction: Tennessee loses yet again, this time on Senior Night.

at Vanderbilt
Vanderbilt Stadium | Nashville, TN
Saturday, Nov. 24

Tennessee will lose to Vanderbilt for a THIRD YEAR IN A ROW and the fifth time in seven years. That’s embarrassing for a program that was once respected nationally.

Prediction: Vandy continues to own the Vols in football.


Projected 2018 Record: 1-11 (0-8)


Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

7 Comments for Predicting Their Season: Tennessee Volunteers Edition



  1. Blue Jesus
    4:44 pm August 28, 2018 Permalink

    Wow tough luck to get Auburn and Alabama out of the West. I’ll gladly accept Miss St. and TA&M.



  2. Rondo2Davis
    4:57 pm August 28, 2018 Permalink

    I’ll give you 2.5 over/under. If you take the under, Drew, I’ll give you 10-1. Max bet $500.



  3. Rondo2Davis
    5:00 pm August 28, 2018 Permalink

    3.5****



  4. ThankfulCat
    5:09 pm August 28, 2018 Permalink

    6-6

    They will be better than folks think. They will win 3 of 4 OOC, beat Vandy and Florida and win 1 of 3 between SC, KY and Mizzou



  5. Bigblue7982
    5:21 pm August 28, 2018 Permalink

    4-8



  6. jimmer
    6:10 pm August 28, 2018 Permalink

    Now that’s a funny post. Well done. And pretty accurate.



  7. HackRichards
    6:53 pm August 28, 2018 Permalink

    If nothing else…this web site will have them fired up come the Kentucky game…….