Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
Louisville’s Great Steamboat Race will be undergoing a change this year as the Ohio River Racing Commission announced that this year’s race would require restrictor plates to be placed on the boats. Steamboat speeds have been increasing steadily since the 1700’s. This year, steamboat racing commissioner Samuel Clemens decided something needed to be done.
“We saw blazing speeds last year,” Clemens said, referring to the Belle of Louisville’s top speed of 14 mph or knots or whatever boat people say. “This year, after watching both boats get squirrelly through the turns we decided we need to take some precautions.”
The decision to add restrictor plates was not without opposition. Many who have already placed wagers on the race are upset about the decision and are worried that the entire strategy of the race could change. “With these plates on there, they’re gonna get all bunched up going into the turns. It’s gonna change the whole thing,” said a guy whose name we forgot to get because as he talked about how much he loved the steamboat race our minds and hearts became so full of pity for this man his alias was the least of our concerns.
“This is going to be a huge change strategically, the pit crews are really going to play a major role,” the man who loves steamboat racing in 2018 said. “If the Belle [unclear which one he was referring to] is gonna pull this off it’s gonna be because of that crew. Stern Wheel Stevie and Engine Joe are gonna be major players in this thing.”