Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of “Fake News You Can’t Count On.”
Republican U.S. Senator Rand Paul, a steadfast fiscal conservative and fashion extraordinaire, was reported earlier this week to have over $300,000 in unpaid campaign bills stemming from his spontaneous road trips to Iowa and New Hampshire earlier this year. While some rumors suggest he may have actually been trying to run for President of the United States, a closer look at his unpaid debt tells a different story. Sources have confirmed that nearly all the debt was accrued from all the bad perms Paul got along the way.
While Paul spent most of his time on the campaign trail promising super cuts to the federal budget, he was also racking up Supercuts debt of his own. Paul’s campaign spokeswoman, Kelsey Cooper, has come out today and put the blame on his brother and hair stylist, Ru.
“Those crazy Paul brothers, Rand and Ru, did spend a lot of time at the salon getting him a perm but Ru insisted on it. He also advised the Senator that the whole point of a perm was that it was permanent. We felt the bad perm was the most financially viable option for the campaign and the American people. Imagine these bills if he got a good haircut.”
Many conservatives and libertarians have criticized the Kentucky Senator for his reckless spending noting the fact that his dad, Ron Paul, used to cut his own hair. Some feel like failed presidential hopeful has lost his way and are demanding a strict perm limit be instituted by the Federal Election Commission. Rand disagrees.
“I come from a long line of perms. My dad had a wonderful perm before he lost most of his hair, just like his dad, Grand Paul. The perm is the haircut of all Paul generations stretching all the way through our lineage to Apostle Paul.”
Paul and his campaign are confident the debt will be cleared in the very near future. “Look, we’re still in the process of wrapping up our campaign operation,” said Sen. Paul. “Plus, money is not going to be a problem once the cash from my brother and I’s new project starts rolling in. Look for me in season four of Rand and RuPaul’s Drag Race.