Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
Mitch McConnell came out with a strong message to Americans this week when he told citizens to “stay woke” after allegations regarding Russians hacking the recent presidential election. McConnell stood in front the media and, in his signature speaking style which emphasizes minimal mouth movement, mumbled “uh, the Russians are not our friends, guy. We need to stay as woke as possible here.”
“Look man, theres a lot of stuff going on here that you don’t even know about,” a distraught (we assume, his face doesn’t really move and the words just seem to fall out of his mouth) McConnell said. “If you guys really think that this begins and ends with vote hacking you’re just not opening your eyes. Oh, yeah, I’m sure Kanye West goes to meet President-elect Trump on Taylor Swift’s birthday and that’s just a coincidence. I’m sure you lamestream media people will just blur out my truth. If you want more of this fire checkout my youtube page.”
Said youtube page included a long, rambling 17 minute video in which McConnell covers many things from the Russian hacking to Pizzagate. However, the claim that McConnell makes that he threw a stick over a mile and his dog still got it and brought it back seemed pretty far-fetched.
McConnell assured the American public that he would not stop until he had figured out just how deep this all goes. “I’m not going to sleep on this for I, and we, must stay woke,” McConnell said as he produced a large corkboad with printed out facebook memes pinned to it connected, seemingly at random, by strands of yarn. “Please America, do you’re part to help us solve this. Please keep tagging me in informational memes such as these and forward me the emails you get uncovering this kind of important information whenever your uncle sends you something.”
We would like to encourage any and all patriots to please tag Mitch McConnell whenever you see truth revealed on social media. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what memes you can help spread for your country.