Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.
Michael Phelps, the most decorated man-fish of all-time, continued his hot streak yesterday after dominating Triple Crown winner American Pharoah in an exhibition race to raise money to cover Ryan Lochte’s legal fees from Rio. Despite drawing the inside post, American Pharoah came up short against the swim legend when he appeared to struggle with the backstroke, leading to his permanent demise.
“I knew AP would be a tough opponent so to make the race fair,” tells Phelps, “we decided to have it in his home state of Kentucky at the Beaumont YMCA which gave him home field advantage. And to balance that out, I was able to pick the race and went with the 200m individual medley, mostly because it allows me to showcase all the different strokes for the different folks who are maybe not hardcore swim fans but just everyday people. Turned out to be the right decision because that colt couldn’t backstroke to save his life….literally.”
Despite the conditions, American Pharoah was expected to put up a better fight against the mythical water God after proving at The Preakness a sloppy track couldn’t slow him down. Trainer Bob Baffert says while he felt the colt was mentally ready for the race, all the “action” he’s been getting down at the stables as of late might’ve had him in sub-par shape physically. “I don’t like to make excuses but it’s hard to perform at a high level when your owner has you on a schedule that would’ve made Wilt Chamberlain look celibate.”
The all-knowing and all-powerful Phelps described the moments after the race as both chaotic and surreal. “When I came out of the pool, everyone was yelling and screaming but I wasn’t sure why. That was until I stopped to look around and saw it….I had broke my own record…again. People were screaming things like ‘Oh my God!’ but look, I’m no God. And I hate to keep beating a dead horse with this, but I’m just an American hero who’s the best at swimming back and forth in a pool really fast every four years.”